Just a Bond

Did I Give Up?

After performing the Fajr prayer, I chose to stay silent for a while to contact Winda. Last day, my time was seized by various things, until I forgot about my work. Fortunately before leaving I had time to tell him if he would go home. After responding to several messages containing orders from customers, confirming the delivery of the package to the customer, and some chat from other friends, I put the phone on the nightstand.

"Again what?"

The look that had originally been fixed on Mas Reza's hand-paintings on the wall near the ornamental table, slowly sidetracked towards Mas Farhan who was stepping towards me.

"Nothing, anyway, Mas. Just look at Mas Reza's paintings."

He also stared at some of the paintings of my face that were deliberately made by Mas Reza.

"So this is all Mas Reza made?" I just nod. "The other brothers were made too?"

"Yes. But not as much as I have. Because I don't like to be photographed so much, Mas Reza chose to paint my face, Mas." He was just a mangosteen while observing each painting.

There are about fifteen paintings by Mas Reza of various sizes; ranging from small, medium, and large, displayed on the east wall of my room. My brother has loved drawing since he was a child. When entering Junior High then studied painting. Well, since studying the art of painting, he likes to give a gift of painting my face on my birthday. Although, there are also those who are not gifts, pure willingness of Mas Reza to paint it.

"I just found out that Mas Reza can paint." I was confused as to what to respond to. "I have a lot of my own collection of paintings in the studio. There are also those who have not finished because they have run out of ideas. Wanna see?"

I blinked my eyes for a moment. "Mas Farhan let me go to Mas's studio?"

Mas Farhan turned to me. "Why not?" He also looked at me quite closely. "Don't you want to know your husband's workplace?"

Oh my God, what was my dream last night? This is really Mas Farhan, right, who said it? I'm moved, lo, Mas.

"Today I also said it was fitting to talk to Rifka if it would take you there, right?"

My heart suddenly worried back. Has Mas Farhan changed just for Rifka?

“Why worry about me like that?”

I stammered as I accidentally stumbled at Mas Farhan for quite a while. I immediately turned my face away from him. “E-not, Mas.”

“Sounds like there's something you want to ask? What?”

Well, I got bumbling myself. Mana Mas Farhan turned his back, facing me head-on.

This hand moved scratching the temple, as well as a slight forced smile. “No, kok, Mas. There is no.”

“Najwa!” And that sharp gaze and flat voice again made me quite shudder.

My tongue suddenly felt faint, but I forced it to make a sound. “It ... the question is still the same, Mas.”

Mas Farhan's eyebrows swooped. “Which question?”

“I'll ask, origin Mas Farhan don't get mad—”

“So I was impressed grumpy in your eyes?”

Instantly my mouth shut. What answer should I give anyway, while the truth is? Mas Farhan was not aware that he was grumpy what how, anyway? Why is he still asking? Didn't he know that he was angry, had already defeated the tiger that would pounce on its prey? Aihs.

“Just ask, Najwa.”

I inhaled a lot of air first. “Sorry before, Mas." Unasked, my sentence paused. Like something stopped him intentionally. Mas Farhan was still faithfully standing before me. "I don't know why Mas Farhan suddenly changed as well as me. But thank you, thank you very much, Mas. Because honestly, I'm happy. Then ... what Mas Farhan did .. em.”

Duh, it's hard to say, God.

Mas Farhan's gaze became more and more fixed, making my heart beat more and more nonchalant. Cold sweats slowly wet every inch of the body. I'm still afraid that Mas Farhan might get angry.

“Mas Farhan tu—what did Mas do this purely from the heart of Mas Farhan?”

Immediately I lowered my head, to avoid Mas Farhan's stare that kept sharpening looking at me. Regrets were slowly approaching, if only I had not asked.

“You know who I am?”

I slightly frowned. “Mas Farhan my husband, who else?”

“That's you know.”

I sighed softly, then turned the eyeballs. Farhan said it very briefly. In short, I didn't understand.

Still the same as the original position, Mas Farhan cupped my face, he then kembai said, “You know what a wife should do to her husband?”

“What?”

“Yakin don't know?”

I nodded because there was not a single answer in my brain. I was confused as to what to answer, and again, since the first time Mas Farhan touched my chin, until this moment was in a more intimate state than usual, making my heartbeat even more chaotic. So unusual treatment Mas Farhan this one, I arrived .. blank, it feels.

“With you asking so, as if you do not believe in me.”

Ah, that's yeah. How do I explain it to you, Mom? Though I know from Mom and Dad, the main key in the durability of a marriage is the mutual trust between each partner. However, for people like me, who are often met with expectations, there will always be questions like that. Moreover, Mas Farhan's attitude changes without any wind or rain first.

“Not so, Mas.”

I hate myself being suddenly melancholy at times like this. When Mas Farhan came back to highlight my eyes, there was a clear liquid that wanted to drip, but tried to hold me back.

“Not, so. But what?”

“I'm afraid of being let down my expectations, Mas.” And in the end, the answer that I had been trying to keep myself was unbearable. He is spoken lightly from this speech, but from earlier the mind has warned not to say anything. “Moreover there is no statement of any kind from Mas Farhan.”

“What a statement is still important?”

I nodded with so much certainty. “Maybe for others it doesn't matter, Mas. But for me, especially reflecting on the relationship that was established between us before, I really need it.”

O Lord, is this the time that You have destined for Mas Farhan to express all his feelings? Is it at this time that he will say that he is beginning to care for the servant?

This heart began to crumble, waiting for an answer from Mas Farhan. Thoughts are no less busy, contradict each other, overlapping their respective views between positive and negative. Slowly, seeing Mas Farhan's inertness, these lips began to bite. Both hands have begun to fret, not to forget the sweat that also continues to wet every part of the body. Even I'm sure Mas Farhan will clearly see the sweat on my temple.

“So?”

“Forget that one. I want to go out for a while.”

Look, right? This is what I was afraid of, and Mas Farhan repeated it again. If he really couldn't answer my question earlier, why would he mind when I say that I don't believe him?

“Mas, where are you going?” I screamed a little so I realized he was no longer here.

“Keep out. Please use HP, yes. Last time saw the battery was low.”

I think I'll get an answer today. Apparently not. My hope is still far away. I feel tired.

Should I just give up?

...***...

Who's waiting for Mas Farhan? This is Mas Farhan coming. Yeaay. Don't forget to leave a trace, yeah. I'm lazy again. He-he.

Sweet greetings from the sweet author

Sumenep, Madura, East Java

Saturday, 7 August 2021