Just a Bond

Am I Happy?

It feels so painful. Imagining the old face of Dad tinged with disappointment alone made me not want to be in that time. What if what I'm afraid of really happened?

Oh my God, what am I supposed to do?

"Najwa."

That one lyrical call distracts me from the memory of the past and all the conflicting speculations in my mind, trying to destabilize myself. Immediately I lifted the head that had time to lay face down while tightly grasping the hand of Father. I was not strong enough to withstand the tightness in my chest looking at Dad's calm face earlier, I lowered my head.

My eyeballs bought when I saw Dad had opened his eyes. Realizing that Dad was looking at me worried, quickly, I wiped the tears that poured down my cheeks.

"What's wrong with you, son? Why crying?"

Suddenly, I'm gnawing. Crying in silence that I originally thought did not disturb Daddy's break, in fact he who became the intermediary Father woke up.

"Najwa ... Najwa ain't nothing, Dad." I replied with a loud voice.

I saw Dad rise. Immediately, I got up from my seat and helped him to lean on the head of the cot. Seeing Dad's haggard face made my heart feel pinched.

My dad's not okay.

Long enough to look at the face of the man who became one of the intermediaries I was in this world, I then hold it tightly. I miss him so much.

"Sorry, Dad. I'm sorry I woke you up and just found out you're sick."

I really feel guilty about Dad. If only Mas Reza hadn't told me, I might still be resting in the room. Because honestly, I feel tired from the trip.

"It's okay. I'm just a little soy."

I broke the hug off of him. This is my father. Though it was clear that his body showed that he was sick, he said it was okay. That's how it is, Dad laughed softly. Like it was just a mild pain.

O Allah, Well .. If you see this father, Najwa is ashamed. Najwa can't be as loud as Dad.

"Dad ...."

Father still showed a cheerful look in front. He showed off a sweet smile on his lips, while looking at me in the shade. Although small strokes began to appear on his face due to aging, my father still appeared charming with that smile.

Ah, Dad. I miss the times when Dad was young and fresh. While still his passion worked hard for his children. Before the end he was no longer allowed heavy activity since the stroke after the departure of Mother. Mas Gibran and Mas Rezalah changed Father's position.

However, the burden of my two brothers has now reduced. I was already the same Mas Farhan; Rifka with Rifki, her husband; and Weny. One year before I got married. He married young due to the insistence of his fiancee. Thankfully, her husband was kind and responsible. Weny's life was also prosperous. Although it will never be absent from the problem, anyway. Which makes me salute when they can get through the problem. Even if reasoned with logic, their age is still early. Much younger than me. Lah, me? Which people say is adult, even like it is very difficult to solve my problems.

God, why compare yourself to others. Please don't copy my attitude on this one, yeah. Everyone has their own specialties. We are not them, they are not us. The portion of the problems in his life must be different, and the way they deal with it is different.

All right, back to my brothers.

Mas Reza is unmarried. I don't know. When asked when to get married, my brother always replied, "You were happy with your husband. New Mas Reza married."

I protested when he said that reason. I don't want to be the reason my brother isn't married. I got hit by her fiance again. It is considered to be a barrier.

You must understand why Mas Reza is so. And for some reason, it was like there was a strong inner bond between me and Mas Reza. What he was afraid of really happened. My marriage orientation is hard to understand. Is this a form of reprimand for me not to speculate first and not think negatively too far first? Ever heard the words, something we fear, even he who is most likely to happen?

Ah, why even discuss things, anyway. Ignore my thoughts that lately like to be clumsy, yes. Back to Dad.

"When have you been like this?"

I'm looking for a comfortable position to spend time with Dad. The longing for her figure pushed me to be more with her.

"It's only been this week, really." Dad smiled. "Not to worry. You took good care of me."

I'm throbbing faintly. "Why didn't Mas Reza tell me you were sick, anyway? Najwa can come home early."

"It was Dad who banned your mas story."

My eyes were slightly rounded, not thinking of hearing Dad's reply. "Oh God, Dad. Why that? Najwa's Dad's son too. Can't you know that? Mas Gibran as well as Rifka and Weny know that you're not sick?"

My forehead shriveled when I saw Dad chuckle again. Not answering my question.

What's so funny try?

I sighed softly seeing Dad's response. "Dad ... Najwa asked this, you know."

And Dad laughed out loud. The pangs in me are getting worse. What are you laughing at? Even the two corners of the man's eyes were dripping with clear liquids. Is that how I am? I'm not in a comedy, you.

Still curled up, Dad then held his stomach. All right, I'm resigned. I mute, let Dad blur his laughter. After all there is a certain happiness that then sneaks into the heart when I can make Dad laugh after this. Like no burden at all. The pale and haggard look of his face slowly shone thanks to that smile.

Alhamdulillahot. Stay happy, Dad.

I gawked at Dad's words. Meaning how?

Duh, my brain is loading, uh.

I looked seriously at the face of Father who was preparing to give an answer. "From Dad's five children, you're the only one who's quiet. I like to hold anything by myself. But look now, you're so chatty, son. Dare to protest the same Dad."

God, I just realized the direction of Dad's conversation. O God, it seems like living with Mas Farhan with all the problems he has put on me, forming a new character in me. I just got to see my change. And if you remember, I did incarnate a chatty woman verbally since marrying Mas Farhan, anyway. He used to talk to books. Or else, to Mas Reza.

Salut, anyway. It turned out that marrying a cold and grumpy man like Mas Farhan was not in vain. Uh. With that attitude, I could interact more verbally without writing anymore.

I shook my head slowly, not thinking about my change.

"really? Najwa is very different, huh, Dad?" Just trying to make sure, actually. Because I realized so much change in me.

Dad giggles. "Yes, Son. You are so different. Must be Farhan asking you to keep talking, huh? That's why you're so chatty?"

Hey, what should I answer to Dad?

"But I'm happy for that. Means Farhan's taking you in a positive direction."

I just smiled, confused as to what to answer.

Yes, Mas Farhan is taking me in a positive direction. Positive senewen even almost crazy because of his attitude.

"You're happy with Farhan, son?"

The question .... The sudden question Dad asked made me pause for a moment. The lips were open, but not a word was spoken. I turned my eyes away when Dad suddenly flashed an intense gaze, just as the police wanted to interrogate the perpetrators of the crime.

Am I happy? Obviously, I'm happy to have a husband like Mas Farhan, but. Now then? Em ...?

I want to answer with the first option. But my tongue feels funny.

Why are you so nervous? Don't make your father suspicious, Najwa. Let's answer!

Until some time passed, no sound came out of this mouth. My throat was suddenly dry, making it difficult to talk.

"Najwa, why are you quiet?"

I took a deep breath first, then turned back to face Father. I thought this question would only be given by Mas Reza. Turns ....

"What's this problem that made Dad drop?"

For some reason, my thoughts suddenly led to it. All I know, someone who has a history of heart disease, once there is a problem will definitely drop. Because they must be heavy on the mind, and when the mind is depressed, the work of the heart is not normal.

"Daddy's answer is first, and I'll tell you why."

I breathe heavily. Why is this problem not solved? Why is it always discussed? I remember Mas Gibran. A while ago, he asked me the same question. However, my first brother was not like Mas Reza who continued to explore the roots. He's more resigned, so.

Why is everyone worried about me, anyway? I always try to show that I am okay. I'm tired of always being troublesome.

Because as I said a while ago, from the past, I was the one who thought the most about Dad and Mom.

"Dad, ... Najwa is happy, really."

"But your gaze is different, Wa."

I bow my head deeply. I'm always unprepared to be faced with this problem. However, circumstances are always compelling to exist in these conditions. When I choose to hold meetings in my household affairs, there is always a gap for others to notice. Maybe it's my fault too, anyway. I am the one who cannot control myself. My flight hours are not yet.

...***...

Glad the story of Mas Farhan and Najwa update again? Happy dong, no time? Hehe. Joking.

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Don't get bored with Mas Farhan's story. God willing, I try to update it smoothly every day.

Sweet greetings from the sweet author.

Sumenep, Madura, East Java

Friday, 25 June 2021