I'M BETWEEN YOU AND HIM

ESPECIALLY WHAT I HAVE TO DO

I don't know what to say. I didn't know I had to do anything else. Everything disappeared from my sight. Like a big empty box. Just a scary echoing sound when we talk. That's what my heart is like now.

Even my tears are no longer flowing. Just a blank look, there was no hope.

The car is traveling at high speed. If Allah willed, I almost had an accident because several times I ran a red light without paying attention to it. I'm rattled.

My brain feels dull hard to think. My soul feels dead as if left spiritually.

My Lord, Allah Azza Wajalla.... What is this feeling that encompasses my whole body, soul and heart? God the Lord of the Universe, what pain is this that attacks the entire pulse joint of my feelings. I'm like light without a burden. I'm like a piece of paper that slipped out of its rim. I'm alone. Floating with empty dreams and desires.

What else do I have to do, God! It was like seeing Ranti inside me. Is this how Ranti felt when I cheated on her with a friend she loved? Like this is the pain of Ranti who does not know what to do and say what. All has gone and numb. Even anger evaporates somewhere. Just empty and empty of soul.

Ranti!.... I planted a poisonous sword too deeply in your heart. Even traditional herbs and medicine cannot heal your heart. Even though time goes by and times have changed. I sowed so much poison that it still feels even though it has been for many years.

Ranti.... I justify your words now. I just realized that I only need you as a bully of my lame life. I just want you to complete yourself to achieve the goal of living full of happiness. But I forgot, I forgot that you are human too. My equal has the same feelings and desires to love.

I have been too lamenting with all the shortcomings and sorrows of my life. I ask and ask too much. And Allah is Good to me. Allah gave a good soul mate to a obedient Ranti, but I forgot myself by wasting it because of my error. I have to accept all of Ranti's decisions cheerfully. Without heartache and deep disappointment. Because Ranti's words are true, .. If I am disappointed in the decision she has taken, it means that I do not love her whole heart. It means I just love myself. But what's with this self? Disappointment feels chest tight. Drown out all the good flavors in my life.

What else do I have to do. I can only pray for his happiness. But how is my happiness? Ranti.... Now I realize how cruel I am to you. Because the pain is so excruciating. That's how I feel now from your cruelty to me. Is this karma for me, Ranti?

I locked myself in my room for days. Not eating or drinking. I also did not leave the room to take a shower. I even let urine litter the walls of my room when the urge to pee was unstoppable. My phone rings a lot but I don't mind. Mul and Jabrik persuaded me but couldn't make me obey them. Could I be half crazy now? But I feel like my brain is light and has no mind burden.

My eyes are hard for me to close even if it's only an hour. For days I just sat quietly on a bed that began to be dirty, smelly because I did not change the sheets and I did not wipe the floor.

I've forgotten how many days I've been acting like this. I lock myself sometimes. But out at night.

I walk along the sidewalk every 12 p.m. Sit for a while when passing the bus stop just to look up the sky to look at the moon.

Lordy! Why is the moon just one, without a partner? Like I was that month? Missing a lover who never comes? Cowering alone when stars don't appear. Why God? What do you want to show us? Should we feel sorry for the moon alone? While he was so high towering no one could reach out.

I heard the sound of crickets and toads on the sidelines of the ciliwung. His voice was heartbreakingly sad. Are the frogs and crickets alone, Lord? Are they crying because of loneliness? Where is their partner? What causes them to languish left behind by their beloved heart? Are they like me, Lord? A selfish man with no feelings? My god..... I'm tired! I'm walking in no direction. Should I just die? Hang yourself or jump into the black and smelly ciliwung times? Or am I better off jumping from a height? Letting my body fly along with my floating soul?...

The dawn prayer roused me from the turmoil. Only a small stream seeped through my cheeks that looked thin and wrinkled. The tears are coming again.

Oh Allah.... Yes Robbi...! What happened to me. What do you want with me. Yes Rohman yes Rohiim.... What I should do. What else do I have to do now?...

For days you let me go through deep pain. Lost consciousness when not drunk. Is this what you call a breakup? Is this because I am weak in faith?

I'm male. I am strong and hardy. But I'm also fragile if I have to live alone. What is the use of wealth and wealth if it is not balanced with love and compassion. Ranti said happiness cannot be bought with money. Ranti said, not all women like treasure.

Yep. I could buy a woman who likes money. But can he please my heart like Ranti did before? I could have channeled my biological desires with money, but what about the desires of happiness, sincerity and peace of my heart?

Oh Allah... Help me God! Please strengthen my faith. Please guard me from the destruction of my heart, O God! I don't want to go crazy. Nor do they want to be destroyed. But I don't know how anymore. Please show me my way!

The mosque looks so beautiful. The blue light made a shady silhouette on the wall.

I convinced myself in full consciousness. I kissed the left right shoulder. Smell shirt. I don't know how many days I didn't shower and change clothes. I forgot about myself. I forget that I have God, my creator.

I wanted to go prostrate in my Lord's house, but I was shut up because I felt my body was full of filthy feces.

I put my feet back down the sidewalk to the way home. My heart is filled with your asthmaul husna as a substitute for my prayers. If I can go home before the dawn prayer time runs out, I will do it at home soon.

I was almost crazy for a few days. If only God had not rebuked me immediately through his prayer call, perhaps my soul would have drifted further and further away. Astaghfirullahal'adziim....!

I walked home like a 5-year-old boy lost in the wilderness. My tears came back as my heart called God's asthma.

O God, O Rohman, O Rohim...

Yes Karim yes Adziim....

Yes Awwalu yes Akalu....

How can I deny my destiny. Yet it is clearly written as the sixth pillar of Faith. Where is my faith, if I really deny it? Allah has arranged for the Qodo and Qodhar both to come from Allah. As Muslims, we are obliged to accept it. Astaghfirulla...... Why am I so close to meeting the devil? Dark eyes and almost self-destruct.

Oh Allah.... Hugged me in Your love, O God! You are the only place I ask. Give me life and tranquility! Even without Ranti and Orange by my side, O Allah! Give me strength! To keep going to accept my destiny from you.

Man is a place of death and sin. It is appropriate to ask forgiveness and repent. But that does not mean our sins and mistakes in the past, making us have to fall and continue to be locked up with regret without resolution. Regret always comes to an end. But it would be better, than no regrets at all.

We guys always want to win on our own. We men were created by God with higher selfishness. To be a priest on this earth. To guide his soulmate's wives as well as his descendants. Because we are men, given more power to account for our spouses in the afterlife. That is why God gave us more power than women. Because the husband's responsibilities are actually heavier than the wives.

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