I'M BETWEEN YOU AND HIM

IS THIS HOW YOU LOVE ME, GOD??

I'm hiccups. Removing the melted tears that were still flowing profusely on my cheeks. The lacing of an inmate's iqomat pulled my subconscious back.

Is this how you love me, God? Is this proof that you love me so much? And I should be grateful for all the reproof and trials in my life. Not running away disappointed with your punishment. Have you never condemned except to warn of all the actions taken by Your people? My eyes seeped again.

I stood limped. Following my first prostration in this prisoner. I kept crying throughout my prayers. Lamenting how small I am before my Creator. I am ashamed of all my actions when He is Giving. And I His contemptuous creation is too arrogant to prostrate to ask for His forgiveness.

"Call me bang Sobri! You who? How old are you?" tanya bang Sobri is more friendly after finishing prayers. Her face so brightly shining with eyes staring gently made me fall down crying on her feet.

"I'm Dika, bang! It's been 40 years. My case,"...

"Quite, I've heard your story from the warden's head. You don't need melancholy drama to tell me your life story! Just so you know, I'm here for 6 years. And there's 7 more years in my custody! Do you want to know why I'm in prison? I've killed 5 lives at once. My wife, her affair, my firstborn, and my two in-laws. All died at the end of my dagger in one slash!.."

I swallowed spit. Just silence does not dwell to hear the story in a loud voice as usual.

"Enough, do you know who I am now?.. Can you make a saga?" tanyanya. I'm nodding.

"Take the Quran! Get two!" his orders no matter how hard I stand and walk. Even to take two holy verses of the Qur'an is a very hard work with the right hand only.

"Don't help him!" hardik bang Sobri to a prisoner who helped me out of pity to see me who was trained alone.

With great difficulty and hard struggle I finally managed to bring two pieces of the Qur'an as he commanded. Then sit tight trying to hold my left leg loose.

"Open the letter of Al-Fatihah!"

With a tremor I opened the first page. I read slowly verse by verse back with tears.

"Sodakallahul'adziim....!" Bang Sobri concluded my study after a page of Al-Baqorohku's letter moved on to the next couple.

We're back in our slack.

"The right road! It's only 40 years old but the road is like 80 years old! Kuatin, don't cry! Fight disease! Nih, chew gum on your left leg!" I was shocked to receive the toss of a bag of plastic gum.

And so it was. The beginning of my meeting with bang Sobri. The figure of the man I respected from that moment on.

Although he seemed cruel because of his assertiveness. But it turns out he was able to make me slowly improve from my sedentary stroke to be lighter.

Even now eating can be done without spilling on the left side. Also the left hand starts to be able to hold the spoon although it is a bit sluggish. Because bang Sobri always rebuked me and scolded my inaction because of this disease. Also because every night he also massaged my legs and hands with his homemade massage oil.

Vika was surprised to see my condition when she came to side with me after 3 months and a half.

"Why are you, ma'am?" tanyanya was so anxious.

"I'm having a moderate stroke, honey! My body is paralyzed. It's been better than half a month ago." Again Vika was just crying holding my hand.

"Mas! I now live in his family Mr. Iksan. The house has been taken over because I can't afford to pay the installments."

"Are you all right, Vika?" I stroked Vika's hair. I looked at him fixedly. Imagine the hardships he also went through out there.

Vika looked back at me. A smile indicates that he is not okay.

Vika's words made me fall silent. I realized, Vika needs money. It takes work to survive. And indirectly, I've troubled her life by spending her money to take care of my case first.

"It's a great opportunity, honey! But is it a distance to work in Singapore?" askaku.

"The salary is pretty good too, mom! And again only 2 years. After my work is up and you are free, we can start a new life! Do you agree khan?" ask again.

I just stroked her hair slowly.

"Then what is its validity? Is your job legally equipped with documents and work permit visa? Careful, honey.... There are many scams today. Moreover, your age is also not a productive age at work." I said slowly.

"It's a good offer, man! I'm 34 years old but I can still get a job with a big salary. Paid for dollars anyway! It's legal koq! I only deposited an initial 4 million in passport, visa and mail! My friend worked there for almost 4 months. Bona fide company mas, trusted!"

"Then take this opportunity! I support you, honey! As long as you can take care of yourself and take care of your health there. People's countries are different from their own, Vika! Be careful, a lot of good people turn out to be bad."

"Mas! I will try hard to work well there. I can save up again later! After we are together later, we can get married starting a new life either with Ranti's approval or not!"

"If I'm free, I'll make a living. Not you, honey! That was my principle long ago. Although I can't promise luxury, but I'll work hard for our lives."

"Yes, mom! I trust you. I'll wait for those times!" Vika clasped my fingers tightly. Her smile expanded with tears on both of her cheeks.

"I will miss you so much, Vika!... When did you start working?" many sad.

"The letters are being taken care of. After everything was done, I flew straight to Singapore, ma'am! Pray for me to be there, Mom! We fought together. Like you said, we can get through this."

"Yes. We can definitely get through it. God loves us!" I said full of hope.

This is the last time Vika saw me. For the next 2 years I can no longer see her sweet smile and beautiful face. I can only make out in shadows and memories.

I only cried in my Ashar's bow after Vika passed. Unfortunately fate! My life is like falling down a ladder. There is no more love and compassion than ever before. Even one by one the people I loved passed away leaving me. This is the reward of my own actions. Not karma and not because God hates me. This is how God loves me! This is a good time to start my life again from the beginning. With all good intentions and prayers of hope that my life will return to normal and on the right track.

I threw away all the dirty thoughts and negative thoughts that were in my brain. I pursue the target of the Qur'an every month. There is no place to think of love let alone lust other than my gratitude and regret to Allah SWT. Bang Sobri is my best friend right now. We started to race for the good. And the gift that God gave was a gradual cure for my illness.

I diligently worship, fasting on Monday Thursday and also religious studies in the mosque rutan with ustad and kiyai who almost every week alternated. I am also active in all social activities. I need to be able to master all fields. For my survival after the end of my prison. Looking for a job with a cover letter in companies seems to be far from the mind of my age that has expired to become an employee.

It doesn't feel like a year has passed more easily. Even the warden allowed me to hold my hard-earned cell phone little by little in the foundation by selling souvenirs from the wood waste I made.

If there's more money I can buy credit and I can access social media to know the lives of my loved ones out there. Although not confident to start asking for friendship confirmation let alone conversation via inbox. But it's enough to treat my misses to find out their condition. Especially my wife and daughter who have moved house.

The orange is big. He is 3 years old now. My little girl looks so beautiful and photogenic. He bequeathed the beauty of Ranti and charisma. Aah...my kangen is overflowing! Do you remember this orange face of your dad? I just rubbed my face. Dare not to guess.

I'm looking for medsos Vika. He changed his name and identity. Because I can't find it in cyberspace. There was only a double that used to be, when he was still working with Ranti.

I could also see the social media of my brothers and some of my friends. Hhh... There was a sense of sadness and joy after seeing all that. My longing is back in memory of the past. And again only tears accompanied me through the night crept in the morning. Hhh....

In a row