I'M BETWEEN YOU AND HIM

ME AND HIM

This is the second time I visited Orange at Ranti's house. This morning I told Ranti that I was going to see them this afternoon. Ranti assented a sign of agreement.

Our meeting now looks more relaxed. Orange also more intensely talk to me. I'm proud to have a child as smart as Orange. Though he was only 4 years old, but his way of thinking and catching was extraordinary. Makes me sometimes startled and exaited with words that spontaneously come out of her tiny lips. Makes us laugh out loud.

Aahs.... The atmosphere I always missed.

"Well, why don't you want to stay here? The boss is fierce, isn't he?" the word Orange makes me and Ranti slack. Ranti held back a laugh covering her mouth. It looks so sweet.

"I never taught Jingga that, you know, mas!" he tried to plead hearing the adorable question of Jingga.

"So, papa always briefly play the same orange. Magrib went straight home. Must be a bad boss. Yes khan?" Arguing like that makes us laugh again. Orange does not lisp like most children his age.

"Elin's father is also a fierce boss, said Elin, mah!" said Orange again. He knew it from his friend's story. Hehehe..sweet once my son! I can only hug her. Touched.

"Later if Orange is bigger, papa invite Orange to see papa's work. Wanna?"tanyaku make orange eyes sparkle.

"Can, pah? Is the boss angry?"

"Papah has no boss now. Papah trade chicken splints. Later if papah here again, papah bawain deh make Orange. Wanna?"

"You, want, want!"

Orange prancing with excitement. Makes me even more anxious with her and kisses her cheek left right.

Ranti gave me a cup of coffee. Sitting sweetly beside me and Orange.

"Where are you doing? Smoothly?"

"Alhamdulillah, thanks to your prayers!"

"Alhamdulillah...."

"O yes.. This is for the cost of orange. Sorry just this way, Ranti! I'd like to ask for another envelope for my father. Please huh? Maybe Hera can get it here. I dare not go home. I'm still mad."

Ranti smiled, taking two envelopes from me.

"God willing, I say your word!"

"Thank you, Ranti!"

"Sama-sama, mother! How's Vika doing? Surely you can now contact khan?" Ranti's question confused me to answer. I shook my head with a small smile.

"Maybe in a few months Vika will be home, huh? Most excited', he'll take care of you after this. You can start a new life!"

I didn't respond to Ranti's words. Just smile and swallow bitter saliva because until now still not found clarity from Vika.

"How's your online boutique business, Ran?"

"Alhamdulillah... Everything is fine!"

"Thank God!"

I'm silent. Trying to find a topic that would be fun for us to talk. But this thought is like a dead end.

Until magrib arrived and I rushed to the nearest mosque from Ranti's house. I feel sad when Ranti's question is only about Vika and Vika. I want to be able to talk a lot about anything with him. Because if there is a topic Vika discussed, I become anxious and down to say more. Hhh. .

"Replace! I am going home.. Thanks for the banquet. Say hello to Orange! Sun dear from his papa!"

I'm leaving after magriban. Like the word orange. But actually for the sake of pursuing a train majoring in Jakarta. And I can hurry up to the contract to make a batter splinter.

Jingga was going to teach at the house of Mr. Ustad not far from Ranti's house. So every time I go home, I can't say goodbye to orange properly.

I felt my mood go down. Lazy and weak to go home. But I have to force it to live my next life again. Making a living as rice and a hunk of hope. Can build up again the identity that has been lost and also find glory in the past.

The night is getting late. After a few hours of struggling with flour, ground chicken and flavoring spices, I still had to be busy printing the dough into raw splints and steaming it again until cooked.

My phone rang a few times. Ringing back made me wash my hands immediately and check who called me in the middle tonight.

Unknown number. I just remember who I gave my personal number to today. Or maybe a new customer who wants to order my crab.

I immediately picked it up after ringing again.

"Yes, hello. assalamualaikum!"

Alaikum... Mas's? Dika Mas?

My heart is beating fast. This voice.

Maaas it's me, Vika! How are you doing, mas?

I'm good too, mom!

"When are you coming home, honey? I'm kangen!"

Mas's!... Sorry...mmm..me, extend my contract for another 2 years.

"Isn't your work time running out these months?"

Ja. But I had to extend it. My savings are not enough to go home. Sorry mas!

I was silent for a long time overcame the disappointment in my heart. Vika..., after the end all the ending is open to us. You just let me go too?

"Vika! Wouldn't you better go home, honey? We work in our own country. Hows it?... I also started my own business, Vika! We can learn from the beginning. Okay?"

Sorry, mas! I guess. hhhh. I'm also here working hard myself to make my life better than my day. I hope you understand!

"What mean? Our relationship is not going well? That's right, Vika! Go home, we fix everything!"

I can't mas! I'm here pretty good. And also my performance is doing well, I can't take everything here for granted. Please understand! For now, let's live each of our lives. Praying each other for the best.

Hhh.... I just realized the direction of Vika's conversation. He wants to let go of this relationship. Want to separate from me completely.

Mas?? Dika Mas?

"Yes, Vika! Is that what you want Vika? Hhh...."

Mas, please don't be mad!

"I'm not angry. Can't be mad at you, Vika! Well, if that's your will! I know, right now I have no right to rule your life. I cannot promise you anything yet either. I'm sorry, if I let you down, Vika!"

I'm the one who's sorry, mom! After so far our sacrifice, I, unable to endure any longer. I gave up on our distant relationship. Sorry, mas!

"Okey, never mine! Take care of yourself, Vika! Do not forget to pray to God that you are always happy. I always pray for you from here!"

Go back to Ranti, mom! Please say sorry to him.

"We're officially divorced Vika! Yes, I closed the phone! Almmas!"

Tut tuut tuut.. .

I was just glued with my hands firmly grasping my phone. My mind felt frozen. My heart is really dead.

First Ranti, now Vika. Two women who used to be so fond of me one by one left me alone. Unforgivable.

How'd i?

Hey you guys! Don't you think about how I feel right now? Are you guys conspiring to play me? Playing with my life and love? Are you really having fun right now?

The devil and the devil entered my soul. Rip my heart. Sowing salt in my wounds. I cried in the room. Not paying attention to Jabrik who repeatedly asked me about my situation.

I'm like a heartbroken 15-year-old. Disappeared. Crying loudly made Jabrik banged on my bedroom door.

I don't care anymore. I just want to vent my emotions. I want to pour my anger.

Even the torrential rain immediately accompanied my song of grief. I was really drowning in disappointment. How cruel love is to me. It flew me to the clouds and dropped me from a height without mercy.

Oh Allah.... This heart pain. It's sad this inner feeling. Is love really not on my side, God? Since childhood until now, why is love always away from me? Why is God.....

Only tears flooded the pillow where I lay face down on the mattress.

Tired that made me fall asleep without remembering anything else. Until 2pm I woke up and woke up.

My eyes are swollen with tears coming out. Rushing to the bathroom hanging out long time on the wc.

After a long time I realized I went out to check the unresolved work earlier. I saw Jabrik curled up on the rug carpet with a sheath. The gas stove was turned off, Jabrik apparently. So did the chicken splinter that was scattered. Now it's been moved into the frezeer. Jabrik must have taken care of it too. Sorry Jabrik! I was crazy for love. Hhh..masyaAllah! I'm ashamed of myself.

I went back to the bathroom. Taking ablution water purifies small hadas. I just want to complain to Him. Right now it's just him where I tell stories. From the most basic heart. Allah is All-Knowing. My pain, my ugliness and my desires.

Ranti, Vika.sorry! I was angry with you guys. I cursed and hated you. Just because I'm no longer among you. Maybe I was too jumawa. Proud and arrogant. Until God takes all the pleasures of love from me. I have to legowo. Accepting God's destiny. Because anger is no use other than getting dirty yourself just because of harsh words. It also made me grow a new disease in my heart disease. I don't want to have that. I don't want to, God! Just a stroke that attacked me a while ago. I don't want God!

The night rolled slowly as my soul calmed down again.

I enveloped Jabrik who was asleep with his breath. This kid is only 24. He also has a lot of sad stories in his life. But still the spirit of living life. Masa' I have to lose with the young man who just grew up today! Allah has tempted me with the bitterness of life for a long time, since I was a child. Cemen once I who have wanted 42 years can lose to him! My mind roils. Back to light the fire.

Bismillah... I am ready to fight with myself again, God!

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