A Man's Self-Esteem Is Working

I'll accept all your fates

I grabbed both hands begging to be able to provide input for a way out of all my problems.

"You sure? Klo you are absolutely sure now Mbak want to ask you have what skills? For example, cook or sew gtu." asked Mbak Yeni to me

Expertise, I don't have any skills as the only child Mother and Father always make it easy for me even though we live in a shortage Mother always forbid if I want to help her work in the kitchen.

Tears soon returned to remember how I was loved and spoiled by the person I missed most after his disappearance.

"Mother I can't do anything, do I work in people?" sobs I stop trying to be calmer.

"When you really want work you have to find something that can be done at home so that your children are still there to look after." Yeni's words made me think hard, what work can be done at home.

Yes indeed in this pandemic the government set a very strict health protocol so it is advisable to work at home only.

"Have not thought about tonight, you have thought too much until your mind is depressed. Ma'am's message, when you are alone and you feel that everyone does not care do not waste your tears you better prostrate to pour out your grievances as holy as God. God is the best helper."

Kowtowed.

Deg

I don't know when was the last time I worshiped and performed my duty. Maybe this is a touch from God's wrestling because I was negligent and wanted me to return to indulge in long prayer and condolences to my Robb.

Since Mother died and tested positive for covid then Mas Ardi in PHK because of pandemic I prefer to think using the brain without involving God with all my affairs.

It made me seem to forget who the King is here, who I can ask for help at any time without having to wait for a good time to meet.

But..

I still deserve to ask after I've forgotten him for so long. Every day God always gives without me thanking you. And when difficulties like this exist, I just think back to Him.

I seem to be very ignorant. But who else can I ask for help when the people closest to me are no longer able to make a backrest, I can not expect.

The pressure and emotions I was getting at this time made my energy and mind drained to the tiredness I felt.

I try to lie next to my baby Rashid, for a moment I look at him I caress his cheeks.

"I'm sorry Mom is Deck.."

I did not feel my eyes began to fall asleep and lulled in a dream.

There was a sound - the sound of the prayer people trying to wake up people - people who are still asleep to prepare - ready to do the morning prayer.

I also woke up and tried to sit down while kneeling slowly forehead and temple alternately because of the rest of the crying last night.

Trying to stand up to clean yourself up and get ready - ready for the dawn prayer.

I spread the prayer mat.

I began to intend then berakbir, which happened after I sobbed and cried.

Like a shame to start an obligation that I've always left behind.

"O Allah be ashamed, hiiikkkh. hiiikkkh. forgive me O Allah.." sedu sedan cry I tried to hold, I took a deep breath and I tried to breathe slowly.

I began to return from the beginning with a state of calm until the greetings ended my morning prayers.

I prayed and asked for her forgiveness for all my sins - all my sins I had spilled until the sobs were heard again.

" O Allah, I am sorry that the servant has been negligent in the duty of the servant.

The servant forgets You are always there for the servant.

The disappointment that I received made me turn away from you.

Until I finally realized that this burden I could not bear alone even hope to ask for help to humans is only disappointment and heartache that I get.

From this I realized that I shouldn't have expected more of a creature who clearly still depends on You.

With this trial I can only rely on Your destiny I will try sincerely in Your decree.

And if this is what I have to live, I beg you to guide this heart to be patient and confident.

Lead me in every trouble so that I may find the way that You have found.. Ammyin."

The breaking already the feeling that I held within the chest sobbing was now like the roar of regret and despair.

Several times I tried to take a breath and exhale slowly trying to neutralize the contents of the heart slightly dampen the emotions. I fold the prayer mats and the mucus, I keep it on the nightstand.

From last night until this afternoon Mas Ardi never returned, I will try not to care too much. Maybe by giving him a little space and distance I will be easier in maintaining the limits of patience. Trying to divert attention because of the problems, I try to hold the little one while playing walking - the way to the playground around my house.

The rebuke and greeting of the neighbors made Rashid laugh and chatter cheerfully as I forgot with sadness.

"It turns out tired mom paid more with your smile deck. "my inner.

From a distance smelling the fragrance of someone who had been in memory made me frown and sniff and close my eyes.

"Assalamualaikum humairah.." said a tall man wrapped in white cocoa with a golden brown sheath.

I just frowned and tilted my head slightly unable to recognize who he was because of the mask.

He just chuckled amusedly at my behavior.

"Sorry you talked to me?" I asked while looking to the right and to the left because all I know in this park that is close to this man is only me and my son Rashid

"Of course the beautiful lady has a red cheek." she replied

I gasped in shock when I found out that the man in front of me was trying to seduce me especially with the clothes he was wearing.

" I'm sorry you spoke so politely?!"

I said firmly because it began to be uncomfortable with what other behavior from a distance some mothers - mothers who were playing with their children - their children noticed this man.

" Sir ..!! Come on Indri I'm not that old my age difference and you're only 18 months." The answer is a little upset

" Muhammad hussein abdilah ibn KH. Abdul Kadir "my eyes widened until I finally laughed out loud - bahak

" The habit of saying people's names must use their nasab" he murmured slowly

"Heh not everyone, it's just you." My answer is still chuckles and smiles - smiles

" When do you arrive in Indonesia?" Because I setau my favorite son KH. Abdul Kadir is studying in Cairo, Egypt

"Almost a year ago anyway, when I arrived here because it was in a pandemic state so I was quarantined in the city of Bandung and helped Uncle teach in Bogor, pesantren led by him on the orders of Abi "

We talked while walking - the road around the playground because Rashid who is quite active running around here and there.

" so much gumushh your child humairah clay cheeks so I want to pinch it." said Husein his hand trying to reach Rashid.

"Don't try - try it..!"

"But he's a real Gumushh, if I'm fat in thought - think he'd want to?"

" I can not guarantee anyway, usually if the same new person he diem do not want to deket even worse run while crying."

" I tried it first..?!"

Thumbs up as a sign of agreement.

" Assalamualaikum.. handsome again what?" Sapa Husain squatted to balance the height of the Rashid who was looking at butterflies perched on one of the bright yellow Marigold flowers. Rashid turned and answered his greetings

"Kum. yam." looked at Husein and then fell silent.

"One. two. tigg.." I did not finish counting Rashid crying and running towards me for a moment I looked at Husein with a mocking look.

I grabbed Rashid and I carried him to calm him down.

"Darling mother.cup.cup.cup already no longer need to cry yes mother will exist, it's her friend mother's name is uncle Husein. Rashid does not need to cry and be afraid again yes" I pat Rashid's back trying to channel a sense of security to him.

But still the name of a small child sometimes afraid of someone he just knew.

Until finally I plan to leave and go home because the time has begun to twilight.

"Husein, I'd better go home at dusk, thanks for accompanying me to play with Rashid"

"Hmmmm. play what's new in whatever is already crying, yes it's heart - heart yes to meet again the hero of Assalamualaikum" I chuckled amusedly with Husein's speech more precisely grumbling.

"Wa' alaikumus salam" I answered with a wave of Rashid's hand which I shook towards Husain we separated.

The night before I tried to chant the holy verses of the Quran after the prayer isya that I did mangkrak 2 hours because the Rasyid whining that began to sleepy asked to be accompanied by sleep. The sound of a motorbike stopped in front of the house, I tried to end my reading. Adam's voice called out to me.

"Mothers.. Mother.. Adam is home..!" his voice filled the house that was not how wide

"Hush. go home instead of saying greetings Mas, instead shouted - shouted. That Rashid sleeps later wake up" I replied as I pinched Adam's cheek lightly which was answered grimly by my son.

" Sir." I grabbed my Father-in-law's right hand I kissed the back of his hand with reverence.

"When did the nduk pray?" which only answered a slow nod from me

"Alhamdulilah, be patient. I'm sorry I'm with your mother-in-law who can't educate Ardi to be the father who is responsible for you." - I'm sorry.

I just nodded with a smile.

"It is not entirely your fault, rather there is no one to blame for Mas Ardi's decision."