A Man's Self-Esteem Is Working

This pain makes me desperate

I also approached trying to reach the rope I looked at from top to end of the rope.

I heard the sound of the door being knocked several times.

Tok.shock.

"Sir..this is Mbakyu you've been sleeping?"

I was still floating, staring at the rope I was holding until I could not hear the sound of the call from outside.

"Dek.the door is not locked, Mbakyu entered!"

I was still silent and trying to wrap the rope around my neck.

"Astagfirulaglam..!!! Indri Ya Allah wrestling istigfar Deck do not be rich gini nduk kasian your children!!"

Hysterical Brother yeni hugged and tried to release the winding rope that had started tightly around my neck.

"Mbakyu.I tipped the children yes, I have no strong Mas Ardi ko evil yes same me" said I while interspersed with cries.

"Istigfar Dek kasian children all problems there must be a way out Dek" replied Mbak yeni while holding my right hand.

My little baby Rashid woke up and cried loudly, because of the commotion we made.

"See your baby's Deck crying she must be afraid of being left behind, who else cares about her if you're gone."

I looked at Rashid, an 18-month-old baby, sitting on the bed crying with both hands raised up like he wanted to grab me.

"Mother.mbu..mbu huaawaaa"

her tears called my name as soon as I realized I was loosening the rope that was holding my neck, I carried Rashid who was still crying and we ended up crying together.

"Make this cry a strength, that you may be more steadfast in the trials that God has given. The test comes because God believes that you can, by being tested you must be better than before. Remember the lust of God is always with those who are patient." Said Sister Yeni while stroking my hair.

"Oh yes Mbak here bring vegetables asem same fried fish your favorite eaten yes Dek." Mbak yeni showed me the rantang he brought earlier.

"So I was here in the afternoon but no one was there, so I brought the food back home. Mba simple ning kitchen yo Dek"

Sister yeni the closest neighbor to me, she already thinks of me as her own sister because she thinks my face is similar to the face of her sister who died 5 years ago because of illness.

Rashid had calmed down and fell asleep again after I gave ASI. I'm still daydreaming about the incident, if my suicide happened somehow with my children.

Because getting upset and angry easily satan sneaks into my mind.

Back I sobbed in silence, realizing how stupid I was.

If I do that, what is the difference between me and Mas Ardi who lost our responsibility. I have to be strong for my children.

"You've better Deck?" Ask Ma'am Yeni on her return from the kitchen.

"Sir, thank you, ma'am." I answered still interspersed with sobs and tears that still run along the river on both cheeks.

"You still haven't found a bright spot on your problem Deck?" Mbak Yeni's words made me sob again louder.

Yes, only Ms. Yeni who had heard my complaints since my mother died due to lung disease and tested positive for covid by the hospital.

Even at the funeral I could not attend to see my mother for the last time indeed at that time I was pregnant Rashid 4 months and still often nauseous and dizzy.

While you're remarried and living with your new wife out of town. This house is deliberately given by you because I am the only child. The tiny house size of 4 x 7 meters which we partition 3 is what became our shelter now.

"Bak I want to have income, I can not continue to hope the same Mas Ardi. Can you help me?"