Trapped In Ambiguity

Ladle

"Have you read my book?" I asked when Devan parked his bike in the school parking lot.

"Five more sheets, my break time is back," Devan replied without looking at me, he was still busy with his motorbike. Is it that hard to park the motor?

"Let's go," he asked when the business of parking his bike was finished.

"You really almost spent it in one night?" I was enthusiastic and also amazed. My book record is three days, but her? I admit that he is a genius.

"You don't believe it? Want me to spoiler the book?" tanyanya then walked towards the classroom while embracing me. Oh no, I think my cheeks are flushed, usually when he hugs me yesterday, Oh my God.

That morning the school was still quiet, there were only a few students who were seen sitting in front of the class waiting for another friend, maybe, or even enjoying the cool morning air. Unlike Mr. Rama who was busy patrolling here and there, I don't know what he was carrying this early in the morning.

"Eh, you two, Devan, Adel." Mr. Rama's heavy voice stopped our steps. He stands boldly before us now. "It's a school, just hugging" he scolded.

"Yaellah, sir. This Adel I've considered like my real sister, you see how sweet my sister is?" Devan pinched my cheek slowly. "Uhh, gemessnya. but really tumben papa negur, usually bodo very, or maybe the father is jealous? Want me to embrace it too?" devan Goda.

"You're Devan, always looking for trouble with me. Want me to law on the court, embrace the basketball pole? Huh uh?"

Devan immediately let go of his embrace. "My hands are even sir to hoe the basketball pole."

"Devan, to BK now!"

"Let's run, Del." Devan pulled me, asked me to run, so I was shocked. Not caring about Mr. Rama who from earlier began to babble from a distance. I am happy to say that Mr. Rama is old, so he is unable to catch up with us.

I complained to Devan when we arrived in front of my class, who told me to forcefully pull me out earlier.

"Dellong, go to my class later at recess," he said then passed and only I responded with a subtle smile.

After waiting three hours to hear the sound of a break, I walked to her class.

"Where's Devan?" I asked Wildan, my former classmate who is currently Devan's classmate.

"Oh, nyariin Devan?"

I nodded slowly.

"There is no tuh, most of all in the cafeteria playing with girls," he said. I don't know what problem Devan has with Wildan, but it's obvious that Wildan's face hates Devan so much.

"Dellong?" Devan's voice made me look. "Remain here?"

"People have good names called Dellong" Wildan said, then walked away from us.

"What's wrong with her?" I was curious while whispering.

"He doesn't like me being around you, because he likes you" Devan replied flatly.

I nodded in understanding."EH??!!! I LIKE IT WITH AK." Devan suddenly closed my mouth, not letting me continue my words. He then placed the index finger of his right hand on his lips, hinting for me to be quiet. After I nodded, he just took off his left hand.

"Your hands stink." I rolled my eyeballs.

"I'm sorry, abis boker."

"WHAT???!! OHHHH, DEVAAAAAAN."

"Sorry." She just smiled wryly while I was busy cleaning my mouth with tissue. "Oh yeah, your book was borrowed from Yolanda." He looked at me with his signature grin. Two consecutive mistakes. Huft, I let out a rough sigh.

"Devan, I don't want to know. The book must be returned to me today." I folded my hands in front of my chest indicating that I was having a snack.

It wasn't stingy, but Yolanda never returned my book, no matter how often I asked for it. The reason is always the same, 'tomorrow, I forgot to bring it'. I'm tired of hearing that word from Yolanda. There are already four books in his hand, plus the book that Devan picked up yesterday, a book given by Dad that I have never read.

Devan then walks away from me, I hope he goes to pick up the book. But as far as I know Devan, I'm sure he won't do that. Oh, my book, which I will miss, I will miss you even though I have never read you.

***

"What?" reply while shouting.

"Stop the garden."

"What?"

"Stop the park."

Devan then parked his motorcycle in a park located in the city center. During the day, the park is still crowded.I walk to the park bench that is still empty under the shade of the tree. Observing the activities that run around me.

"Gapain come here?" Devan suddenly sat down next to me, facing me and one of his legs he put on the bench.

"Pengen aja," lirihku slowly.

"You look so sad? Do you have a problem? Or are you mad at me for what happened? I'm sorry," Devan held her ear, she's really sorry.

I let out a rough sigh, clashing with my brain to string out the right words for now. My brain felt it was going to be a mistake, but my heart was the opposite.

"Hey, why are you daydreaming?" the question is plain, waiting for an answer.

"I don't know." I began to breathe deeply, trying to relax my mind. "You're innocent, after all, it's not a problem because it happened ." I paused for a moment, "there's something wrong with my heart."

Devan fixed his sitting position, trying to understand me, it was clear from the look on his face. The focus is really on me now.

"I like you" I said, bowed, not daring to look him in the eye.

To my surprise, Devan laughed. "Hey? You likeme? It's natural, you're my best friend, how can you be my best friend if you don't like me, right?"

"No." I looked into his eyes. "That's not what I mean, I like you like women in general, not as friends. I love you, Devan," I said without pause, which made Devan's facial expression change drastically.

Devan was silent for a few seconds. "I'm sorry, I can't break a relationship that has been established for almost 10 years with a bond called courtship. Because in the end, there will only be two possibilities that will happen, breaking up for marriage or breaking up that will create distance." Devan paused for a moment, took a slow breath and then grabbed my hand. "My friend, I never want any distance between us, I never want to lose you, really." Devan rested my head on his shoulder and rubbed my head gently.

I cried, my tears spilled down my cheeks. I just saw Devan this mature when my heart was fragile. "I want to go home" I said.

"I'll drive you."

"I'll take a cab home."

"But, Del?"

I stood up, stopping the taxi passing the road that was in front of me right now. The sky started to soften along with every step I took.

"Library, sir."

Tears never stopped flowing over my cheeks as hard as I tried to stop them, making my vision blurry because of the pile of tears I was trying to endure.

"We've arrived, ma'am."

I just nodded, paid for it, and walked into the library. The drizzle began to wet the city, hitting my hair that somehow began to unravel, I didn't even care where my hair tie was now.

This library is deserted. I took the origin of a book that reached by my hand without reading the title and headed to the library table by the window. A window showing the city's activities. The rain started to fall heavily, it seemed like today the sky was also sad. People started running to find shelter.

My mind went back to remembering the incident, thinking that my heart was wrong. My brain is right, it's a mistake to express feelings to your best friend.

Every now and then I let out a rough sigh, re-observing every raindrop that landed on the ground and creating a splash of water. The book I had taken, I left it on the table, it wasn't open, I didn't even intend to read it at all.

Where are you, Cil?

A message from my father that I only reply with the word 'perpus'. My heart is really fucked. It is very difficult to be at peace with my heart at this moment. Everything changed because of my fault.

I'm sorry I did.