Trapped In Ambiguity

Messed

Upon arrival at home, I immediately rushed to hug my father who was busy watching TV because of the position of the father who was closer than me at that time. I hugged her so tightly and cried as hard as I fixed my seat, taking the position as comfortable as possible.

"Hi, Cil, what's up?" ask Dad in a surprised tone and maybe worried too.

"Ayaaaah," my cries grew louder. I drowned my face on my father's shoulder while my hands hugged his body.

The father, who did not know why I was crying, let me wet his clothes, rubbed my head and tried to calm me down. I then handed over the letter in my hand without changing the position of my head, allowing myself to try to calm down even if I couldn't.

"What letter is it?” ask the mother who is next to my father.

Father then read the letter in a soft voice so that mother heard the contents. After I finished reading it, my father fell silent, just as my mother did not make any sound, only my crying and the TV voice dominating the room at the moment.

"Already, Cil. You can call her, right?" lirih father while rubbing my head back. Even my voice sounded so sad.

I looked up, staring straight into dad's bead of eyes . "But still it's different, Dad." I said.

“What's different? When you meet, you are just talking. You can also vc. Then?” said father. I know, you also know how it feels and how it makes a difference when you talk directly rather than using technology.

I was silent, not knowing what to answer. “I'll be in the room,” I said a few minutes later. I took the letter from my father's hand and walked towards my room. My feelings were really so chaotic, I felt like I could not bear the weight of my own body. A few seconds later my vision darkened and I felt my body hit the floor hard.

×××

"Mother" called me to the person I saw first when I opened my eyes. He was sitting anxiously beside me. I then turned to stare at the wall in my room which showed 6 o'clock exactly.

"Thank God you're sober, cil. Mother cook porridge first, yes," said mother with her face full of smiles. I never knew how to hide her sadness but I knew that she must be so sad because she thought Devan was like her own child. Who wouldn't be sad when they have to part with their child?

"I don't want to eat, Mother," I said.

"You should eat, Cil. Your body needs nutrients."

I shook my head slowly in response. I have no appetite, nor do the worms in my stomach understand when I don't want to eat.

"All right, good night." Mother rubbed my head and kissed my forehead. He walked out of the room, closed the door, and left me alone.

I turned my body to the right. I saw a picture of me and Devan beautifully framed on my bedside nightstand. I then took it, hugged it tightly, then closed my eyes.

×××

I opened my eyes, staring at the window that gave a blemish so that the sunlight could enter. I remember, I slept hugging the picture frame, maybe mom or dad moved it.

"Cil, it's morning. You don't want to go to school?" said the mother who had just opened the door to my room.

"No, Mommy. I beg you."

"You still sick?" ask the mother who holds my forehead.

"Some, Mother. But my feelings are so messed up, I want to rest, I need a break”.

"alright. Mother will bring you food again. You haven't eaten since yesterday. You have to eat, mother does not want to hear rejection again.”

×××

The days I spent in school really turned 180° without Devan here. I was no longer even enthusiastic about my favorite lessons and did not listen to them in other lessons. Devan was always just filling my mind, like taking over. Everything I do always makes me remember.

“Happy birthday, Angel. Happy birthday, Adel, Happy birthday, happy birthday, Happy birthday, Adel,” Kak Rega entered my class at this break with a cake. My friends even celebrated my birthday with Kak Rega.

“Happy birthday, dear,” said Kak Rega who received cheers from the whole class.

“Blow the candles, Del,” shouted one of my classmates. Though lazy, I blew it without spirit.

“Now cut the cake, Adel.”

I don't know why I'm so lazy to move my hand. But for the sake of appreciating my friends and also Brother Rega, I obey their requests.

“Goodbye, friends,” said Kak Rega put the cake on the table, then my friends started to pluck the cake. Diverting their focus from me to that delicious-looking cake.

"It's been almost 2 months that you've lost your identity, Del. The cheerful Adel became a beggar. Adel who was a bawel became quiet. Adel who was always enthusiastic became uninspired. Where was Adel?" asked Kak Rega who was in front of me, in the same chair where Devan usually sat when the break arrived.

“It's also Devan's birthday, Kak.” My speech's flat.

Two months have passed since the day I received the letter. In those 2 months I never tried to contact her, nor did she ever contact me. I'm not angry with him, it's just that I lost control of my own body. I have found it so hard to rediscover myself who may have been immersed in the deepest sea of my heart. Ok, my exaggeration is still there even though I am sad.

“Wah, then I have to wish him a happy birthday too.”

I stared at Brother Rega at a glance without replying to his words. I realized that I was really being quiet, even in my house. I just want Devan right now.

The doorbell rang, Brother Rega left me and headed to his class. Heri then went to teach my class.

"Adel, are you sick? Why are you daydreaming?" ask Mr. Heri firmly.

"I'm fine, sir," I lied. My situation is really very bad and apprehensive right now.

I waited for the time to go on for so long until the bell I was waiting for rang. I'm taking Brother Rega home. Just saying thank you to him, I went inside the house.

"Cil, I got a letter from your school for the first time" he said. I looked at my father's face, revealing a faint smile that I so forced.

Dad followed towards the room, sat down beside me, took me to lean on his shoulder. He then rubbed my hair slowly so that tears were back on my cheeks, making the tears spill in my henna. I hugged my father.

"You didn't really lose Devan, Cil. You've been like this for 2 months. I'm so sad to see your change. I miss the warmth of this house, Cil. Missed your strange behavior." A drop of water washed my arm.

I took off that hug, looking up at my father's face. "Dad crying?" shirihku.

Dad hurriedly wiped his tears, "Sorry, but I can't seem to see my daughter in the dark."

I hugged Dad again, drowning my face in his shoulder. Just silence, again-not speaking in the slightest when my heart is eager to rebel.

Am I like a living corpse?

×××

"Your child's learning spirit is declining very drastically, sir," said Mr. Romi who is currently in front of my father. While I was sitting on the sofa, staring blankly at the white wall that was in front of me. Even though it was 2 meters away, I could still hear their words. I don't know why I was called just to sit here.

"If this continues, sir, your child's grades will come down and make it to the last class next year. It could be the worst year for your child who has since entered this school is notoriously smart," said Mr. Romi. "If we may know, what was going on until Pricilia became like this?" tanyakanya.

I was silent, not opening my voice. Maybe he was putting sentences in his brain. A few minutes later, I finally spoke. "Then, please, give him a week to be home." Father did not answer Mr. Romi's question but sought a solution for me.

"Mother's not kidding, is he? The value of the father's son is in trouble and you ask him in liburkan?" said Mr. Romi with more firm intonation.

"Let her be at peace with her heart for those seven days. I'm sure, next week, when he gets back to school, he'll be back as before. He's a smart kid, isn't he? I'm sure he can pursue a lesson. I beg you, sir, "pinta father.

This time Mr. Romi who returned to silence, may be thinking. "Alright, I'll make a license that Pricilia Adel is in the process of recovering."