Trapped In Ambiguity

Recovering

Four days passed without any habits changing. I became quieter than before and rarely went out unless my stomach really needed to eat. If you notice, my weight also dropped dramatically.

I breathe out slowly. I don't know yet how to convert Devan, and I haven't been able to make peace with my heart and mind. Father said, if I am able to make peace with both of those things, then everything will be fine. But in fact, doing that really takes a struggle and one more thing, I don't know how to do it. Come heart and brain, I want to make peace with you.

My phone rang and I ignored it. But the more I ignored, the phone wouldn't stop ringing. If calculated, there might have been a range of five missed calls Huaaa, who would have intended to bother me when I was in need of peace.

I pressed the green button then brought the phone closer without seeing who was calling.

"Dellong?" That voice was heard from inside this phone I was holding. "Are you okay?"

My tears just fell down, flowing over my cheeks before I made a defensive fort. My cheeks got wet from it for the whole time. I exhaled so gently while wiping my cheek with my left hand

"Woi, what's wrong with you? I got a call from Kak Rega, he told me about your situation there. Of all that Kak Rega said, you sound so pitiful,” grumbled.

I was silent, still reluctant to speak. After all, I don't know how to respond to his words. My brain is working hard right now. On one hand I was happy to hear his voice again, on the other hand I was angry with him.

"Dellong, why are you quiet?"

Devan then switched the call to a video call, but I did not answer.

"Dellong?"

"You're evil, Devan. You're leaving. Why don't you tell me you're leaving so I can spend more time with you" I snapped out loud.

"I'm sorry." Devan's voice suddenly turned hoarse.

"Why didn't you call me?" The intonation of my voice shrank along with the clear fur that was falling more and more from my eyes.

"Dellong, here, I live in a village, so far from the city. The network there is really bad. I had to take a 70km road to get to the city" he explained. "But I can't go to town. Every morning, I have to help my grandfather take care of his cattle, during the day I have to take care of my grandmother, and when night falls, I have to pump water. Not to mention that I have to go to school every day. There's a little school near my house."

I listened to Devan's words. He seems to be working very hard there.

"You know what, Del? sometimes I miss you. Not sometimes, but very. Really missed you. Oh yeah, I'm in town now. Daddy has important needs. When I saw that there were so many incoming calls from Kak Rega, I immediately contacted him, then contacted you."

I kept quiet again, there were many things I wanted to ask Devan but stuck in my mouth, letting the question stay in my mind even though it was demanding an answer.

"Oh yeah, Daddy's coming home. But Dellong, you go back to the cheerful, baffled, and annoying Dellong. Don't act like that. Later if I succeed, I will return to Indonesia, hugging you tightly to break my longing savings."

The phone connection was cut off without giving me a pause to say ‘till seein’. I threw my body in the bed. Stare blankly at the ceiling of the room and then fall asleep in a nightmare. Because since the day Devan left, all my hopes and dreams are no longer beautiful until this very second.

×××

"Cil, let's get up, it's 10." Mother patted my arm.

I then opened my eyes, looked at my mother without making a sound and with my flat expression. It's the fifth day since Mr. Romi decided to write my name in the record of permission for recovery.

"Let's have breakfast, Cil. Mother has cooked your favorite food." I woke up from my sleep, walking to the dinner table. My stomach is demanding to ask for food.

My after-meal activities were just playing the phone in the room all day until my stomach came back asking for the food. Just that, really a boring day that was repeated over and over again for these past 5 days.

I grabbed the box Devan gave me that day. I looked back at the photo sheet by sheet. Portrait of us being happy. My hand then switched to take the keychain Devan gave me. I held the keychain right in front of my face.

“What should I do?” ask me if I know he'll never answer my question.

I put the keychain back in the box and walked out the window. I started to think that with myself like this I could change the fact that Devan was no longer by my side. Even so, Devan is still in my heart and mind. Devan himself told me to stay up, so why am I still in this state?

That night I realized. Why should I grieve for Devan's departure while my father and mother are still here with me. Was I overreacting to Devan's departure. Devan is still breathing on this earth.

On the seventh day, I had to treat my stiff body. I had to go back to Pricilia Adel who was a lot of whims at home, who was like he had no tired to move.

And the eighth day has come, when I have to go back to school. Everything has to be changed. My friends and especially Kak Rega must miss the old Pricilia Adel, right?

"Good morning, Father, Mother," I said excitedly and kissed the cheeks of father and Mother.

"Cil?" said father and mother with faces of astonishment and also sparkling. They may not believe that I'm going straight back to me, but that's what I have to do.

"What's wrong? Let's have breakfast, that's why we're going to school, dad." I smiled, a sincere smile that I tried as much as I could.

After eating, my father took me to school. I shook my hand, got out of the car and waved my hand as my father drove his car away.

I walk with his spirit. Today's physics course. I began to listen, to feel myself back to how I was. I became more active in class. I glanced at my classmates, they looked at me with astonished faces. Gosh darn.

The break bell rang, I was busy working on the physics assignment I had just given, just like I had.

"Adel?" The call made me turn my head, looking at Brother Rega who was grinning.

"What's up, brother?" my answer.

Brother Rega then approached me and sat propping up his chin in front of me and looked at me with a smile.

"Sister? Why is he looking at me like that?" I laughed a little while raising one of my eyebrows.

"My girlfriend is beautiful."

"What the hell, Brother? very nice change." I don't know, but the flutter made me smile so shyly that it took my eyes off her.

"What to do? Want me to help you?" bargained for.

"Thank you for the offer. I'll try to do it myself."

"Sip, Honey. Going to the cafeteria?"

"Come, honey," I said slowly and then stood up from my chair.

"Wait, wait. What did you say?" Brother Rega held my arm, looking at me with an interrogation gaze but with a faint smile.

"I didn't say anything, brother," I said plainly.

"There was. I don't think I heard wrong."

"Nothing, brother," my dear. "Come to the cafeteria, brother. My stomach had sounded from earlier and it seemed like it was coming in, "persuade me after seeing the clock on my wrist.

I clearly knew that Brother Rega heard my voice, only he wanted to tease me and tell me to repeat it. It was fortunate that Kak Rega nodded and did not demand me again to mention that word.

I realize, not forever I have to mourn my sadness because Devan lives. I shouldn't have acted like this. Life goes on no matter what happens to us. But I will always keep Devan in my heart until Devan comes and breaks that longing savings.

And I also realized one thing. The nature, actions, and mood of it depend on how we control it. If we want to be happy, then our hearts and minds will try to do it even in the saddest of circumstances. But this applies to certain circumstances only.

Devan, I will always be waiting for you.