Trapped In Ambiguity

Recovering

I really am at home. I have gone through 4 days that I thought were just a waste. I don't know yet how to convert Devan, and I haven't been able to make peace with my heart and mind. Father said, if I am able to make peace with both of those things, then everything will be fine. But in fact, doing so really takes a struggle.

My phone rang and I ignored it. But the more I ignored, the phone didn't stop ringing.

I pressed the green button then brought the phone closer without seeing who was calling.

"Dellong?" That voice was heard from inside this phone I was holding. "Are you okay?"

"Devan." I exhaled my breath so softly.

"Woi, what's wrong with you? I got a call from Kak Rega, he told me about your situation there. Of all that Sister Rega said, you sound so pathetic."

I was silent, reluctant to speak.

"Dellong, why are you quiet?"

Devan then switched the call to a video call, but I didn't catch it.

"Dellong?"

"You're evil, Devan. You're leaving. Why don't you tell me you're leaving so I can spend more time with you" I said

"I'm sorry." Devan's voice suddenly sounded hoarse.

"Why didn't you call me?"

"Dellong, in this country, I live in a village, away from the hustle and bustle of the city. The network there is really bad. I had to take a 70km road to get to the city" he explained. "But I can't go to town, every morning, I have to help grandfather take care of his cattle, during the day I have to take care of grandma, and when night comes, I have to weigh water."

"You're really hard there," I said.

"Well. You know what, Del? sometimes I miss you. Oh yeah, I'm in town now. Daddy has important needs. When I saw that there were so many incoming calls from Kak Rega, I immediately contacted him, then contacted you."

I kept quiet again, there were many things I wanted to tell Devan but were stuck in my mouth.

"Oh yeah, Daddy's coming home. But Dellong, you go back to the cheerful Dellong, the baffle, and the bummer. Don't act like that. Later if I succeed, I will return to Indonesia, hugging you to break the longing savings that will surely accumulate."

The phone connection was cut off. I threw my body in the bed. Stare blankly at the ceiling of the room and fall asleep in a nightmare.

***

"Cil, let's get up, it's 10." Mother patted my arm.

I then opened my eyes, looking at my mother without making a sound. It's the fifth day since Mr. Romi decided to write my name in the record of permission for recovery.

"Let's have breakfast, Cil. Mother has cooked your favorite food." I woke up from my sleep, walking to the dinner table.

My activity after eating is just watching TV until lunch time, then watching TV again until dinner time and then back to the room. Just that, really a boring day that was repeated over and over again for these past 5 days.

I grabbed the camera that was on the shelf next to my study table. I started to look at the pictures that were there. Some photos of the father who looks so beribihirah, photos of the mother who always put it down, photos of Devan who laughs happily and also photos of me who is so happy.

I found a video I shot in the kitchen with my dad. Dad and I look so happy. I began to feel that the happiness in this house was diminishing because of my nature

I put the camera down, walked staring out the window. I started to think that with myself like this I could change the fact that Devan was no longer by my side. But isn't Devan still in my heart and mind. Devan himself told me to stay up, so why am I still in this state?

***

On the sixth day, I began to speak to my father and mother, trying to be a chatty Adel Pricilia even with my voice still sounding sad. I saw the face of the father sparkling and the face of the mother who shed tears of tears.

***

Day seven, it felt like my body was starting to stiffen. I had to go back to Pricilia Adel who was a lot of whims at home, who was like he had no tired to move.

***

Day eight, when I have to go back to school.

"Good morning, Father, Mother," I said excitedly and kissed the cheeks of father and Mother.

"Cil?" said father and mother with a face of astonishment.

"What's wrong? Let's have breakfast, that's why we're going to school, dad."

After eating, my father took me to school. I shook my hand, got out of the car and waved my hand as I drove forward.

I walk with his spirit. Today's physics course. I listened, feeling myself back to how I was. I became more active in class.

The break bell rang, I was busy doing the physics assignment I just gave you.

"Adel?" The call made me turn my head, looking at Brother Rega who was grinning.

"What's up, brother?" my answer.

Brother Rega then approached me and sat propping up his chin in front of me and looked at me with a smile

"Sister? Why is he looking at me like that?" I laughed a little while holding one eyebrow.

"My girlfriend is beautiful."

"So, Brother? very nice change." I don't know, but the flutter made me smile so shyly that it took my eyes off her.

"What to do? Want me to help you?" bargained for.

"Thank you, brother for the offer. I'll try to do it myself."

"Sip, Honey. Going to the cafeteria?"

"Come, honey," I said slowly and then stood up from my chair.

"Wait, wait. What did you say?" Brother Rega held my arm, looking at me with an introverted look but with a faint smile.

"I didn't say anything, brother," I said plainly.

"There was. I don't think I heard wrong."

"Nothing, brother," my dear. "Come to the cafeteria, brother. My stomach had sounded from earlier and it seemed like it was coming in, "persuade me after seeing the clock on my wrist.

I clearly knew that Brother Rega heard my voice, only he wanted to tease me and tell me to repeat it. It was fortunate that Kak Rega nodded and did not demand me again to mention that word.

I realize, not forever I have to mourn my sadness because Devan lives. I shouldn't have acted like this. Life goes on no matter what happens to us. But I will always keep Devan in my heart until Devan comes and breaks that longing savings.

I'll always be waiting for you, Devan.