Trapped In Ambiguity

Ladle

"Have you read my book?" I asked while watching Devan who was busy parking his motorbike.

"Five more sheets, Long. I'll give it back" Devan replied without looking at me, he was still busy with his bike. Is it that hard to park the motor?

"Let's go," he asked when the business of parking his bike was finished.

"You really almost spent it in one night?" I was enthusiastic and also amazed. My book record is three days, but her?I admit that he is a genius.

"You don't believe it? Want me to spoiler the book?" tanyanya then walked towards the classroom while embracing me. Oh, I think my cheeks are flushed, it's usually normal when he hugs me yesterday, but this time it feels completely different. Really am.

That morning the school was still empty. There were only a few students who were seen sitting in front of the class waiting for another friend, perhaps, or even enjoying the cool morning air. Unlike Mr. Romi who was busy patrolling here and there, I don't know what was in his car this early in the morning.

"Eh, you two, Devan, Adel." Mr. Romi's heavy voice stopped our steps. He stands boldly before us now. "This is a school, not a place where people date, just hoe," he said.

"Yes, sir. We're not dating, this Adel I've taken for granted like my real sister. You see how sweet my sister is?" Devan pinched my cheek slowly. "Uh, the anxiety.” I tried to let Devan's hand go. “Don't blame sir for hugging his own sister? But the growth of the father scolds, usually very bodo, or maybe the father is jealous? Want me to embrace it too?" seductive Devan blinks one eye.

"You're always looking for trouble with me. Want me to law on the court, embrace the basketball pole? Ha?"

"My hands are even, sir to embrace the basketball pole, because his legs are four"

"Devan, to BK now!" It seems Mr. Romi is starting to get emotional.

"Let's run, Del." Devan pulled me up, ran, so I jolted in shock and luckily my reflexes worked well. I painstakingly aligned my steps with him. Not caring about Mr. Romi who from earlier started shouting while babbling from a distance. I am happy to say that Mr. Romi is old, so he is unable to catch up with us.

I complained to Devan as we arrived in front of my class while trying to catch my breath. The mistake that pulled me was forced. I almost fell for him.

"Dellong, break time later, you go to my class, yes," he said then passed.

I went to class, took a history lesson. Three hours for me it was going so slow. When the bell rang and Mr. Pandi was out of class, I immediately went to Devan's class.

"Where's Devan?" I asked Wildan, my former classmate who is currently Devan's classmate.

"Oh, find Devan?" the question I answered with a nod. "Not in class, most of all in the cafeteria playing with girls," she judges. I don't know what problem Devan has with Wildan, but it's obvious that Wildan's face hates Devan so much.

"Dellong?" Devan's voice made me turn towards him coming from my left.

"People have good names called Dellong" Wildan said, then walked away from us.

"What's wrong with her?" I was curious about the whispers.

"He doesn't like me being around you because he likes you" Devan replied flatly.

I nodded in understanding. “EH??!!! I LIKE A." Devan suddenly closed my mouth, not letting me continue with my words. He then placed the index finger of his right hand on his lips, hinting for me to be quiet. After I nodded, he just took off his left hand.

"Your hands stink." I rolled my eyeballs.

"Sorry, that was done with boker."

"WHAT???!! OHHHHH, DEVAAAA."

"Sorry." She only smiled wryly while I was busy cleaning my mouth with a tissue that was never absent from my skirt pocket. "Oh yeah, your book was borrowed from Yolanda." He looked at me with his special smile. Two consecutive mistakes. Never mind, I have to take a deep breath and take it out slowly.

"Devan, I don't want to know. The book must be returned to me today." I folded my hands in front of my chest indicating that I was having a snack right now.

It wasn't stingy, but Yolanda never returned my book, no matter how often I asked for it. The reason is always the same, even the sentence 'tomorrow. I forgot to bring it's familiar to my ears. I'm tired of hearing that word from Yolanda. There are already four books in his hand, plus the book that Devan picked up yesterday, a book given by Dad that I have never read.

Devan then walks away from me, I hope he goes to pick up the book. But as far as I know Devan, I'm sure he won't do that. Oh, my book, which I will miss, I will miss you so much even though I have never read you.

×××

"Devan," I shouted. I'm not sure he'll hear it. The noise of the surrounding vehicles and also the roar of the motor combined in a commotion that surpassed the frequency of human voices while on the motor, as it is today. Ok, I started learning to string words even though it was unclear.

"What?" reply while shouting.

"Stop the garden."

"What?"

Devan then parked his motorcycle in a park located in the city center. During the day, the park is still crowded. I walked towards the park bench that was still empty under the shade of the tree while observing the activities that took place around me.

"What are you doing here?" Devan suddenly sat down beside me, facing me with one of his legs folded over the bench.

"Pengen aja," lirihku slowly.

"Hi, do you look so sad? Do you have a problem? Or are you mad at me for what happened? I'm sorry," Devan held her ear, she seemed to be really sorry about the incident.

I let out a rough sigh, clashing with my brain to string out the right words for now. My brain felt it was going to be a mistake, but my heart was the opposite.

"Long, why are you daydreaming?" she asked with her curious face, waiting for an answer. I saw from the tail of my eyes, she stared at me intensely

"I don't know." I began to breathe deeply, trying to relax my mind. "You are innocent, after all this is not a problem because of the incident earlier.” I paused for a moment, exhaling slowly again. "There's something wrong with my heart, Van."

Devan improved his sitting position, tried seriously to listen, tried to understand me. The focus is really on me now. Huaaa, this makes me so nervous.

"I like you" I said, bowed, not daring to look him in the eye.

Beyond my expectations, Devan instead held back his laughter which a few seconds later came off. "What's? You likeme? That's natural, you're my best friend, how can you be my best friend if you don't like me, right?" chortled.

"No." I looked into his eyes and grabbed his hand, grasping it so tightly. "That's not what I mean. I like you like women in general, not as friends. I love you, Devan," I said without a pause that managed to make Devan's facial expression change drastically. Slowly, my hand began to take off that grip.

Devan was silent for a few seconds, like trying to digest what I said. He looked away from me, thinking. His eyes looked straight ahead.

"Sorry, Del. I can't ruin a friendship that has been established for more than ten years with a bond called courtship. Because in the end, there will only be two possibilities that will happen, breaking up for marriage or breaking up that will create distance." Devan stared straight into my bead. His words paused for a moment, sipped his breath slowly then grabbed back my hand . "Pricilia, I never want any distance between us. I never wanted to lose you. Really." Devan rested my head on his shoulders and gently rubbed my hair.

I cried, my tears spilled over Devan's shoulders. I just saw Devan this mature when my heart was fragile. I don't care about the people in the park watching us. I just want to cry. Is this how it feels to be rejected?

"I want to go home" I said.

"I'll drive you."

"I'll take a cab home."

"But, Del?"

I stood up, walked quickly to the side of the highway and stopped a taxi. I turned to look at the sky that was starting to turn gray. It seems like the sky feels the same as what I feel right now.

"Library."

Tears never stopped flowing over my cheeks as hard as I tried to stop them. Tears always have a way to get down on your cheeks.

"We have arrived,” said the driver who broke my daydream.

I just nodded, paid for it, and walked into the library. The drizzle began to wet the city, hitting my hair that somehow since when it decomposed, I didn't even care where my hair tie was now.

This library is so quiet. I then took the origin of a book that reached by my hand without reading the title. Heavily I set my feet toward the library table by the window, the window that showed the activity of the city. The rain began to fall heavily, pounding the ground and creating a melody that should make me feel calm.

My mind went back to remembering the incident, thinking that my heart was wrong. My brain is right. A mistake when expressing feelings to your own best friend - may only apply to some people.

I wonder why I should do it. Why can't I hold myself back? I don't even fully know yet whether I really love Devan or this is just an ordinary feeling that I magnify with the word ‘love’.

Every now and then I let out a rough sigh, re-observing every raindrop that landed on the ground and creating a splash of water. The windows are starting to dew. I looked back at the book I had taken. Just staring, still leaving it on the table, not open, untouchable not even I had the intention to read it at all.

Where are you, Cil?

The message from the father was only I replied with the word 'Library’. My heart is really fucked. I really want to rest. It's very hard for me to be at peace with my heart right now. Everything changed because of my fault.

I'm sorry for that mistake