Suicide Notes
Muffled Black Goat Voice
“I am a scapegoat. It's my destiny to always be the wrong person. There can be no denial. Can't defend yourself. Free. All futile. No one will believe or care.”
...~•~...
Ian and Elijah are twin girls and boys. Being born and growing together made them inseparable. They can understand each other, even if only through the eyes. Twins often have that instinct, right?
Being used to sharing makes them think the presence of a sister again will be very fun and the three of them will love each other. Unfortunately, reality was far different from their expectations. The adults turned out to be paying more attention to the newcomer.
Normally, what Ian got, Elijah would get it too. However, when the little baby gets something, they are forgotten. The twins looked at each other, there was the same anger in their hearts.
Jealousy that not even their parents realized was growing uncontrollably. They start doing bad things and accuse their sister of being the guilty one.
Seeing the little brother just scolded when at home just started to make them bored. The child who takes all that attention should be hated in school as well. On street. Wherever he is.
Ian and Elijah's hopes were granted. Their little sister is hated, ostracized and even bullied at school. Their actions become more so, to make the sister drop out of school.
So, what did Ray do, as a sister? There aren't. More precisely, there was nothing else he could do.
At first, he always defended himself by telling the truth. Ian and Elijah slandered him. But no one believes.
The more Ray defends himself, the more he is blamed. He's tired. Just let them get angry, Ray won't say anything more to defend himself. He promised to never speak again.
“Therefore you mute?” Victor responded to the potluck.
Ray nodded. His throat was itching because this was the first time he spoke again with someone else.
“Eat and drink. Your face is pale.” Victor added more food to his plate.
“Didn't silence just make things worse?” insist Tama. “What is it that you want to kill yourself?”
“What's the deal with you?” Victor's eyebrows swooped sharply. He was still upset by Tama's previous attitude. The girl was quoting nonsense about life from various sources, as if she knew everything.
“I think you're right.” Ray plays his fingers under the table, as if describing the struggle between his heart and mind. “You're right. Things got worse after I mute.”
“At first, I was the scapegoat of all Ian and Elijah's faults. After mutely, I became the scapegoat for everyone's mistakes. Friends, teachers, school administrators, co-workers, everything. Whatever bad thing happens instantly will be my fault.”
Ray smiled bitterly as he recalled all the events that had happened to him.
“I was young then. When I realized that my silence was making things worse, it was too late. His circumstances make it impossible for me to speak again.”
Ray raised his head, looking at Victor and Tama in turn. He forced the corner of his lips to smile. However, it was pain and tragedy that loomed on his face. The pain from the past had completely destroyed him.
“I'm used to being hit until my body goes numb. I'm used to being yelled at and scolded, it feels like I'm going to be deaf to it.”
Victor put away the plate. The taste is gone unnoticed. “Typical.” Victor parroted. “Then you must be strong enough to survive in that situation, right?”
“Until yesterday, I still can. But today I regret confidently telling myself that I can survive. I'm sorry to have raised high hopes that tomorrow will be better.”
Victor immediately helps Ray to drink a glass of water. Her lips were tightly clenched with no expression, but believe me, her heart was deeply touched by Ray's life.
“Do not continue if you do not want to faint,” said Victor flat.
“You're a man.” Ray held Victor's arm. “Do you think I'm beautiful like a woman? Did I raise your bravery?”
Victor looked at Ray's face intently. Only the mouth and tip of the nose can be seen clearly, while the eyes are closed behind Ray's long bangs.
“No,” honest Victor. He was not interested in anything that smelled like that. More precisely, other than dying, nothing caught his attention.
“Of course! Therefore no one believes that depraved man harassed me!” snapped Ray. The long-silent young man released all his anger in one shout. "Which man would harass another man who doesn't even look attractive?"
“If I am not weak, it will not happen! If I ... if I don't make myself mute, they won't think that I'm the one who teased that shameless guy.”
“Then, you will remain mute until the end of your life?”
Ray was silent. The tears that kept crammed out made him go back in silence. There's nothing else he can do now. Wouldn't dying be the best option? There will be no more suffering that he feels.
“This is my business card.” Victor put a small piece of paper on the table. “If there is anything you want, just find me. Whether you want to die or live, whatever it is.”
After putting down a few pieces of paper money, Victor left. He glanced at the old man who owned the restaurant for a moment. Lucky she's deaf. If not, maybe he'll interrupt their conversation.
“What's no problem leaving Ray alone?” tanya Tama, following Victor's steps.
Victor continued in his footsteps as if he had heard nothing. If left unchecked, Tama will definitely go away by itself. Might?
“You're sure he'll be fine if left alone? He won't try to kill himself again, will he?” Tama clarified the question.
“If you care, why not accompany him? What's following me for?” expel Victor.
“But you will pamongku, of course I will follow your actions.”
“Ya?” Victor stopped his steps. He looked at the foreign girl from top to bottom intently. He doesn't know her at all. “You must be wrong person.”
"Stop for a while" said Tama with a breath of sting due to following Victor's long and fast steps. “So I was too focused on Ray, so I didn't recognize you right away. But I'm sure, you are indeed Victor.”
“I don't have time to serve people like you. Just disturb others." Victor shook his hand.
“I'm serious. This morning Ms. Ginette has already approved of you who will be my pamong. Shouldn't you follow the foundation's direction?”
Victor chuckles. “You are very confident when you bring the name Ginette. You think I'd be scared just because he's the chairman of the foundation?” ridicule Victor. He cut the distance between his face and Tama's.
...~•~...
