Suicide Notes

The Clown Losing His Smile

“*Social butterfly. They called me that because I was like a clown mingling and entertaining everyone. Spreading smile. But the mask is still a mask. After all these years, I can't keep it anymore*.”

...~•~...

Tama's views were blurry due to the circles he could not control. “You slept with all this? With a desire to kill yourself?”

What was the girl thinking when Victor said he let Elayne kill himself? Why is he even talking about something else? What happened to his outstretched hand? No. gabe. Victor won't let Tama hold him.

“This man you love has let you down.” Victor looked up, revealing his empty eyes. He knew there was Tama there, but all he saw was nothing. “What do you think of my true self?”

Victor suddenly grinned. Really, now he looks more horrible than when he was angry. His face was as pale as a corpse. Forcing Tama to hold her breath.

“Ka-you are not well.” Tama convinced himself. “You better rest a lot.”

“Gut,” hiss Victor. “You know and hear many things, but still pretend not to know. For what? Fighting for a man who never acknowledged your existence? Because I cleared your brother's good name? Stupid once.”

Many things happened almost simultaneously in Victor's life. His thoughts were too chaotic to think about all of them one by one. Therefore he said unnecessary things, without being able to control.

“Adriana ... she is very moral and takes care of herself.” Victor traced Tama's body from top to bottom with his eyes. “And here, his sister is being shameless. Keep clinging to foreign men, even in and out of the man's house as he pleases.”

Tama's heart seemed to be pierced by thousands of thorns. He should be angry and defensive. Victor's words deserve a hard slap. He had been humbled directly, but why couldn't he say anything?

“Rest,” said Tama, then left Victor alone.

Victor sat down not caring. The entire conversation with Elayne resounded in Victor's mind. Every word, every pause, and every change to the woman's facial line. It spins over and over like a broken tape.

What does it mean to live? Victor had questioned that as well. Complete with almost the same thoughts as Elayne. Life is meaningless, because in the end we will die.

Victor gasp. He managed to recall how the first time a suicidal desire had appeared in his heart and mind. Memory that disappeared for nothing. About a typical day in someone else's life, but not for Victor. The day his life changed drastically.

Victor pulled his hair hard. His brain cells are actively working, displaying pieces of past events. What considering ever this painful? Maybe Victor should just forget about it.

Victor's left chest began to suffer from excruciating pain. His heart beats faster every second. What is this feeling? Afraid? Worried? Worrying? I don't know. Victor dazed.

Victor's breath is getting crowded. He weakened, no longer able to support his own body. The closet that became the only hope for him to lean actually fell. Damnit. Why do bad things come together?

Neither the feeling nor Victor's body was numb. The broken glass bottles hurt his skin. The poison that was previously inside soaked the wound. However, Victor would not care.

Between conscious and unconscious, Victor sees his suicide note lying on the floor. A small book with a dark green cover. Victor wrote about his desire to kill himself.

"The next page you're going to read is the reason I killed myself. Even though I am writing this I still do not know the reason, I hope whatever the reason is you will not condemn it."

Victor stopped reading right in the last paragraph he wrote. Three years ago, he was confused, not knowing how to continue that record. He did not understand why he wanted to kill himself. Today, Victor has revealed the mystery.

“Should I finish it now?” Victor laughed to himself.

Victor feels silly, but still takes a pen and writes an advanced suicide note. Even so, he knew that what he was doing right now was useless. Nothing's gonna change.

Victor wrote without needing to think, and he was satisfied with the result. That's how he felt all along. Not wanting to live.

Victor glanced at the window that was reflecting him. Not handsome at all. Instead, it looked grim without the spirit of life. He slapped and pulled his cheek hard. Why is his expression so flat? He usually smiles.

Victor was sure, the happy mask that he had been wearing had been fused with the skin of his face. Usually, he can always smile even if his heart does not feel happy. He practiced laughing even though he didn't feel funny.

“Colah. Smile,” forcibly Victor.

Free. Although his face was reddened from being repeatedly slapped, nothing had changed. His mask had been shattered, revealing Victor's true figure. Victor is without feeling.

“This clown can no longer pretend to smile anymore,” inner Victor. “I've held back too long with all this.”

If Victor doesn't remember wrongly, it all starts with a love story he's heard. A story of feelings that Victor will never acknowledge. He can close the eyes of those involved.

The couple 17-18 years old in this story is being enveloped in a burning love. They force it to unite in marriage. But marriage is strictly forbidden by everyone.

There is nothing wrong with their relationship. A pair of women and men from good families. Behave well. The problem was, they had not even taken the final exam for their graduation.

Ja. They're still in the third grade of high school. Which family will allow their immature child to marry? The couple misunderstood their family.

Love shows her magic. Blinding and deceiving. Love takes away the couple's common sense. To fulfill their desire to get married. The man even tried hard to impregnate the woman.

Victory. Meaning victory. That's where Victor's name comes from. As a symbol of his parents' victory over love. His existence made the marriage was held, even if only in a simple way.

The men get a job to support their small family. The salary is not big, but it is enough. Time passed, and the day changed. The early months of their happy marriage should have reached their breaking point when Victor's birthday arrived.

Unfortunately, nothing went as expected. No one welcomed Victor's birth. Their families had broken up, and the man was busy working. There are a lot of bills to pay.

Not having anyone by her side really made the woman half crazy. After all, he is not an adult. Taking care of a baby that feels more like a sister is not something she can do alone.

Without anyone realizing, the woman experienced postpartum depression—a depressive disorder experienced by women after giving birth. Bad condition. In an instant, a happy marriage turned into hell. Victor's mother, who needed attention, began to fight frequently with her husband.

Victor's fate is more unfortunate. It becomes a place for the release of all the inner pressure of the mother. Getting an oath when you do not understand anything. Physical violence that risked his life several times.

With a little miracle, Victor was able to survive. The problem is, until the age of kindergarten, Victor still can not speak well. Every time he opened his mouth, only harsh words could be spoken.

Luckily, Victor was a smart boy. In a short period of time, he was able to learn a lot of vocabulary. Interacting with humans other than their parents helps a lot in this regard.

When he was able to read the writing, Victor found there was much more vocabulary in the book. Like magic, when he focused on reading the books, Victor no longer heard the swearing his mother made. That's why Victor borrowed more books to read.

From fairy tales to thick books with heavy topics. Victor borrowed it at random. I wish there was more peace in his life. No sounds of quarrels, no sounds of swearing.

...~•~...