Suicide Notes

It is His Destiny to Die

“Maybe it's time I faced my destiny to die. All this humanity's game is no fun."

...~•~...

In his illusion of tranquility, Victor grows. Only, there was no love in him. Never having love made him unable to love anyone. Including his parents.

After all those events, was Victor's current reaction strange? When he ignored the Mother who was making a knot rope hanger. Blame it if his expression didn't change things a little? He was not surprised or surprised.

“At last, you chose to die,” waned Victor.

“Do not stop me.”

“No will,” firmly Victor.

“You must hate me so much.” Victor's mother smiled sadly, then hung herself. “Of course. I didn't educate you well.”

“You never even educated me.” Victor waited until his mother stopped squirming. Her tiny fingers turned the pages of the book, then continued reading. “But I don't hate you.”

Victor spoke as he was. Although she was not saddened by the death of her mother in plain sight, she was not happy either. Victor doesn't care about the woman at all. So, let it go.

The surrounding community tends to pity Victor. The boy read the book in front of his mother who committed suicide, without understanding anything. Had he known what had happened, perhaps the boy would have cried uncontrollably.

However, pretentious adults know it is wrong. Victor knew exactly what his mother was doing. The woman committed suicide. From the books he read, Victor understood the meaning of the word.

Victor knows more than his peers. Even so, he still chose silence. There was not the slightest intention to prevent his mother's actions. Victor purposely let it go.

“Useless! If I knew it would be like this, I would definitely not give birth to you.”

Almost every day Victor heard that phrase from his mother. That's why, he started acting like a useless child, never existed. A child that doesn't exist, can't possibly save his mother, right?

Such was Victor's form of rebellion to his parents, doing bad things they said. It's useless, it can't be set, it doesn't listen. Victor did it because the husband and wife always yelled at him.

In one of the books Victor had read, "Evil must be avenged with good." Some say, if you are humbled, you must fight to prove you are not inferior.

There are many such motivations, but Victor will not follow them. Make what? What luck? Doing good things that benefit them. It will only make them happy.

“It's exhausting.” That's what Victor thought. The boy had never been interested in hearing people's opinions of him. Even his biological parents hated him, what could be expected of others?

It's just that Victor is basically human. Want to be recognized and loved. The corner of his heart wished the father to think about his feelings. He wanted the blow the man threw to turn into a hug.

On his tenth birthday, Victor hopes to get the treatment as his first birthday present. Can he test his father's love for him? This time only.

Victor wanted to know, if he disappeared, would his father look for him in a panic? It was impossible for that man to not care. Victor will prove it. The father's shadow worries him, making Victor too excited to end up in the middle of the forest.

“I can definitely go out and congratulations.”

Victor spread his gaze boldly. There was not the slightest fear in his mind. On second thought, sensitive emotions such as happiness, sadness, anger and loss never bother him.

“Then, why should I save myself?”

Victor stared at his short legs. It made no difference whether he returned home, or got lost in an unknown place. He is neither happy nor sad. Feels hollow. He never really wanted anything. Just want to stay alive.

“At this time you may not understand, but I hope, you will not hate your mother.”

For some reason, at a time like this Victor actually remembered the words of the old grandfather in his village. A sentence intended to comfort her when her mother died.

“Don't hate him because he's not by your side. Death is something that all humans face. Me and you, we all will die in time. And the time for your mother has arrived, so-“

Is correct. We are all going to die, so why fight so hard to survive? Nothing can be taken to the next life. And no matter how much we contribute to life, we will still be forgotten. Sooner or later.

“In the end I will still die. There is no harm if the death is accelerated.”

Victor stepped foot closer to the edge of the cliff. However, not even a single step, the leg was stuck in the air.

“Maybe I just feel hollow?”

Victor clenched his fists. He has never been loved, not learned to love including loving yourself. Maybe that's why I think life is meaningless.

That afternoon Victor made a big decision. He's gonna try to reorganize his life. Having some feelings will definitely make his life meaningful. At least he wouldn't die silly from suicide.

After making it out of the woods, Victor does not return to his home. Forget the useless man's affection. There will be no change if Victor stays with him. So, he's looking for an orphanage.

“I'll be nice, can I stay here?”

Victor wants to learn to love each other. He wanted to feel like a character in the novel he was reading. Although at first he seemed to lie to himself with his fake smile, Victor was sure the pretense would blend in with his real self.

Unfortunately, no mask can be fitted for 24 hours a day. While alone, or when nothing is done, the thought again disturbs Victor. The thought of ending his life. But slowly he forgot his reason.

Today, Victor had remembered everything. What reason is he looking for. When and how it all started. Why it ends here. Victor remembered every detail.

Victor can make sure that it is not the injustice of the parents, nor the mother who hanged herself that made her want to end her life. Not at all. He just ...

“Like Elayne, I realize the futility of life. Or rather, we no longer have a passion for life.”

Victor breathed out slowly. It turned out that such was the thought he kept deep in his subconscious. Like a Pandora's box that is curious, and brings regret once it opens it.

Victor carved a long smile with his eyes closed. It feels like just yesterday, it turns out that it has been 19 years since he found this place. The trees grew, but the view from the cliff was still the same. Air too. Laut.

Victor instantly opened his eyes as Tama's face flashed across his mind. The harsh words he said. Victor admitted, it's all overkill.

“Those thoughts got me out of control,” inner Victor. “He didn't do anything wrong, and I made him hurt. I must apologize, at least as our farewell.”

Victor regretted not bringing his phone. Should he go back home? He also needed to write a letter to the foundation. How are they gonna take care of Griff's case? How will they organize the foundation?

What about Ray? Did he really kill himself when the sun went down? Should Victor have someone check?

Victor covered his face with a palm. Trying to hide the amused laughter that almost escaped his mouth. At a time like this, what's the point of thinking about that?

“If this continues, I may not kill myself again,” muttered Victor.

Stop thinking about what you will leave behind. The foundation, Tama, Griff and Ray will have no effect on Victor dying any minute. They'll only make Victor doubtful.

Victor took off the jacket he always wore. He stroked the semicolon image displayed on the back of the jacket. Barring the meaning of the emblem.

Semicolon. When a person can stop and give up his life; but he chooses to continue with his life. In the past, Victor chose to survive because he wanted to try to feel normal life.

Not this time anymore. Victor didn't want to try anything. Victor's decision is unanimous. He chose to end it all.

Good bye life.

I'mfree.

...T.A.B.A.T...