Should We Get Married?

Let Me Be Alone

"Tomorrow morning I will go" I said.

"Where?" ask Juan.

"Let's know, the obvious goes far, which you don't know. I want to start a new life in peace. I'm tired of all this."

"Don't go Yu. Im sorry. If my presence has made you uncomfortable, I will leave, I will not show you any more faces until you want it." he turned around, but then turned to face me again.. "Oh yes, I'm sorry. Know you can't apologize yet, but I hope one day I'll get it. May you be happy always, Yu. I'll also guarantee Bagas won't be here again, he won't say anything to your family." Juan is really gone. He is now moving further and further away from me until he is completely out of my sight.

Nyuts. Nyuts. Nyuts. Something from within this stomach suddenly throbbed violently. He seemed to signal that he was not willing if Juan really left.

"No, no. This is not all true!" I reaffirmed to myself that there is no regret if Juan really leaves me. Isn't that what I wanted all along. But why does it feel like there is something empty in this heart?

Tests. One drop of tears dripped from this eye, shortly followed by another drop. I feel sad, I don't know what the cause is. I'm scared, really scared. But I was also even more afraid to admit what I was feeling.

***

It's been a week. Neither Juan nor Bagas really appeared before me. Not that I am happy, but my heart is empty. There's something I miss, but I don't want to find out what this heart wants.

"Look, there is so much food and fruit to be given." the voice of Brother Rani broke my daydream. He showed me a basket of ripe fruits. "Yes, do you want anything? Say, later Ju ... Uh I mean,"

"Sister, tomorrow morning I want to go out for a while. I want to find a job." I said.

"job? You're not wrong, Yu?"

"So, I have to have a job because now my life has no one to bear, let alone I have to prepare funds for the birth." I said. Actually I already have the money that Dad gave me for the cost of survival and childbirth until my son was born, but I realized that this time I need a job so I have busy and no longer think of anyone.

"What do you want to do, Yu? It's not that you're just a high school graduate. Usually if the High School graduates are factory workers. Being pregnant is not acceptable."

"I'll try it first, brother. Maybe there is sustenance. Besides I have the ability in the field of computers, maybe this could be a plus."

Brother Rani can no longer block my already unanimous resolve. I also told him not to tell Juan about my plan. Until now Juan is still in touch with Rani, so I am determined to immediately find a job and move from Rani. How can I be calm if the shadows are still in my life.

***

[Is there something, Yu?" Message from Tika. So far I haven't told him what happened. [Feeling mom and dad is bad. We're really afraid there's something with you. Yesterday my father contacted Bagas several times, but he answered ogah-ogahan.]

[Hmmm, okay. Yes his name is father, he said he wanted to familiarize himself with his own son-in-law. No problem tho. You are married, wife to husband like normal.]

[Yes, he mbak. But Bagas was busy with his studies, plus he also had to work.]

[Yes anyway. Yes already. Oh yeah, I said I wanted to go to Jakarta. I want to see you, Yu. Kangen.]

[Duhhh, not now mbak.]

[Lho, why?]

I immediately twisted my brain, how to find an excuse without making Tika suspicious. Actually, my relationship with Tika is very close. His feelings for me are usually strong.

[Actually we were both studying at home, ma'am. There's still a lot of difference. That's why we're trying to get close to each other. If father comes now then the time you both will be reduced, especially Bagas also have a busy schedule. Ayu wanted to before the flow between the two of us chemistry was awakened.]

Thank goodness Tika accepted my reasoning. She even supported us to have more time together before I gave birth. Now at least I can breathe a sigh of relief before later I can tell everything to my father, mbak Tika and mas Yuda.

"I must be able to achieve the dream we once made to treat father's disappointment later. I had to fight hard to become a medical student!" My resolve is complete, I will fight for it.

***

As said by Rani, it is difficult to get a job in a pregnant condition. But I didn't give up, I had to have a lot of money to enroll in college next year, so now I accept a job offer as a manual laborer in a big restaurant. A job that certainly only relies on energy because here my degree really does not sell well.

"We do not tolerate you being pregnant or not because from the beginning we have said that this is physical work, you must be professional. If you can't, then please resign. There are still many people waiting to replace you!" Cici Cici owns this restaurant.

It's tough, but it's a challenge I have to run. Besides, I have to survive and be strong so that I can survive in this capital city.

"Dad, mas Yuda, mbak Tika. Sorry Ayu for lying. Now Ayu had no choice but to try on her own. Ayu can't tell you everything yet because ayu doesn't want to add to your burden." Back the tears came out. I really feel claustrophobic. I thought my marriage and Bagas's was the end of my suffering, but it turned out that he was taking you into even more serious trouble. Once there was still a father, mas Yuda and mbak Tika where I leaned, now I have to rely on myself.

"Heh, the witch hunt. Don't daydream. You think you can relax here. If most daydream to run out of the clean plate!" the kitchen head snapped to the surprise of me. He gave me a pile of dirty dishes again. Looking at it I can only take a long breath.

"Don't give up Ayu, don't give up. You must be strong for the white coat that you and your family dream of!" I said, encourage yourself.