PREDESTINATION

dilemmas

I decided to be honest with Dika about my current situation. I no longer want to hide my current situation to Dika. I just want to see her sincerity in me. If he really loves me, obviously he can accept me for who I am, nothing.

"I'm no longer holy, you better find a good girl than me. Come back with her. I'm sorry I was among you" I said.

I'm sure there, Dika was shocked to death to hear my honesty. I also don't know why I had to tell Dika my own disgrace which was clearly not necessarily my husband. But I just want people who are close to me to know the truth early like this. Whatever the decision I will accept. I am not worthy of defense.

"I will not forbid you to leave me. I know who I am and how I am now. I'm not a person you deserve to defend because that's coming back with him" I said in a short message.

I waited a long time for a reply from Dika, but there was no reply from him.

"Maybe he can't accept me under these circumstances. Which man will be like the rest of the people" My inner.

"Yes on deck, let's go home. There's no use for him anymore we're here. The day is also getting late" said I invite the cousin's sister to go home.

"OK my brother"

***

"Assalamualaikum" said my greetings as I entered the house. I threw the book over the chair in the kitchen of my house when I finished putting my bike into the house.

I daydreamed about my current state.This heart again felt empty and this world again felt gloomy. All the colors in my life have gone dark.

For a few times I breathed my stomach. My mind is really mumbling right now. All that could treat my current state was a message from Dika even if it was just one word. But what I waited for never arrived to make myself more agitated especially his lover who came and stayed there.

Suddenly I re-imagined that Dika and his girlfriend and mother Dika were laughing jokingly in the office enjoying their togetherness tonight.

"Allah strengtheneth this heart by facing all the trials which Thou hast given me. If indeed he is not destined for me please open this heart and let him go with a good man for him" My mind prays as it closes my eyes. I don't feel some clear water now running down my cheeks.

Well to me the only remedy for a restless heart right now is to cry. After finishing crying fitting later this heart feels calm and relieved.

"Not change clothes and sleep instead daydream here" reprimanded my mother who wants to go to the bathroom to urinate.

Quickly I wiped away the tears that had run down my cheek so that my mother would not know that I was crying lamenting my poor fate.

"Change, wash your hands, wash your feet, brush your teeth and sleep better than you daydream here" my mother chirped again after coming out of the bathroom.

I let out my heavy breath again. I got up from the chair I was sitting in to the room to take my clothes off and get ready to go to sleep as my mother said.

I slowly spread my body. I lyrics my phone again with the hope that Dika will contact me by giving me a short message. But now my hope is in vain. My heavy breath again.

"Why the hell are you? From that moment on, just keep breathing?" Ask my mother who is lying down to sleep next to me.

"There's nothing buk, just tired" I lied.

Ting...

Suddenly my phone rang a sign of an incoming message. I quickly and expectantly picked up the phone lying next to me.

"Have sleep love? Have a good dream. Tomorrow I want you to tell me all your past events so that none of us is covered" he said to me through a short message.

"Tomorrow the night I pick you up yes" added again by sending you emod love to me.

"OK" I answered with a smile. Only then did the anxiety in the heart disappear. And the color of my gloomy life just now again emitted a rainbow.

I closed my eyes with a calm feeling. I don't think Dika wants to call me anymore. But it turns out I was wrong. Hopefully after everything that happened to me that I will later tell Dika he can still accept me.

***

I rubbed my eyes that still felt heavy because I just woke up.

Toss my phone to see if there are any new messages coming in. But my hope was in vain.

"Ha woke up too, kirain was still snoring. Take a shower later to her office" my mother ranted this morning.

"Yes buk" I answered.

"Wake up to sleep only in his view. Take a quick shower" she said again.

"Still in the morning already in the omelin" My inner. Well that's how my mother is. Most anti-same people who wake up late and also sleep kemaleman. Every morning his chanting greeted me in the morning. But if her voice isn't mine, I'll make sure I miss her.

"Have you woken up? Or is he still slitting? Ah no way she must have woken up because today her mother and her lover were there. They must have built it" My inner self again.

"It's better that I go to the office. Rather than later I'm late" My inner self again picked up my briefcase and went to the office on my motorbike.

***

Back I was busy with notes that I had to input on my laptop and of course while listening to songs to eliminate my mummified mind.

At first glance, Dika and her lover last night in my mind. Of course, it makes me feel lost. What else Dika this morning has not contacted me at all.

Again, I can only breathe heavily.

"Do I have to call her?" My mind was worried again.

"Have your mother and her lover come home?" I asked again in my heart.

I wanted to call Dika this morning. But I abandoned my intentions because of my expression last night. If he really accepts me, he must be the one to contact me right now.

"Dec" Tegur Rika's.

"Yes my brother"

"Well, does anyone want your sister to reach you?" Rika's sister sat beside me.

"What brother?"

"So you're the one who taught him what work to do"

"Oh brother, I am still learning my brother and do not really understand this job"

"Yes later if there is something that you do not understand you can ask your brother and sister to help you are still in this office" said Rika again gave her complete trust in me.

Although this heart feels heavy, but what should I do? Want to not want me to accept it and it has become Rika's decision.

I have to adapt to my new boss. Of course I'm familiar with the Ijon bang. He is still an office employee. He is humorous and also kind. But anyway, I'm sorry for him. He is a man and I am a woman.

***

Dika and I went to the chicken shop where our regular subscription. Tonight we promised to meet and I had to tell myself the truth.

Finish eating you go to Turap which is not far from the port crossing. Dika and I deliberately chose that place because there supports the atmosphere of my current situation because it is not too crowded and can enjoy the sea breeze blowing lightly.

"So how? What did you mean last night?" Her question started our conversation.

Again I let out a heavy sigh to begin the story that broke my heart and was disappointed to remember that painful past.

"I have a dark past. I'm not a good girl to you" I said again starting my story. I also told him about all the events I had at that time that there was something I was hiding.

Dika just gave a facial expression that I could not understand. Whether he believes me or not. What is clear is that I have been honest with him so that there are no lies between our relationships. If later he is my soul mate, later in the first night he does not demand it as if I have been honest with him.

"It's up to you to believe me or not. It is up to you to either accept me or choose to leave. I'm not gonna arrest you. I've been honest with you. That's why I don't want to sue you for breaking up with your girlfriend. I was willing to be second because I was the rest. But that happens when we just go out. If we're married, I don't want to live on honey" I said.

I saw Dika just smiling wryly at me. Like her she can't accept my situation anymore.

"There's nothing you should be proud of from me" I said.

"You know, I've made mistakes, too. I've been with my boyfriend. That's why I can't get away from her. Anyway, I have to take responsibility for what happened to him"

Degs...

I was shocked to hear the words from Dika just now. Well maybe that's because his girlfriend was willing to be cheated on many times with Dika because she was just like me.

I was silent and still shocked to hear Dika say that. I really didn't expect it with his must say.

"If he ever did the same?" My inner.

"That's what we mean the same? But even though he is a man no one knows if he is still a virgin or not. But i'm... " My inner self again.

"Now I'm confused as to how. You already know what the reason is I can't get away from her life. But I don't want you out of my life either"

"If so, you are just like him you are the one who took away his chastity. So yes you should marry her" I said.

"I can't choose between the two of you. I love you both" He said again.

"Let us live this relationship until the fate that determines what it will look like" he added.

I can only agree with what Dika said just now. However, I can't lose that man. I was too pussy on her. He was like a hero to me when I was down and desperate.

"It's late. Let's go home" Take her.

***

"Sister, is Dika with sister?" Ask Fida to call me when I get home.

"Yes deck now he's home" I replied.

"Surely he can't be contacted"

"Daddy, can I ask you a question?"

"What brother?"

"Why do you still survive even though you continue to be hurt?"

Long ago the girl fell silent to give me an answer. And I'm still faithfully waiting for his answer.

"There's something I can't tell you"

"Something fatal? Sister knows all her deck. The defense is to be your husband. I'm just here as his friend and obviously I won't ask you to break up"

"So big sister why do you want to be with Dika?"

"He was present when I was down. He treated my wounds when they were bleeding. Since then, he and I have been close. And to this day. I just enjoy this closeness until the fate that determines who the soul mate" I said.

"Oh yes brother, I am like that too. Oh yeah if there's a call of affection with sister"

"Nothing" I answered briefly. Well of course there is nothing, he called me by the name of love that is not only intended for me. All the girls close to her were called by that name.

"If I had a brother. Kedang called love, kedang called joleh" answered again.

"Oh good that's it. That means he loves you" I said.

"Once on deck. I'm going to sleep" I replied, ending our conversation on the phone.

Well I try to avoid that conversation because the more I dig into anything between Dika and Fida's relationship it will make my heart hurt even more.