LOVE THE SINNER GIRL

REVERT

I went to see my doctor back, told him about Haru's request and my fear. He told me that my personality had changed significantly and all I needed to do was face my fears. Because there is no way to let go but to face it. He said I'm fine. It's just, I doubt myself. He assured me that he would support me and would be there whenever I needed him. So I decided to face my fears. For daughter.

Holding her small hand while standing in front of the door, the door where I stepped almost six years ago, I hesitated to press the doorbell. I'm ready to face their anger, their questions, their hatred. They deserve to feel it.

I want to be able to correct all my mistakes and maybe, start again with the people who want to accept me. I'm the new one. I'm the better one. Swallowing my nervousness, I finally pressed the bell and waited.

...****************...

“Are you so to take us to the playground this afternoon?” Rania asked while holding two-year-old Yujin.

“Iya, you've asked her more than three times,” Lucas said as he handed Rania the bottle he had just made.

“I'm afraid you forgot.”

The doorbell interrupted their conversation. "Huh? Are you expecting someone?" ask Rania. Lucas shook his head. He didn't know anyone was coming to visit. Lucas stood up to open the door.

As soon as the door opened, his smile faded. It was as if he had seen a ghost. He just looked at the woman as if he was trying to recognize her.

"J-jenny?"

Lucas finally said. While Jenny's tears fell, Jenny nodded. "Y-yes. I'm sorry, Lucas."

And Lucas' hand grabbed Jenny's wrist, pulled her and hugged her tightly.

Their eyes were all fixed on Haru while playing with Yujin in the living room area. They were silent for some time now and they did not know how to start a conversation.

Finally, after observing Jenny and Lucas, and realizing that they were still awkward with each other, Rania decided to speak, "How are you Jen? We're so worried about you. We tried to find you but we didn't know where you were. But we're glad you're here now."

Jenny smiled and stared at her finger before making eye contact with Rania. "I'm doing fine. I still go to a therapist once a month. Sorry, it took a long time. There were times when I didn't want to go to a therapist and times when I was so excited. . I waited and made sure I was on the right track before returning. I'm sorry I worried you guys. I can't blame you if you're angry with me."

"Who wouldn't?"

Rania's eyes widened at Lucas's reply. " Buck!"

"No, he should have known. You left us, made us know nothing. Told me not to look for you. How could I possibly do that? There is no sane person who would not look for a missing family member just like that. I couldn't sleep most of the night wondering if you were still alive-"

"That's why I left," Jenny smiled at Lucas. His eyes glazed over as he spoke,

"Please don't misunderstand me. I don't blame anyone. I knew I was wrong, because I refused to get help. I refused to be treated. I refused to admit that there was something wrong with me and all I knew was that it was just a feeling of sadness and anger. That was my lowest point. Those were the times when I felt cooped up in a room with a one-way mirror where everyone was watching me and waiting for my next move. Like I was being watched all the time thinking whether I was going to kill myself again or was going to do something crazy. You're so focused on me, that you forget that you have to focus on your life too. I think it's very selfish of me to let it continue. I wanted to find a doctor myself but I had a paranoid thought that the doctor would just tell me everything we've talked about and I ended up making you all worry. I know you mean well. And I want to apologize because I consider your love and care a suffocating noose. All I want is alone time, for myself.

Back then, all I had in my head was sending her for adoption. It was like committing a crime and hiding evidence. That was very difficult. I want help but I don't want to end up as a burden. I slipped. I thought I was going to die that night. But I survived. Baby survived. So I thought, it told me something. So I went to a place where I'm sure no one knows. To a place where no one knows me. To a place where no one will judge me. To a place where no one paid attention to me, or at least, no one cared what I thought, or what I would do.

I'm sorry. I know you won't understand. I know all my reasons don't make sense. Maybe, selfish, illogical, silly. I know it's not enough, my apologies, my explanation. I don't blame anyone because it's unfair to people who really care about me. But at the same time, I feel guilty because I know, somehow, you guys think I'm not doing my best for me. Well, that's not the problem. You did everything for me but I refuse to admit it. And I'm sorry for that. I left because I was scared. Because I'm sure I'm a burden. That's exactly how I felt during those times.”

Lucas sighed after absorbing what Jenny said. She then stands up and hugs Jenny, kissing her on the forehead as Jenny rests her head on Lucas' shoulder. "I wish I was there to see you healed. But I'm grateful you made it. You're right, maybe we don't understand what you're going through. I thought just being there was enough. I think our love is enough. And I'm sorry if I make you feel like you're suffocating. But I want you to know that I love you and I'm glad you're back. Please Jen, stay with us now."

Jenny smiled at Lucas' words. He was relieved that Lucas said those comforting words to him. Although he knew Lucas would not be angry, he felt at ease hearing it directly from the man who was already like a brother to him.

"It's been almost six years and it's been a long time. We're trying to find you. I'm sorry, but the thought that you took your life again was there the whole time. I'm desperate why I can't do anything but wait. And during the wait, I was worried you'd get rid of the baby."

Jenny's eyes widened in shock. She doesn't know if Lucas knew about her pregnancy. "You... Y-you know?"

Lucas nodded his head. "Rania told me everything when you were in the hospital." Lucas looks back hearing Haru giggling while watching the cartoon with Yujin.

Jenny became more worried. Although she had been worried for a long time, she knew, even though it was too late, returning to the truth was the only way that would give her the peace of mind she longed for. He is now ready to face the consequences, whatever they may be.

"Did you tell Ruby?" Jenny asked, referring to Ruby and without hesitation, because if Ruby knew, she would definitely tell Daniel.

Lucas shakes. Jin closed his eyes. Exhales a sigh of relief.

"I didn't say anything to Ruby. He came to apologize to me, and of course I forgive him, I just want to live quietly without hatred. We became familiar, often meeting just to chat. From there I knew that he, his ex-wife and Daniel were fighting for their son's mental health. I don't want to tell Ruby that you're pregnant with Daniel's child, it's gonna be another problem for them, because they're trying to build a good relationship for their child. And on the other hand, I'm also worried that you actually aborted the baby. So I didn't tell anyone.”

"R-ruby's divorced?"

Lucas breathed. "Jen, they decided to split up after trying to get back together. Ruby says now he and his wife are best friends and have made peace with their past. So I hope, you don't get dissolved in regret."

Jenny nodded, "I'm determined to apologize, I'll meet them. Regarding Daniel .., I think I still have a lot of fear.”

“About what?” Lucas clasped Jenny's nervous-looking hand.

“You know .., Daniel knows how bad I am, he knows how disgusting I am. I'm so ashamed of him. If it's Ruby I feel more guilty and sorry. But when I mentioned Daniel, I was really very embarrassed. I'm afraid she won't meet Haru, I'm so scared,” Jenny almost shed her tears, while expressing her fear.

“Jen ..., there are things you need to know about Daniel. I haven't had the time to tell you, because of your chaotic circumstances back then.”

“A-what is it?” Jenny looked nervous, not knowing if what she was going to hear was good or bad news.