LOVE THE SINNER GIRL

JENNY

The low season and isolation is when caterpillars get their wings. Just like spring. It is a beautiful reminder of the new life and the new beauty ahead. Spring is coming and so is happiness.

Jennies

Sinner. That's my.

Part of me wants to get away from my past. I was hoping to fix it. But my past is shaping up to be who I am today.

People were so quick to judge without fully understanding what I was going through. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder. I had a traumatic experience. The loss of my father, the grief of sexual abuse by my stepfather, the abandonment by my mother, and the discovery of my best friend's secrets.

It's true that I try to find love from others. But my standard of love was always my father's love, which I felt was getting harder. Since I had gotten used to how my father expressed his love and concern for me, I had always misinterpreted the praise of others as love. I think everyone is sincere. But in the end, they will leave me devastated and alone.

When my stepfather abused me and my mother sided with him, I felt ignored and unloved. So, hatred developed in my heart. I feel like there will be no real people for me. To me, when you only appreciate and praise my beauty, you only want something from me. I take compliments as bait. I developed a defense mechanism to kill people. Those extremely paranoid thoughts continued to flow and damaged my thoughts and relationships with others.

People like me are extreme. Extreme hatred. Or extreme worship.

When I found out about Lucas' ordeal, extreme anger developed. My revenge plan is a selfish thought. I was impulsive at the time. I have an unstable mind. I'm too protective of the people I love and who I really am. It was selfish because I never weighed the possible consequences of my actions.

The man I used to be one of my tools of revenge was the same man who fathered my daughter. I wasn't expecting it either. But really, destiny has another way of turning one's suffering into a blessing.

The man who was the object of my revenge was the man I thought I loved the most.  I was blind to my own feelings, even I had intended to kill my baby just because it wasn't his flesh and blood. There, extreme worship grew.

After I became a mother, I used to go to a psychiatrist. I'm not very confident about being a mother, given how bad I am. But from there I could understand, my feelings for Ruby were an obsession, exactly what Daniel told me first.

It was when Lucas forced me to see a doctor. I refused to be treated. I want to think about my feelings. I think I'm brave. I never showed any emotion or weakness. I never admitted that deep down, I was very fragile. I was weak mentally and emotionally. I finally want to end it all.

When Irene came to see me, I never felt worse. When he told me to stay away from their family, I realized that I was destroying one family. It scared me even more to tell my son's father that I was pregnant. I don't want him to feel more burdened. I feel so ashamed of him, he knows how embarrassing I am. He knows my ugliness. He knows how I use my body to achieve what I want, it's so embarrassing.

My emotions are often strong and I can't control them. When I sent a message to keep Ruby from coming that night, it was already devastating to me. And when Daniel sends me messages will go far. I'm afraid of being left out. I don't want to feel alone anymore. And it gave me a deep desire to end my life.

But I'm happy. Baby survived. But I'm so scared. I think someone's talking in my head. How can someone who is emotionally and mentally unstable take care of a child? Too bad that baby belongs to a sinner like me. I don't want the baby to know that her mother is unholy, hopeless, and unloved. And the idea of sending a baby for adoption came to my mind. Perhaps, the baby will find a great parent who will love and care for him. Without knowing who and what kind of father gave birth to her.

Perhaps, her bright nature brought me closer to her. I remember one time, I was a smart and happy little boy. I found myself tied to him. His wisdom always amazed. She was very smart and always left out important words that made me think about life whenever I was alone.

Seeing her with such hope that someday, she would find a great parent to take care of her made me feel uncomfortable with myself. He was so happy to be in a family. Even though her mother left her, she told me she still loved her. Even though she felt bad, she told me that maybe, the next parent would love her completely.

All the children in the orphanage were waiting for the family. A family that will love and care for them. These kids miss a family. And my heart aches at the thought that one day, my son will be one of them. I want and wait for the family that will love him.

I went to Mrs Kim and told her that I wanted to talk to a psychiatrist. I told her I wanted to try and take care of her. The thought of losing my son immediately kept attacking me and I felt I was going back to the old road, where I could not control my emotions. I might think about ending my life again. I began to fear not myself but my son.

When I held my baby for the first time, it was also the first time I felt the love I was missing. That deep emotional attachment and unconditional love felt so new to me I cried. I can't let him go. How could I think of sending him for adoption? Looking at her innocent face, I felt that my heart could not accept it if I was going to throw it away.

I didn't prepare a name for him. So when I was asked, I thought about it for a while and decided to name her Haru. Haru Heba's. Reminders that change can be beautiful. Just like spring, she will add happiness, beauty, hope, and a protective life.

"Good morning mother," When I opened my eyes, I received Haru's sweet smile. He was 5 years old.

I smiled as I sat on my bed and she immediately sat on my lap. "Good morning, dear. Why did you wake up so early?"

He was shaken and embarrassed. "Because I'm going to go to mom's school farewell. Did you forget?” he pouted a little, making it even more funny-looking. I stared at his pure expression. He's very naive. Too good for the cruelty of this world.

“Mothers don't forget darling. Mother just wonder you are so excited once.” I kissed her red cheeks. “Then, let's get ready okay?”

“Oke.” Haru ran quickly to get a towel and went to the bathroom.

My doctor noticed a change in my personality after a routine visit and a year of treatment. But the fear kept coming back. Even though I was sure that people like me could become great parents, my doubts remained. And I'm very honest about my feelings.

I know it's not fair to Haru's father.  I know it. Because I've seen how he fights for the father's right to his own best friend. And now, I'm doing the same thing. Although the situation was not the same, and the intention was not the same, still, I kept my daughter away from her father. I admit my bad decision.

HARU: children born in the spring

HEBA: the blessings of God in the spring