LOVE THE SINNER GIRL

SUICIDAL

Unhappy

Unsad

I'm Empty

...ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ...

23:59

The clock is beating harder than usual. It's deafening. Why does a minute feel like a second? It was so fast that I wanted to stop with my hands.

Too many words in my ears. I'm alone. Why does it feel like people are talking to me? Saying so many negative things I don't want to hear. Because hearing it hurts.

I knew he wouldn't come. I watched how the clock reached midnight. The wind blew my candle. And that empty wine glass fell to the floor and gave my spine goosebumps. My heart was pounding under my chest, I had to grip it. It felt like something bad happened. Or something bad will happen?

I looked out the window. The moon is shining brightly. But it looks inviting. It feels like I'm smiling at me. But after all, the light it gave off was unable to expand the shadow I felt inside. That's hurtful.

I saw the envelope on the table. I was sick and scared every time I saw her. I thought the pain was my friend, but why did it hurt me again?

The wind blows again. Something inside of me wants to feel more than that. Maybe the wind can blow away all the tears and pain. Might?

With the envelope in my hand, I walked out of my apartment building. But someone was waiting for me in the driveway. I knew right away that he was waiting for me. His eyes are hard to read. The anger? To hate? Disappointed?

“I-irene?" I wiped my tears and tried to fix my shirt. He walked over to me, his eyes were on me and I was afraid of what I was going to hear. I couldn't hear more hurtful words, because the pain in my heart was enough.

"Where's my dad?"

My heart beats faster. Ruby is not coming. Why is he looking for her here?

"Stop pretending you're a good person. I know you cheated on me with you. Do you need to destroy me and Leo to take revenge on my father? If my father has hurt your friend, is it fair that you just do what you think is right, use my father and hurt my family ?" Irene was calm but anger was evident in her voice. If there's someone I hope will ask me, it's Ruby.

“I... forgive me..." I wish I had said it clearly because I don't have the strength to speak anymore. No more power to defend yourself. Because I have no right to defend myself. He's right, there's a choice. But I chose to do the wrong thing.

"Leave my own father. Will you?" Irene glared at me before leaving.

Irene, Ruby's favorite child. I know how much Ruby loves her kids. And now, they're more hurt because of me. And hearing from his son immediately made the pain multiply.

I walked over, with my hands clutching my chest as Irene's spoken words continued to echo in my ears. I could see him, Leo, Ketrin, and Ruby getting angry by saying disgusting words. How do I explain to them that I am sorry and I am in pain too? They won't believe me. They're not interested in knowing my truth.

I don't know how long I've been walking but I do know where I'm going. I know exactly where to go. I want to be where I always feel happy and free.

I was in front of my father's grave and smiled. I felt the salty tears. Closing my eyes to release more and to reduce blurring in my eyes. I saw my father as soon as I opened it. He's there he's smiling at me.

"Dad..." I didn't hear my voice but I'm sure I called him. I smile. My father was the only one who loved and understood me. She was the only person who saw my beauty with sincerity and appreciation. There is no hidden motive or meaning. He appreciates what I am capable of. He never questioned my decision. Instead, he guided me to make good and supported me if I failed. Maybe, like now, she'll hug me and stop all the pain.

Placing the envelope in front of my father's grave, I smiled at him. "You're gonna be a grandfather, dad. Did I disappoint you? Sorry I made a mistake. I know you don't like what I do. But I fixed it. I made sure Ruby wouldn't come. I did the right thing, didn't I, Dad? I'm sorry about what I did, but Lucas's the only one I have. I was so angry that he was so busy worrying about me that he didn't care about his own future. I'm sorry dad. I know I made a crazy decision, but karma hit me. I feel like I'm in love with Ruby, but I'm confused. Maybe by now, he's already aware that I'm using it. But dad, I guess after it's all over, I can be with him, because I'm sure he loves me too. But, I made another mistake, I was pregnant not for her. I made a mess again. I'm always looking for love, but only sadness comes to me."

I can't hear my cries anymore. The silence in the graveyard was deafening. The coldness of the night, the light coming from the moon, the branches moving in the wind, were calm and overwhelming.

The silence made me feel my father's arms holding me. I knew he wouldn't be angry with me. Maybe he wants me to go home. Somehow, I felt a hint of happiness that I was looking for for so long. I may not have wings but my father has them. I really want to get it too. Maybe he'll take me to a happy place. To where he went. I want to go there too.

Closing my eyes, I tried to feel the wind. Taking the knife out of my pocket, I smiled. Why does it feel so right? Why am I happy? The emotional pain I felt was unbearable, but the physical pain I felt gave me joy.

"JENNY, NO!"

I heard Lucas's voice far behind me while my hand held tightly to the knife I had scratched over my wrist.

"Drop that. Please, Jen? Just put it on."

Chuckling at Lucas pleading, it made me want to end it all the more. How could someone be so nice to me? I didn't listen to him. He should be mad at me.

Looking back at her, I also saw Rania panicking. Why is he here? I smiled at Lucas as I looked into his pleading eyes, I let out tears and a smile, "I'm sorry."

I heard Rania yelling. Lucas' eyes widened as he looked into my eyes. The knife fell on the grassy ground as Lucas ran towards me. I smile all the time. Garnet colored liquid coloring green grass. That looks good to me.

I saw Lucas take off his tie and wrap it tightly over my wrist. Her hands were shaking and I saw her tears fall. I could hear Rania panting. Maybe, seeing blood gushing.

My eyes are starting to blur. But I tried to open my eyes and see Lucas glaring at me. Eyes glazed. I stared at him blankly. I thought my dad stopped me. Instead, it was my friend. The only one who treats me as family.

"Jen, stay with me, okay? Don't you dare close your eyes. Stay with me." He repeats. His voice was not angry but desperate. I could feel him running, taking me to the car. But the others are dim. I stared at the dark sky, the beauty of the night always fascinated me. It was quiet but beautiful at the same time.

"Jen, stay with me. Okay well? I promise, we're helping you. We're here for you. Everything's gonna be fine. Please, don't close your eyes." I could hear Lucas urging Rania to drive quickly. But I feel like I'm only dreaming because my head is foggy. I can't feel pain. But I realized my heart was broken. And all the emotions came together, one by one, slowly. My eyes turned to Lucas. It is very difficult to breathe and speak.

"I'm tired" I stammered.

I felt Lucas' arm pull me into his body, he grabbed me. I wanted to cry but I didn't have the strength to do it. I was tired emotionally and mentally. It drained all the remaining power. My eyes feel heavy. I felt like I was floating in the air. Tastes good.

I felt his embrace getting tighter. I heard a faint shout telling someone to drive faster. And her tears flowed as she looked. Maybe share with my grief.

Feels weird. Although I really wanted to see Ruby, but I also hoped that Daniel would come to my aid like before. It's weird because every time I get confused, I ask for his help. I just wanted to tell her something. I wanted to tell him that he was going to be a father. Again.

But no one came, my love, nor my baby father.

The father of my son will go far.

But I'm glad he did. I'm glad Ruby didn't come for me and Daniel will go far. Somehow, it makes me happy. Perhaps, I made the right decision by no longer meeting them.

All I want is rest. Slowly the eyes closed. Maybe, I can see my father when I open it again.