Dew Heart Traces

The Adult Heart

“Dek, what are you doing?” My phone's shaking. Mas Danial sent a message but I was reluctant to reply to him directly. Not once twice did he also let me wait for a reply from him. I wanted to protest, but my mouth just locked. My happy days with Mas Danial are no longer felt, often I miss the small talk and sometimes trivial jokes from him.

 I assume he's bored and doesn't need me anymore, he doesn't want me anymore. Those thoughts were lingering in my head, not my fault until I thought like that. Danial seemed to be unaware of what I was feeling right now.

I don't know if he's aware of his change in attitude towards me. If that's the case, then why doesn't he just talk to me to stop this relationship. I never asked her to marry me, she I gave her the freedom to let go of my hand.

Many times I told her that, don't show me indifference if you're bored or don't like me anymore, because I won't protest whenever she wants to stop this relationship.

And in the end, all those theories and agreements will never be easy to do. Mas Danial would rather ignore me slowly so that I end up retreating on my own in an orderly manner. Is it easier for a man to do that than he is to be assertive in a relationship? I don't know.

Had I hidden my feelings, I still felt tired of going through this relationship alone. I often curse myself who is very stupid, still survives, but I cannot possibly deny my own commitment to accept this love unconditionally. I want to see to what end our relationship ends as Mas Kent suggested. Let God arrange our ways to part.

“Loving you is the most beautiful gift for my life. I know very well that my life is not perfect, but your presence makes me feel that love is still there for me. Your love is also not perfect love even my tears did not escape participating in our story journey.”

Pilu still accompanies my heart when I love Mas Danial, but I know very well, it is God's most beautiful plan to confirm my heart as a winner in all the fears that haunt my life.

If love does not recognize its lover

Then she's not a lover

If love does not recognize the tears of its beloved

Then he's not a lover

The letters have told me

However, his heart did not move in the least

Let him be himself

Enough twilight to be a witness

I can't be like Aisha

When his eyes became day and night of Muhammad

The Beloved of the Beloved

If my jealousy is no longer meaningful

Like a piece that can only be ignored

Then what can I do?

It can only be an audience that cannot speak

Give my regards to the foam

If I have not the right to love

And I'm still naive with my poor heart..

Danial ignored me more and more, but strangely I loved him more and more. I was so tormented by longing, but again, my conscience forbade me from being selfish let alone hoping because I didn't deserve to ask for more. I can only cry alone in my silence. Am I never worthy of love?

It's possible that Mas Danial didn't notice his change in attitude for me. Maybe for him I'm just a woman who plays his lonely friend when he has problems with his wife. Just an escape.

I tried to understand him, and as my heart weakened, only able to remember the times when the early Mas Danial approached me, the beginning he loved me so much. Every now and then I read our chat on my phone, enough for me to smile happily.

Ahhh .. I don't know in what way I explained my feelings for her. I was blinded by love. Whatever it feels like I still want to last longer.

I am happy that my heart is still there for love, that my heart is still alive for love. Is there no reason to complain? Is there any reason for me to deny His gift? There aren't.

If there's anything I can do to get it out of my heart immediately, then right now, I will. My heart is not mine, my heart is His.

Only He can reverse it. Although I beg with tears as much as the ocean water if He does not allow it, then what can I do?

Tell me how? If any!

And I finally made peace with all the flavors. Because the more I refuse, the greater the love that grows.

“Dek ... how are you?”

WhatsApp message from Mas Danial after a long time he disappeared. I hesitated to answer because my tears kept flowing. So weak is my heart, should I be angry or ignore it as well?

However, I didn't do it because I missed him so much. I don't have the strength to ask why he had so much heart to ignore me all this time?

Am I not valuable to him? Am I just a lover who will never be disappointed if ignored? Is this my heart just a stone that has no longing or disappointment?

There are so many questions in my heart that I cannot say.

“Alhamdulillah well, Mas. How are you?”

“I'm good too, Deck. Next week I'm going to Singapore. There's a project with friends there. Pray for me, yes.”

“Aamiin. Hopefully all smoothly and take care of health, yes.”

“Iya, Deck. Thanks, yes.”

And just like that, Mas Danial seemed to have no idea what I was feeling. That was enough for him as our communication. I don't know when he turned out that way, even though I actually knew he was busy with his big project.

Humans are always changing, even for love. At first I was tormented by the condition of our relationship, probably because I was being affectionate.

Danial also would never know how much I cried to miss him without being able to say. Not because I'm a prestige, but I just want to be unimpressed whining like a kid at him.

Again, God wants me to mature with the scenario He gave me in my life. Even through men I thought I could wipe away my wounds and tears.

The man who in the beginning always made me laugh, the man I was spoiled for and became a full-fledged woman. Where I don't have to pretend anymore to be happy and okay.

The change back again slapped me, that nothing is the same and forever in this world.

Call it I am stupid in love, not deterred by the wounds that once existed so great. Not that I didn't know, but that I had indeed grown up; that I was increasingly understanding the scenario of God's love for me.

When my heart is falling and weak, I teach myself to be sensitive to every message of God. That's how I found myself loving Mas Danial unconditionally no more.

He wants to come, I'll open my arms wide. He wants to leave, so I'll let go. Until God wants me to stop.

Since my love is not a compromise, my love is not a burden, my love is not a feeling that should be accounted for by anyone other than myself.

I'm also pretty sure Mas Danial never had any intention of hurting me, he just didn't know or forgot how to love. It is possible that Mas Danial was also once disappointed with love so he forgot how to love.

However, that is how humans always assume they already love and feel they have done everything. But what has never been learned is how “how to love” so subconsciously he is hurting the person he loves.