Dew Heart Traces

Like Being Reborn

“What will you do to me?” ask me with a trembling voice.

“Is he more powerful than me, huh?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your cheating man!”

My brain was figuring out what he meant but I really didn't know what he was talking about.

“I heard you now have a boyfriend!”

Oh my God, how could he think I had the chance to get into a relationship again while looking at the sun alone I couldn't. I don't know what poisoned her, even though I do have the right to start my life again. I'm a free woman.

I don't have the heart to fall in love again with such an incredible trauma in life. I don't believe love is there for me, I don't deserve love, I don't deserve to be loved or loved. I am no longer worthy of anyone because I am broken and reduced to dust. Debris of the heart can no longer be put together, I am just a body that runs without the spirit.

He tried to take off my clothes, and I could only shed tears so profusely. I'm really helpless, I don't have the strength to say, “Please have a little heart for a body that only remains these bones!” I only caught the glare of his sharp eyes at a glance when his body was already above my frail body.

“Take my life at this time, Lord. So that I would not feel more disgusted with the rest of the body I have today,” whispered to God, asking Him to take my life at this time.

I felt that my body was lighter and it turned out that he had abandoned his intention to commit that illicit act.

“I'm sorry, Ma. I'm totally screwed. I was blinded by my jealousy,” her whiteness while squeezing her hair hard.

He was crying. I could only look at the ceiling. I don't know what happened to us who used to love each other. We were the ones who promised to make each other happy, and today we are the strangers who hurt each other endlessly.

What does love mean to him? I don't know what he wants to show me either. Is that how he loves me? Does he really love me?

My heart can no longer assume the existence of love anymore, for me love is only pseudo. There ain't!

I hid to peek at the twilight shade. Beautifully radiated from its golden orange color. Gentle wind touched my cheek. Cold, but able to make me drift in the delusion of my memories with him.

It was he who so easily touched a heart that should have been dead stiff by a wound that was difficult to disappear. There's no word that best translates her that I've ever loved so much.

However, there was no reason either, not to tell her the love that was once there for me. May this writing bring my gratitude to him who has taught me many things in my life. Taught me the meaning of love I had never imagined would come my way.

My heart was once imprisoned by a prolonged fear of terrible nights. Whether it starts from where, the wound is able to paralyze the soul even my body is eroding with tears, like the rainy season without drought.

***

I looked out the window holding a warm cup of coffee. I don't really like coffee, especially in the morning. But today I have an important meeting, and last night I couldn't sleep.

Suddenly my phone shook

“Happy birthday, Dew .…”

“Thank you. Sorry who is this?”

“Wah, my momer is not saved apparently.”

“Wait. Huh huh? Mas Danial, yes?”

“Well, right, know.”

“Sorry, Mom. I really don't know the number. I saw the photo on the new profile ngeh.”

“Papa. Understandably we have not met for a long time, so naturally you forget.”

Mas Danial was the first man to wish me a happy birthday today. A man who never took a moment in my mind. Although we actually know each other, I don't think he's the first person to remember my birthday. Since I was alone again, the man who approached me was arguably quite a lot, yet my heart could not so easily accept it.

The meeting began, but my mind did not fuse with the body. What's wrong with me today? Why do I keep thinking about Mas Danial? Is it because I remember the prayer I prayed last night?

Last night, as usual when I was on my birthday, I did special use the time to worship God. I want to make out with the One who created me, giving thanks for everything that has happened to me. Apologizing for all the grievances that sometimes shake faith in Him.

On that night, for the first time I asked, more precisely asking for instructions if in this world I still have a soul mate, then bring closer. Introduce me to him. However, if nothing else then prepare me for a solitude full of meaning and benefits.

And today Mas Danial sent a speech that should have been spoken of all or one of the men who were approaching me. I had to guess right away that he was Mas Danial, because it could be just a coincidence.

Does coincidence happen in the world? I think there are no coincidences, all are the designs of Almighty God. Then what is the meaning of the emergence of Mas Danial that I never thought at all, even for a speech that might look ordinary for the size of a friend or casual acquaintance.

You were not born out of love

You are present because of my sepiku

Let time make you what he wants

I don't want to think anymore

Because every time I think

The more I hurt myself

Now I want to escape, free as a gust of wind

Time to come, time to go

Not something I need to worry about anymore

I press my heart too often

To be perfect

I often end up getting hurt

I'm sorry, my heart

Now let it flow according to your truth

I will just accept and accompany you

In your best and worst times

Because you and I are one

Myself.

As time goes by, Mas Danial greeting seems to be mandatory every time I start the morning. I became so used to starting the day with his attention. The thing that always makes me uncomfortable with other men trying to get close to me. However, it does not apply to Mas Danial, I like it, and I am not uncomfortable at all. He often waits for his greeting and phone.

Sometimes I just don't care about a busy work schedule just to hear his voice. He was always a top priority. Unknowingly, my heart began to grow beautifully with his presence. The heart seemed to be alive again and somehow my fear of injury to love began to fade little by little.

I feel like I am reborn from a belief in love. It's too early that I might have interpreted my feelings for her. It was like growing naturally with all of her attention, my long-sleeping self, waking up and seeing the contents of the world become more beautiful.

As if no longer concerned with the wounds I had felt before, Mas Danial was able to turn me with the blink of an eye into the me that had been lost.

I can smile back, even laugh out loud with just a simple joke. He loved me like a kid he found on the side of the road lost.

I can indulge freely in him without feeling shame and prestige. Love is always sweet and makes people blind.