Dew Heart Traces

Wounds That Never Heal

This wound could never be easy to disappear from my life. A wound I never imagined was this dark. Two of my baby candidates have been victims of the ego of their parents.

“I promise to take care of you and our child, Ma. I promise I won't make you cry again. I promise.” Those were her words shortly after I told her that I was pregnant with our third child.

The moment where the obstetrician said I had to lose one ovary because of my second pregnancy which had an incomplete abortion inside; a miscarriage and rupture in the uterus.

All because I was too stressed and exhausted. My household was like a miniature hell during my second pregnancy, making it difficult to avoid high stress, in addition to the pressure from the company I was working for at the time.

I had to give up a fetus that was just three months old. Another big consequence was that I lost my ovaries. You could say the possibility of getting pregnant again is very small. The solution, I had to get pregnant after two months of cesarean section and removal of the ovaries. To find out if my other ovary is still functioning or not. Because if not, then the greatest possibility is also exposed to the infection and finally taken as well. My dream is to be a mother again.

My household was on the verge of collapse, but I had to get pregnant again, were two different things. We can only do what we can to get pregnant again. That was the most important thing at the time. Even having body contact without feeling.

Nine months later I was pregnant with our third child. I was so happy that I was even more than happy, because I thought maybe that was what could save the destruction of our household, however, it ended up being the next nightmare with the loss of an even more tragic fetus.

Promises are only promises and always end in wounds all over the body. Once I felt unworthy in this world, but my faith saved me many times. Stupid .. Yes I am a fool in life.

I just cry, I can't anymore. I could only be silent as if I had no voice. I don't understand the life I'm living. I am like a blind and stupid man. Where's my fault? Am I really not worthy of happiness?

I am like a lifeless body. My soul is out of nowhere. Numbness from wounds I can't feel anymore as much as I can. So many questions were asked about my conscience that I might still have. However, none of the answers were able to calm down. I was getting worse and more and more submerged into the bowels of the earth. Disappeared without a trace..

“May you not come here again, Mom. Auntie could not bear to see Mother tortured again.” Sobbing Bik Nah said a sentence that made me aware of a long daydream. The man who is no longer entitled to me is still intimidating a life that has been broken into pieces.

Without mercy he still torments me without the slightest bit I can fight him. I am a fool, but it will be even more dangerous if it is witnessed by our only child, Jingga.

“Open the dooraa!” The sound of screaming and door leaves being kicked were deafening many times. I sat covering my ears with both hands, this body trembling as if it were looking at a blaze ready to devour souls.

“If you do not open this door, beware yes!”

With a trembling step I opened the door of the room.

“Awwww .…” My voice shrieked as the edge of the door hit my temple. Blood runs down the cheeks. He then slapped and pushed my body down on the bed.

“Today you came late again, right?”

“So I said there was a meeting at the office so I came home late.”

“I told you the wife should come first than the husband. You must have been hanging out a lot with your boyfriend!”

“Why is that always your anger? Am I a cheap woman, so in your mind I show my honor to all men?”

“You dare answer your husband?”

Apparently I fainted after he punched the back of the head. I saw him sitting next to me. My eyes are still twitching.

“I'm sorry Ma. I'm khilaf, I'm sorry.” That's what he used to say every time he did physical and verbal abuse to me.

I've considered his apology just a mouth speech that after that disappeared without a trace, after his spit he threw into my face.

Not once twice did he spit right in the face. It's like I'm a rotten piece of shit, worthless.

“Pick me to death! Hit until you're satisfied!” I screamed while hitting my chest, I hit my head many times against the wall to stop him from hurting me.

That day I was so tired, I ventured to fight it. I grabbed the knife in the kitchen and tried slicing his pulse to stop him.

“Buuu ..” Bik Nah's screams tried to prevent me from doing that stupid thing.

“I'm tired, Bik. Maybe with me dead he can be satisfied and stop hurting me.” Cry broke. Bik Nah hugged me tightly while crying as well.

“Please Orange, Mom. If Mom is like this what about Orange?”

I saw him sitting glued to his feet after Bik Nah interfered in our fight. For the first time Bik Nah dared to caress us, danger threatened because I was almost slashing the pulse at that time.

So many bad memories came to mind that made my chest hurt. What makes me so hurt is how to set my heart to not hate him, because after all he is the father of my son, Orange. Moreover, Jingga loved her father very much, there was no way I would instill hatred for her who was still a child.

Let me remain a fool as long as it saves our growing baby. And let me be the most stupid man.

“I still need him for Orange, Bik. As long as I'm sick, Orange is safer with her father. Pray that I recover quickly so that Orange also returns home.”

Bik Nah nodded approvingly to my reason for holding on without a fight all along.

The sound of footsteps was increasingly pointing towards the room and I could already guess who the owner was, not feeling my body react without me being able to control. I'm shaking.

Maybe right now I'm so weak as to accept physical abuse from him, even though I often ask him not to come back to see me until I'm healed. I knew exactly what he was going to do to me, but how surprised he was when he opened the door.

Without a word, the man who had been my life partner took off all his clothes. What will he do this time to me?

Will he be sexually assaulted? To stand alone I need the help of a buffer or someone else, let alone having to fight a person as strong as him. Lord ... stop this madness of the man in front of me!