Dew Heart Traces

Half My Soul is gone

I closed my eyes with the letter. I could finally cry. My body is shaking. Until the last moment he thought only of my life. There was no small gap for me to be able to hate him even when he left me just like that from this world.

What about my empty heart without him by my side? Why did he leave me when my love grew for him. When I had bound my whole soul and body to him. Is this a punishment for me for my impure feelings for her all this time?

Mas Danial was silent, he did not want to disturb my reaction to read the letter from the Star. I called Nania and asked her to drive me to the car to go home. I don't care about Mas Danial who is still glued alone.

In my room I cried. I locked the room so Bik Nah and Orange wouldn't hear me. I long for the Stars, if God wants to take my life, then I am ready. I don't know what my heart is after the departure of the Stars.

My soul is no longer in my body. My life has gone with the stars. I don't know how many more tears I've shed to miss her. Missing the man who always holds me when having nightmares, wiping away tears when I cry in my sleep.

I haven't had time to say “I love you” not even once have I said. I was the most sinful woman to her husband, her lover. A lover who never complains when his wife loves another man. I don't know how many times it's possible for a star to be jealous without her being able to reveal it to me. I deserve to be punished like this by God.

I will live this life with the punishment I have to accept all my life. I'm sincere, because I deserve a life sentence. My regret will not change anything, it will not revive the Star.

My stomach was cramped, I felt an unusually intense contraction. I screamed in pain, I felt that between my thighs were wet. My membranes may have broken. It's not time for me to give birth, but because I'm too stressed that it speeds up the process.

I was taken to the hospital. Caesarean section was forced to do because my age was very worried to undergo a normal delivery process especially the membranes had broken first.

I don't know how long I've been under the influence of post-delivery dope. But I haven't seen my baby. Where is he? Who's fucking scratching him?

“Mama .…” Orange hugged me very tightly.

“What's up, honey? Where's adek? Why are you crying?”

“Male, Ma! Similar to Papa.”

“Where is adek, Nak?”

“Adek still to be treated in NICU room, Ma.”

“NICU? Isn't that for a critical baby.”

“Adek not yet carryable, Ma.”

“Don't be convoluted, Son! What happened to adek?”

“Liar Orange call a doctor only yes.”

A moment later two doctors came to me.

“Baby mom has heart failure so we have to monitor it intensively.”

“Heart failure, Doc? Meaning how?”

“We have tried as much as possible ma'am, hopefully the little one can pass the critical period.”

Deg.

What else will be my punishment, O God? I am so guilty that this punishment is so severe I accept. If it is my fault then let me bear it, not the child who has nothing wrong.

I was crying like that. I don't know what else to do. I'm done. Turned into dust.

“Istigfar, Ma! Mama can't be like this. It'll be right, Ma. Adek strong like Mama.”

We hugged while crying without stopping.

******

I saw the tiny body that was in the embrace, I had not yet heard her cry. Sealed like I was looking at an angel who was a little human.

“Salam sama papa later if you meet there yes, son! Say that Mama misses Papa.”

I kissed her cold forehead and cheeks. I hugged him tightly. “Oh, Honey, I'm sorry Mama, yes. Forgive Mama who has been so wrong that Mama must lose Papa and now Mama must lose the only relic of Papa for Mama, namely you, Nak.”

My tears are nothing else. I've become an undead, losing many lives makes me think I'm not human? So God wants me to be able to put up with all this loss.

No one dared to prevent me from continuing to hug the body of my baby who was no longer breathing. I haven't seen his eyes open yet.

Orange said, his face is very similar to the stars.

“Mama, why don't you want to be with us?” Orange crying really is.

“He wants to be with Papa, Son. Adek do not want Papa alone there waiting for us.”

“Then how are we Ma? Don't love us.”

“Jingga has a Mama. Mama has Orange but Papa is there alone so let Papa have his friend.”

“Are we both going to be like Ma first?”

I can't answer the question anymore. I don't know what to answer.

***

~Sapa Divine~

Dark nights hide away from you. I'm stirred

I ran

I looked back and no one was chasing me.

My ears are deaf

I peek around me, lonely only me

Then where am I?

I myself am silent

I bit my lips to death race, sick

I wasn't dreaming

Why am I still here?

And I'm who?

Who made me like this?

Because it's just me, there's nobody

Then I screamed for help

No one heard me

Until finally the voice came

Approaching me

Then say

Do not be afraid and do not be sad

I will always be with you!

 

The tomb of Alfatih is right next to the tomb of the Star, his papa. The two headstones of the two men in my life that were present were so short. Both of them did not have time to hear me say “I love you so much” even one that I have not had time to hear his cries. Sepi, go noiseless.

“Ma, we are now both again.”

I hugged Orange, I couldn't comfort her this time. I also do not know how to comfort my heart. My heart was carried by both of them.

“Are we also going to move to our old house Ma?”

“Let's think about it, Darling.”

We walked away from those people I loved. Right near our parked car, stood a man who of course I knew.

“Ma, Om it's the one who pazani adek Ma.”

The sentence of the orange made my steps stop.

“So wait in the car first yes. Mama wants to talk to that Om.”

“Iya, Ma.”

I approached Mas Danial after Jingga got into the car.

“How long has it been here?”

“Since the beginning of the funeral, Dek. I dare not approach fear you are uncomfortable.”

“Thank you for screwing Fatih ya.”

“Sama-sama.”

“I hope this is our last meeting, Mas,”.

“After I say this, I promise to disappear from your life, Dek.”

“What is it , Mas?”

“When the Star asks me to marry you until she dies I refuse, but she insists on me keeping you. He asked me to promise not to leave you even if you refused and kicked me out of your life. I finally promised. I also do not want to take advantage of this opportunity in your grief, but I am bound by a promise to Bintang.”

“I've freed you from that promise, Mas. Because I can take care of myself. I can also be happy without having someone else take responsibility for it. I realized, happy it should I find myself without the help of others.”

“I know you're a tough woman, Dek. You are a strong woman with your own legs. I have no right to force you to follow the will of the Star especially me.”

“Mas, I have indeed loved you so much that even the Stars present in my life have not succeeded in removing you from my heart. He's a flawless man who can't throw you out of my heart completely. I've dreamed of being your wife must be so happy, because I love you so much."

Danial is waiting for my next words.

"However, fate is not as beautiful as my dreams and it turns out I can be happy without having to tire of dreaming because God gave me the real that is to be the wife of the Star. I realized it was my turn to live loving the Stars. This is the best punishment and gift of my life. I want in heaven I will be the wife of the Star, not the wife of anyone but her. Because if that's what I do, then there I won't meet him and our son.”

“Don't forget to be happy huh, Deck. That's all my prayer for you.”

“Aamiin. Yes, definitely, Mas. Mas should also start happy again.”

And we split up.