Our Love Among Corona

Wave of Quarrels

Love is on the brink of being shipwrecked in an endless sea of quarrels. Like there's always a reason for imperfection and then it pulls us to a fight and an emotion. Perhaps, rightly said people, rarely did the long distance relationship survive. Especially if there is no certainty of a meeting. This is much more swayed in building sustainable commitments.

"I've never had a long distance relationship. It's the first time, and now it seems to be so heavy" Luky said across the phone.

"Doubt reasons. Maybe we will find it hard to survive. Like many other couples who end up in the middle of the road" my response was sad. Obviously we both do not have the spirit and wishful thinking to survive at this time. It seems like giving up is the easiest way.

"Maybe it's good that today we broke off the phone" he said again.

"OK" I turned off the phone without giving Luky time to answer further.

Then cry without a sound in the room. Between the pillows I buried myself. I found fragility gradually surging. It's heavy, I feel lost. It's not that I'm Vashla, the girl who doesn't know the word give up on my life. Where did the girl go. Maybe people are right. When you fall in love, an idiot becomes. I feel myself at this point. Lost and swayed between despair over love. I was ashamed of myself at the same time. I'm Vashla, a woman who leads, who can't even lead myself right now.

The next days were cold in our relationship. No more Lemon Tree songs that he always sang. No good morning and good night. There is no Durak game that usually accompanies the two of us. This isolation has rolled up our relationship. Until the message from him appeared. I was powerless when the high tide in our relationship turned out to have just begun. I'm not preparing myself for the next wave.

"Oh turns out the song you've been singing isn't for me? you've been singing to your other ex? how sweet!" type it in whatsapp.

Then a screenshot there. My photo hugging K at Estonia airport. I took a deep breath, because I did not think he was so intent to scroll my post on Instagram 2 years ago when I was still in a first relationship with K. In the arms of K, with my eyes glazed over, the moment was immortalized in a post on my Instagram. After a relationship with Luky, we both agreed to erase the memories with our ex-members. No exception to the photos of ex who mill around in our various accounts. Somehow, this one photo escaped me erased.

I typed. Confused, what should I write. Was I wrong, because I missed erasing that photo. Did he feel betrayed by me because the photo was still there? Or he felt betrayed because the song Living on the Jet Plan that I always sang was not for him alone. I sit limp on my bed. My meeting will soon begin. This is an important meeting because it concerns my monthly report. My office of discipline concerns the performance and impact reports of each program that should be measured. What to do? Even in times of great importance like this, my mind is disturbed.

Should I call her and finish my romance? Or put priority on my work. Hearts and logic collide. Why is it so hard to just fight for a healthy relationship. Why does my love take so much energy. I got up and made a decision.

"Izin share screen, I will present my monthly work update" I said to my team and boss.

They waited and I tried in such a way as not to look stressed in front of them. I am fragile at the moment, struggling with my presentation. Some of the projects I'm leading are going well. There are also those who do not. I deg-degan when presenting the part of my work that does not give good results. I still feel very inadequate in doing my duties as soon as I return to Indonesia.

"What happen? You want to talk?" Alin's voice sounded sympathetic to me. Our boss and the other members have already left the zoom room. It was just the two of us, me and my supervisor, as well as an older brother to me.

"Estonia is overcast today. I can't believe it's overcast there, in your face" he said.

I took a deep breath before I told you. In the office, he was my boss. In everyday life, he was my foster brother. Usually it is telling him to relax my heart. The story then flows.

"All you can do right now is communicate with him. Tell him the real condition, about the photo, and the song. Even though I know, it's not really a big thing. Surely it's just a lighter that kindles a fire between you" Alin sends kisses and long-distance hugs through the screen. When I ended our meeting that day.

I miss her and her home in Estonia, a place where all the warmth once made room for all of us. Even the warmth with Luky who was also there. All of us, we have sweet memories that will never be timeless. Because all the happy feelings are left here, in my heart.

The night will get darker. A day after struggling in front of a computer screen, completing all my tasks. It's still hard to close these eyes. I love Luky. He was a friend and a man I wanted to marry. If our relationship has to end because of this condition, then it is not worth it at all. He and I have always believed in the power of our hearts. It can't be so easy. I don't want to put it off again. I tried to reach him. I've missed him. Shortness between cold relationships, especially the distance that is not possible to touch it at this time.

"Hey!" sapaku.

"Mhmmmm." he just muttered.

"I deleted the picture. I'm sorry" I said briefly.

"It hurts to see how much you still keep the picture there. And that song wasn't for me. I imagine every time you sing it, it's him in your mind. I feel betrayed, and look so stupid in front of you" her words sharp, stuck in my heart.

I found myself, at a loss for words to save both of us from the wave of quarrels that still shook this relationship. The call ended, with a heavy long breath. I know, not enough. It may take more time to fix this, because the real factor may not be the photo or the song, but the frustration that shackles.