Our Love Among Corona

Jealousy Allan

Jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy marks of not being able. Jealousy means love. Jealousy is not good. We often hear a lot of words about jealousy. Whatever the translation of the meaning behind jealousy, I now find my relationship with Allan filled with this feeling. Luky's arrival has stolen all the discussions we have. The affection that exists between me and Allan is often interspersed with the tangle of Luky's presence in my life.

Allan might win my heart in our relationship. It means he's managed to get me as his girlfriend and so have I. I love him and I know he has the same heart. But Allan was still closed, he was like building a wall so high against him. For example, he never wanted to come if Alin and Hanno invited to dinner together. Don't want to meet my Estonian friends. Meet Luky? Never, though Luky invited him to enjoy coffee together several times.

Allan was like keeping a big secret about himself. I was in a relationship with him like on the surface. I never understood the other deepest parts. On the other hand try to be patient and give it time, maybe later, I will get to know him better.

"Why don't you want to come to dinner with my Estoni family?" ask me one day.

"I don't feel the need, not yet" she replied lightly.

"Why don't you want to come to my apartment again, because of Luky? Can we sometimes spend time together while watching a movie or playing cards together?" ask me again when we meet.

"I don't want to be uncomfortable with Luky. He comes and lives with you, I don't like it" he said.

"But Luky's a close friend of mine...".

"Stop! This is the third time. It's our date and I'm sick of discussing her name between our relationships" she said.

Allan got out of the car and stood outside looking at the river that stretched before us. It's still the Pirita area, close to where I live. Allan just wanted to meet outside, we enjoyed coffee at a nearby cafe and then most of the time we mostly played in nature like this.

I waited in the car, considering whether to come out to him, clasped his hand and tried to fix this situation. Or I'll just stay in the car, wait for him to come back by himself. When you're done, come back, I thought.

I really have doubts. Is Allan really the right guy for me. I'm not used to a very secretive man like him. Even though I found it on an online dating app, which means anyone can find it. But the closed feeling it has feels excessive.

There's a lot I don't know about him. Like he had a lot of secrets about himself. He doesn't have a social media account, doesn't allow me to take pictures of us together. He always rejected it and did not want to be too visible in public places. Only occasionally, and his place was upon his consent.

"I'm sorry," I got out of the car and grabbed her hand. I put my head on his shoulder.

I don't know why to apologize, even if I don't want to and I do. I didn't feel wrong just for accepting Luky in my apartment. Because of that apartment I rented with my own money, there was no interference with the money. Why do I feel governed by him. My logic says so, my heart remains blinded by this emotion of love.

He looked at my face, and so did I. Looking right into his eyes and trying to dive into what was there. There are many things that are not read by me. Where did my reading skills go, I asked myself. Where did the science of communication go, the body language of the books I read. Theories prove it is not easy to do so. Some gestures are easy to read. But the depth of the eyes and heart is sometimes difficult to guess. In front of her, I feel so naive right now.

"Let's stop fighting okay?" He kissed my lips.

"OKs". My answer was short as he removed his lips from mine

"See this river. It's beautiful and quiet here". He put my body into his body. It was very warm and I enjoyed it.

"Are you okay?" Allan must have read my expression like a dazed person.

"Yes, just a little bit cold".

"Haha.." she laughed.

"Emang ya you tropical chick". He pinched my cheek.

"You eat no, there's a nice restaurant near here". I nodded weakly. Hungry and tired of my own feelings.

We went back down the actual road to my apartment. But Allan did not want to stop by. He would just drop me off and pick me up even outside our parking area. Maybe that thick he was on Luky, to avoid not meeting at all. Drama between two European men. I thought it was only in the movies. In fact, even simple relationships can be complicated. I am short-minded and usually spontaneous do not consider mature.

**** you and you and you....I hate your friends and they hate me to. Songs from the radio Allan played.

"The genius didn't make this song. My favorite". He turned the volume of his music bigger, and started flailing his hands on the steering wheel like he was playing drums there. He seems to enjoy the song very much.

"This is a newcomer?" ask me to him.

"Perhaps, like Eminem's voice?" tanyakanya.

"Maybe". Reply again.

The song is playing on Estonian radio. Maybe because it's new. I checked the youtube, there are already millions watching the video.

"We've arrived" Allan pulled his car over at the parking corner.

"Oh this restaurant? I've been through it, just never been here" I said realizing the restaurant in front of us.

We enjoyed the Estonian menu and it was delicious. For a moment, we forgot about all the problems and quarrels that had just occurred. Smiles spread across both of our lips.

"Do you want more wine?" Allan lifted the bottle and then poured the wine back a second time in my glass.

We also ordered a small chocolate cake as a cover. Although the stomach was full, I deliberately did not want to miss the sweet taste of chocolate that melted in my mouth. Brown and winter, two perfect alloys. We toast to our nano-nano relationship. Who says a relationship that just started will be easy on its journey. Of course, many trials have come.

Exams will continue to exist, especially when the mask has not opened everything. It is only a matter of time, when each personality unfolds little by little. After that, maybe the quarrel will be a little less. Might as well. There is still no sure guarantee. New relationships and long-standing relationships, all facing the same conditions, uncertainties.