I'm Not an Actor

Walk with another man

I told Yoga about a video call this afternoon with mom. All I'm telling you without anything being missed.

"Still accusing me?"

I walked out of the room and took two testpacks that were intact.

"More." I gave both of them to Yoga so he could be sure.

Yoga accepts it, then puts it under the pillow.

"here." Yoga asked me to lie next to him. And hugged me tightly.

"You hungry?" ask Yoga.

My stomach is ringing. Worms protest because they are not fed all day.

"Yes." Yeah."

Yoga let go of her embrace and took me to the dinner table.

"Are you ready for all this?" ask Yoga.

I'm nodding. Then take the plate for myself.

Yoga took the dishes and ate with me. Eat more than me. He seems to be hungrier than me.

"What's hungry for?" my many.

"I haven't eaten in a day" said Yoga.

I bengong.

"So they said they ate?" my many.

"I was upset with you. So I said I ate." Then we laughed together.

After eating, we sat in the living room. Watching television until finally drowsiness.

"Sleep yuk, Ga. I'm sleepy."

Yoga according to him. We went to sleep and forgot about the desire for urine tests.

"Ga. Wakes up. We're having a bad time." I shook Yoga's shoulder just after my eyes caught the sunlight coming in through the curtains.

"Where are you going?" tanya Yoga saw me hurrying down.

"The bathroom." Then I ran because I could barely hold my pee.

Yoga chased me and stopped me.

"Surge, Ga. I've been so fucking cool!"

"Attent." Yoga picked up the bowl I prepared from yesterday afternoon near the bathroom.

"More."

I lazily accepted the bowl. Yoga was still standing at the door watching me let out my urine.

"Well fitting dong, let's go all in!"

"It doesn't take much, Ga. This is enough too. Nih."

Without disgust, Yoga took the bowl I gave him.

"Whoo! Don't dawdle. The hunt stinks!"

So want to laugh. I think he's holding on to the smell. I rushed out of the bathroom.

Yoga sitting firmly in the dining chair. In front of him is a bowl filled with my urine.

I also sat next to him. There's a feeling of anxiety. I'm afraid the result is negative. Yoga will be very disappointed.

"Read Bismillah first, Ga." And I remind myself.

Like a person who will perform a mystical ritual, Yoga continues to commute.

I also pray in my heart. I don't want to disappoint my husband. May Allah grant us His mercy.

We are both dumb. Beyond our expectations. The result is only one line.

Yoga put the stick on the table.

"It's okay, Wid. Let's try again. There's still plenty of time, right?" he said with a smile.

After shuffling my hair, Yoga went into the bathroom.

My body immediately limp. My tears were dripping without me preventing them.

God, why don't you let me make my husband happy? He wanted it so much, God.

For a moment I put my face on the dinner table. It hurts my heart because I let my husband down this morning.

I know Yoga is very disappointed. Even though he was trying to act ordinary in front of me.

"Why you?" ask Yoga. He's out of the bathroom. While I was, still slapping my face on the table.

"No need to cry, Wid. God knows when it's time for us to have another child."

I'm looking. I wiped my tears. Thankfully Yoga can accept the reality.

I went back to the bathroom. Actually still want to cry. But do what? Yoga will leave me just because I can't get pregnant anymore?

I am a normal woman. I had a kid once. There's nothing I need to worry about with myself.

After the shower, I prepared breakfast. And as I had expected, Yoga did not want to eat breakfast on the grounds that there was business this morning. He had to rush off so as not to be late.

Classical reasons. Just avoiding a debate or maybe he's angry, disappointed but doesn't want me to know.

I drove him forward until he got into his car and disappeared. In my heart I said, it is not only you who are disappointed. I am also very disappointed that I cannot make you happy at this time.

But this is not how it works. Not very gentle and immature. I swallowed my own disappointment at the attitude of Yoga.

I went back inside the house. I promised myself not to be sad. I will do it all without any burden.

I also did the usual activities. Cleaning house. Tousle. No need to cook because it will not be eaten.

Finished with all the activities, my body even felt weak. My eyes are yellowing. Maybe because of the exhaustion. I forced myself to do everything myself.

I fell on the sofa in the living room while watching television. Until I finally fell asleep for a while.

I woke up feeling that my stomach was not feeling well. So nauseous. I tried to hold back by staying down. But the nausea is not gone either.

Why is it me? Pregnant also not but nauseous. Not wanting to vomit. I want to eat something that makes my mouth fresh.

I opened the fridge. Still found some leftover grapes a few days ago. It's good to say nausea.

I went to the room to take the hape. Little did Yoga ask me how I was doing. A little hope is in vain.

Although Yoga was in an online position, he did not greet me at all.

Trying to be mature. Think positive so as not to torture the heart.

I opened whatsapp status. Turns out zonk, so status Yoga this morning.

Yoga, the person who had rarely made a status, suddenly expressed his disappointment.

Let it be, I don't want to fuss about it. Although I'm sure his status is aimed at me.

I went back out of the room. My nausea is coming up again. Ish, I'm upset myself. Why am I like someone who craves?

I just want to eat fruit. In my head suddenly appeared a picture of many fresh fruits.

Yes already. Instead of bete inside the house, I went out. At the end of the street there is a fruit stand. Maybe I can indulge myself in buying as many fruits as I want.

"A lot to buy, Mommy?" ask a neighbor who happens to be buying fruit.

"Yes, Mom. Make provisions. Let's not go back and forth." I'm sure the mother thought I was cravings. Because a few days ago she asked why the married did not invite her?

"Oh. It is good to eat a lot of fruit. Let the digestion smooth," he said and then say goodbye first.

It is also heavy with me. Because I buy a lot of fruit.

And until the afternoon I would eat nothing but fruit. Luckily Yoga came home the other night and didn't ask me what I had eaten yet. So he didn't know that I only ate fruit all day.