I'm Not an Actor

Wait here, wait, man,,

I was still silent on the terrace of Yoga house, while waiting for the online ojek that I was ordering.

Yoga. Why do I miss him. He was just me as a friend. I was silent when he expressed his feelings.

I feel so stupid. It's ridiculous that I'm now on the porch of a man's house that I even ignore his feelings for.

I'm sorry, Ga. I told you once that I needed time. But that doesn't mean you leave without giving word.

Soon the object I ordered came. I stopped my brain thinking about Yoga.

Yep. I had to throw away my thoughts about Yoga. Maybe he forgot about me. Maybe he has thrown away his feelings for me.

There's Irene who's probably with him now. I can't expect it. I don't want to be hurt anymore.

"With Widhi's mother?" ask the rider ojol.

"Yes, I'm alone."

Then the young rider gave me his helmet.

For a moment I thought back to Yoga who always put a helmet on my head.

I shook my head. Trying to shake those memories. It's all over.

I put on my own helmet and immediately climbed into the bollard of the motorcycle.

"Mad street."

Slowly the motor starts running.

"Whoo! Widhi!"

A familiar voice in my ear. I'm turning.

Yoga called me from the top of his bike. It seems like he's coming from the opposite direction.

"Stop, Mom!" I patted the shoulder of the driver ojol slowly. The motor stopped too.

Yoga approached me with his motor.

"Down, Wid. I want to talk."

I was silent for a moment. Considering what I should do.

I let out my breath. Then get off the ojol motor.

"Get it." Yoga told me to get on the back of the bike.

I paid the ojol fare first before boarding the Yoga bike.

"I'll just get down here." Then I took off the helmet and returned it to my order ojol driver.

"Is this really, Mom?" ask driver ojol. I'm nodding. And ojol passed.

"Well, Wid."

I got on the back of the Yoga bike. He turned his motor. And took me to his house which I had not left far away.

As soon as the Yoga bike stopped, I got off.

I followed Yoga who entered his house. After the door opened, I could see how clean the inside of the house was. Not as it looks from the outside.

"Come in, Wid."

I also according. Then follow Yoga sitting on a wooden chair in the front room.

"You from here?" ask Yoga. I'm nodding.

"Where do you know my home address?" ask Yoga again.

"From your resignation letter. I found it on Andi's desk."

Though I did not find, but already known Andi, then I searched for him.

Yoga nodded then looked at me from the side.

"Why did you resign, Ga?" manya curious.

"I'm not resigning, but..." Yoga did not continue. Like something was hidden.

"But what, Ga?" I looked at Yoga's face.

"It's okay."

I'm getting curious. It was impossible if there was nothing, to suddenly resign.

"Just say, Ga. I can keep a secret. Promise!" I said, raising my two fingers. Finger and middle finger.

It does. Yoga people are very loyal to their work. He is also an economics scholar, it will not be difficult to find a job.

Different from me who only graduated from an SMK. I can get a job easily because of my brother. And that must be because the company belongs to my ex-boyfriend who's still obsessed with me.

"Why are you looking for me, Wid? Aren't you getting married next month?" tanya Yoga makes me even more clueless. Who made such untrue news on Yoga?

"Front month?"

Yoga nodded. But his eyes did not look at me.

"Who said?" my many.

"Your husband candidate."

The Angga? He who makes such untrue news on Yoga?

"No, Ga. No one will get married next month. My idhah has just finished in two months."

I tried to convince Yoga with the reality that Yoga certainly already knows.

"When did he tell you?" my many.

"The night after I last drove you."

Yes I remember. But wasn't Angga at my house till night?

"He called you? I remember him at my house till night."

"Yes. He called me and said it like that. Then...."

"Then what, Ga?" I kept chasing for Yoga to come frank. Because I want to know why Yoga is resigning.

"Then he asked me to stay away from you. And tomorrow morning he's waiting for my resignation letter from his company." said Yoga. I was stunned to hear it.

How could a person like Angga shamelessly dictate the lives of others?

I don't believe in yoga. Just feel unsure if mas Angga can do things that will actually drop his own dignity.

"Ga. Trust me. There's not gonna be a marriage between me and her, much sooner." I tried to convince Yoga.

"Make me no problem, Wid. With whoever you marry, as long as you are happy I am happy" said Yoga touched my feelings.

"Ga..."

"Wid. The true essence of love is when we make the person we love happy. Not always chasing him or finding a way to have him. That's not love. But ambition. Obsession."

"When you said you were going to marry her, I asked you, did you ask your heart?"

I was silent with Yoga.

"Wid. Do not let you fail a second time. Learn from the first failure. Did you get married because you really love? Or just chasing a target because of age?"

"Don't lie to your own conscience, Wid. Give your conscience a chance to speak."

I let out my breath.

"You missed me?" tanya Yoga makes me flinch.

"Or do you still expect her to marry you?" ask Yoga again.

I'm shaking.

"Why?" tanya Yoga looked me in the eye.

"I'm stuck in debt, Ga. I don't love her anymore after she ran away from me and married another woman."

I remembered the betrayal of Angga's mas to me.

"It hurts so much, Ga. For years I tried to forget. Until there was another figure who I thought could heal my wounds. But he's only adding more and more wounds to my heart."

I breathe again.

"Then Angga was present again in the chaos of my household. He was present as a hero in my helplessness. Which traps me in debt. Ah.later, Ga. I'm ashamed to tell you. Because I'm impressed I'm a matre woman. Woman snatching man's husband. Although actually my lover who was captured first."

I held my tears down so they wouldn't spill.

Yoga grabbed me in his arms. And that's when I couldn't hold back my crying anymore.

"You miss him, Wid?" tanya Yoga kept hugging me.

"I miss you, Ga." I said between the beatings.

I don't know where the courage is that makes me talk like that.