Being a Connecting Mother

How to Miss You Again

“ Thanks you even tried not to make me feel guilty, now I know very well how irresponsible I am ” said Zein softly and in later she kept her body away from Adira, it felt like now he wanted to go away for a moment from the woman and breathe some fresh air at least to calm his heart.

“ Mas...”

Trying to prevent Zein from leaving, Adira can only grab the tip of Zein's shirt sleeve. Grasping tightly as he could for Zein to at least listen to him talk.

Zein felt Adira pulling on the arm of his shirt slowly Zein turned to let go of Adira's hand slowly, she could see a repulsive expression from Adira. Then he gently placed Adira's hand on the side of the bed.

“ Do not move much later the infusion goes up, I will just go looking for fresh air for a while ” said Zein.

“ I don't allow Mas to go..At least listen to me talk after that if Mas decides to go please.”

The clear expression that Adira showed made Zein inevitably hang in there.

“ That time I should have gone with Lily to camp, Mas still remember that time it was ”

Zein nodded her head quickly as she herself allowed Adira and Lily to leave back then.

“ Turns out his camp had to be canceled due to severe congestion due to an accident that occurred at that time. Lily and I went back home, shortly after putting Lily to bed I went back to the room and ended up sleeping too.”

Zein tried to recall everything she did that day, and the memories of her starting to drink at a glance began to appear.

“ Then suddenly at dawn Mas came home..in a very drunk state. I kept worrying that I was there just a hallucination. How many times have I tried to resuscitate Mas but it turns out the influence of alcohol is quite strong ”

Adira bit her lips strongly as if the next incident after that was hard to say.

“ Then finally Mas did that.in a state of complete unconsciousness ”

Suddenly Zein's head felt as if pulsing memories of that night little by little appeared like a silhouette of a shadow not too clear. But in his memory began to describe how at that time Adira tried to rebel under his support while he continued to fight the woman.

“ I deliberately did not bring it up to Mas because at that time I was ready for our separation, I also did not expect to get pregnant. I knew the pregnancy was just the result of that mistake, but I didn't want to kill my son. For me it doesn't matter even though it was a mistake at first but this baby is innocent and he is a gift God gave me ”

Adira stared in disbelief at Zein who was currently only able to bow before her.

“ You have tried to stop me.But I keep doing that depraved thing to you. Had it been then that I realized everything would not have been like this ”

“ Mas stop saying all Mas do is depraved stuff ” Adira voice slightly raised.

“ Indeed when it forced me, it was a very painful moment for me. It was the first time for me but Mas did that when he was unconscious it was very painful for me. Not only my heart is hurting, but my body is also hurting. But..when a part of me wants to rebel another part of me enjoys your gentle touch ”

“ My head feels like it wants to explode at that time.everything is filled with questions what because he was unconscious so he did this very gently? I revolted but Mas did it very carefully as if I was an item that could break at any time.so soft that I did not want to rebel anymore. Even until now I didn't know it was normal or not, because it was the only experience I had sleeping with men. For me at that time receiving a gentle treatment from you made my logic disappear altogether.” said all those things Adira took a deep breath for a moment. Zein kept staring at Adira.

“ Is it because this man is so experienced that my body cannot resist? Was he also always this gentle to his first wife or even another woman? Or does she imagine me as another woman? The question filled my head with confusion and awkwardness at that time, but.at that time Mas kept calling my name as if never satisfied to mention it. Somehow hearing that my heart is filled with happiness because at least you do not imagine me as another woman.”

“ Even in every village.han breath Mas always call my name as if it does not want me to go, especially when..He repeatedly said he loved me when he didn't know how I felt. I kept wavering when it was just an unconscious confession by Mas, but I was hypnotized to feel that it was true that you were expecting me. How am I supposed to reject this guy like this? Does he really love me? All those feelings attacked me at the same time ”

“ But before long I realized that you were so drunk back then, there's no way that's true. I don't dare to tell you that because inside me there is a fear first you will assume everything you do to me is only a mistake when drunk but...I want to keep lying to myself that at least even though I lied at that time I really think that you really love me. I want to keep the words you said when you were drunk it was Mas.”

Zein quickly hugged Adira, clutching her tightly as if she had found some of her lost memories. Adira's body just quietly stiffened in Zein's arms.

“ I was drunk back then, the frustration of remembering when you always said you were ready to part once the deal was over made me so miserable. With the feeling that even if you return drunk, you will not be in the room because you went with Lily. I was drinking to relieve a strange pain in my heart every time I remembered you. Just a moment apart from you it feels like time is slow and I always remember your reflection. That's why when I saw your figure sound asleep in bed I thought it was just my hallucination. At that time I missed you so much Adira, I wanted to prevent you from leaving but did not know how to prevent you ”

“ I really wanted to have you completely by my side but somehow the reality of that moment felt so against us. In the mind that I saw at the time was a hallucination I wanted to have you completely even in my shadow that's why I did it to you. When I said I loved you, it wasn't because I wasn't aware of Adira. But because it was my deepest feeling that I could only express at that moment. I love you.even to this day I still love you very much ”

Adira's heart beats erratically hearing Zein's words but she doesn't know what to react to.

“ I just realized after you left that I love you so much even too big until I don't know how else to miss you.”

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