Send My Letter to Heaven's

A Million Dreams

There are two reasons why I came here. The first to meet with children with cancer as usual. And secondly, I came to meet one of the Doctors who was willing to make an appointment with me and give me a little explanation.

Not a consultation about my ears, or a consultation about my health. The point is not about me.

Remember the drugs my sister kept and my sister consumed that always haunted my curiosity? Yep... That's what made me come here and see the doctor. I was too afraid of my brother why-why because he consumed that much medicine. It's too presumptuous of me to interfere until I have to find the evidence myself. And my instinct told me to come to the hospital and check the medicine myself.

Reason to come to see cancer children. Though my main intention to meet Doctor Kang and consult what drugs have been consumed by Kak Dhafin.

I wanted to come to Doctor Aber's room. But before my intention to take me there, I was sure that Doctor Aber would not be honest and tell me about Dhafin's health.

Sister Dhafin well, sister Dhafin ceria, sister Dhafin healthy. It was always in front of my eyes, until I didn't think about my brother being sick and hurt.

There was too much weight he had endured since he was a child until now. Although Dhafin never complained, but I'm sure he never even felt tired often.

For almost an hour I stayed in Doctor Kang's room. A long time just to wake me up from the pain that has been shackling my brother.

I'm a stupid brother. He could not understand his brother. Not knowing his brother's condition. I was so absorbed in my own grief. Too late in the blemish that took over my world.

While Dhafin is too busy encouraging me. Make my days colorful, and make me rise from the brink until he ignores himself.

With a broken feeling I stepped out of the room. I looked back at the white door I had just entered.

I looked up at the ceiling of the hospital. One tear came back down as my mind turned back to Doctor Kang's words earlier.

I crumpled my chest that was painful. I need someone now. I'm afraid, I can't face this alone. I know it's all very hard for my sister. And I was confused, how could he continue to smile with the heavy burden he had been carrying?

My legs feel heavy to step on but are too weak to stand on. Doctor Kang even explained to me the details of the drug that Kak Dhafin consumed as well as his estimates of the disease lodged in Kak Dhafin's body.

My body is getting cramped at the thought of how much Kak Dhafin has suffered so far. I fear. I only have Brother Dhafin, please allow us to continue together until the end.

“Hyera?”

I hurried to wipe my tears. Replacing with a thin smile even though my heart aches.

“Hai.” I said with a pushy smile towards Kenzie.

I could see from where I was standing, the boy frowned. Approach slowly and then wipe the remaining tears that are still attached to the corner of my eye.

“Crying? Why?”

“A-ahh this...” I rubbed my face rough. “Not tears. I washed my face. The water is not dry yet hehe.” My excuse while grinning a rabbit at Kenzie.

“ What's wrong?” Free to actually lie to her. In fact, that kid is hard to lie to.

“Nothing.” I'm sure I'm still with my fake smile.

Kenzie sighed softly. Swiped my head slowly and said, “There I am here. If anything bothers you, tell me.”

Yes exists.

There's Ken.

Something is bothering me right now.

About my sister. My sister's not okay, and I'm scared.

Please encourage me. Please tell me all the good things I will get in the future. Please tell me to be calm and patient. Please encourage me to dare to see Dhafin Sister after this and hold her tightly and take care of her.

Please say all the positive things so that I can be excited to accept the burden for the burden that the creator gives me every day.

Please, hug me for a second.

I'm too cowardly to say it all. Choosing a hunchback, do not want to open the slightest item.

A lot of people talk, he says the creator gives us a balanced ordeal with our strengths. But what is it? The Creator continues to give trials beyond the limits of my abilities. Though I want to shout ‘stop, please I can no longer’.

I've all complained to the creator, but maybe the creator hasn't heard my complaint. Or my charity that is still lacking to support my prayer all this time?

I smiled at Kenzie. Convince the boy to stop worrying about me. I don't want to involve Kenzie in my problems too far, even though I do need him.

For now let me try to endure it all first. I can, though I don't know until when I can hold it.

“You joined the kids?”

My eyes glanced towards the group of children who were busy playing with Brother Andrian.

Andrian was very active in getting them to play. Brother Andrian is good, willing to share and play without distinguishing status degrees or health status. He wants to be a doctor, he said. He wants to heal all the sick. Although healing was not his will, at least he was there for those in pain and in need of help. Accompany until those who are sick do not feel lonely.

Like now, for example. Brother Andrian actively play with children with cancer. Singing with them also taught them to paint and color.

Thanks to Brother Andrian also I feel not lonely anymore.

Kenzie took one place beside Brother Andrian. His hand held the guitar and patted the bench next to him, telling me to sit down.

I smiled and sat down next to him. It's halfway between Kenzie and Brother Andrian.

Brother Andrian tells the children to be quiet for a while. He said, we'll give them a little appearance. Andriam's brother will clap and watch the kids, Kemzie will play guitar, while I'll sing.

I'm not good at singing. Brother Andrian is better than me. His voice is very soft and nice. Although my voice was not as good as Andrian's, but he always told me to sing. He said, it can relieve a little emotional turmoil because I can also raise my mood.

I smiled as I watched Brother Andrian painstakingly tell the children to be quiet. I don't know when I'll be next to them. Don't know how long I can stand watching Kak Andrian being crowned the great Doctor. Don't know how long I can see Kenzie smiling at me. Everything will come back. And the path of destiny no one knows.

But I know one thing. I know one thing I will do to put an end to all this suffering.

Kenzie started tapping on his guitar. Distract all the attention of children who are still busy with their own world. Kenzie and I smiled gently as their eyes looked at us deliciously, and Brother Andrian smiled as he managed to calm the children.

I started singing. One of the songs titled ‘A Million Dreams’ songs that I often sing with children with cancer.

Their attention was all towards me. I could feel the look in their eyes. I could feel their stares. I smiled with my eyes closed and my tone made it in with Kenzie's music. I started singing slowly.

(Play A Million Dreams cover by Alexandra Porat)

I close my eyes and I can see

A world that’s waiting up for me

That I call my own

Little by little I opened my eyes and looked at those who were still faithful staring at me.

Trough the dark, trough the door

Trough where no one’s been before

But it feels like home...

I looked at how bright their eyes were looking at me. I could even feel how they got carried away in the song I was singing.

They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy

They can say, they can say I’ lost my mind

I don’t care, I don’t care, so call me crazy

We can live in a world that we design...

I am not perfect in their eyes. And they are the same, not perfect because of the cancer that lodged in their bodies.

As Dhafin and Sam said. There is no perfect man in this world. Everyone is disabled. Although their defects are not visible in plain sight.

They easily sneered disdain at me who was flawed. They easily yelled at me because I couldn't hear. If I could, I'd like to yell at them. What would they do if they were in my position?

It's like saying I'm caacat. It was like mocking me because I was a. Is this all my wish? Those who are perfect with two ears sometimes like to pay attention to their hearing when there is an order not to sit in the place of the bench provided for people with disabilities. As simple as that and as they cared for hearing, they blinded his sight.

‘Cause every night I lie in bed

The brightest colors fill my had

A million dreams are keeping me awake

I think of what the world could be

A vision of the one I see

A million dreams is all it’s gonna take

A million dreams for the world we’re gonna make...

They are children with cancer who are only 6 years to 10 years old. They are small. Little sagat to feel very painful things.

A malignant disease lodged in their bodies. Feel the pain every day without anyone to relieve it. Kids his age even run and play freely out there. They play very freely and smile wide out there without a burden. While those in front of me?

They all have dreams. Just like they're out there. They have a dream they want to make. But their dreams are held back by the harsh reality of death lurking in them and a disease that could bring them to face the creator at any moment.

They are children in front of me who are very eager to heal. Although occasionally they complain but their spirit blaze never fade.

I should be like them. More if necessary. I have to be passionate, for my sister. I have to get up for my sister.

Never heard the term, ‘no matter how far you run, you will still return to your home?’

And yes, no matter how much I deny the news about my life and my brother's, the end will all end with my brother. And I will try to shift all my brother's suffering to my life. Let me, not my sister.

Brother Dhafin my house. Until whenever so. There are a lot of wishlists that I have compiled to have fun with. There are many things I want to try with him. Both with my brother. And if you want to be with Kenzie, too, maybe.

If there's no Kimi I might be able to take Kenzie. But since there is Kimi, I hesitate to invite him to enjoy my days.

The song ended and they applauded. Brother Andrian smiled and approached us. Hugged me, and hugged Kenzie.

“Good work.” Her speech.

I smiled in response. Brother Andrian brought the children back to his room. It was time for them to get back to rest.

“Your voice is good, as always.” Praise Kenzie and I smile at you.

“Thanks. Your music is also beautiful.” What kind of conversation is this? Why so awkward?

“Can you hold your hand?” A little surprised but I still nodded my head.

Kenzie's hand held my hand tightly. His eyes looked into my eyes. Lips smile. And I'm still not used to Kenzie's sweet treat like this.

“Can I hold this hand till the next? Can I keep staring into your eyes like this until next?”

I'm silent. Still digesting Kenzie's speech. My max, if Kenzie said and behaved like this to me, would it not pity my heart?

“You smiled like this to me until later it was very grateful to me.”

And yes, I'm not lying. It's just the smile I have if I can't have her. Just smile, and I'm happy.

Thank you, Kenzie Masashi.