Send My Letter to Heaven's

Cancer and Purple Paper Flowers

I sat on one of the hospital benches. I come here often. Just visiting and sharing with children with cancer. My eyes looked at the few children who were running around with their heads without hair.

Their hair starts to fall out. Some are deliberately cut out and some are deliberately falling out because of the hard drugs that flow in their bodies to eradicate cancer.

The pain when I saw them directly grimaced with the pain. I also quietly cried as they roared for help in order to recover from the disease lodged in his body.

Sometimes I am a little grateful for my life. I am deaf, but at least I can still hear though not as sharp as normal people in general.

“Ra, daydream what?” I looked to the right side. Got Kenzie standing with two hands in his pants pocket.

I smiled at him. “Just see them.” I said then looked back at the group of children fighting over each other's toys.

“You have how many children in the future?” Kenzie's question shuddered a little. I never imagined a future life. Having a family, a husband, children, even though I never thought of such a thing.

I shook my head slowly. And then I heard a slow breath.

“Don't put yourself too locked up with your flaws. You have the right to decide your life. Don't make your flaws a burden on your life until you close your future path.”

Kenzie's words were only returned with a smile. I am indeed a minder. I was a little bit away from the social environment. I shut myself out of my neighborhood. Only those closest to me might understand my position. I never asked them to understand me.

I'm disabled. Most people out there look down on people with limitations. On social media they may respect some people who have limitations, but the real fact in the world, people with disabilities are always people with disabilities who they look at one eye.

In other parts of the world I believe the same. That's why I always shut myself out of the neighborhood. Although I could not hear their slurs clearly, but I could read their diatribes through the squealing eyes that were always presented to me. Disgust maybe. I am human just like them. But they clearly distinguish me.

Just because I'm different, they keep putting me down. Caring in front, but blatantly choking me in the back. I know it. want to protest and retort the taste. But I realize, who am I? Only handicapped girls are very troublesome.

“Kak,” My daydream was awakened by the little boy standing in front of me. One hand held a purple fake flower like he made himself from folding paper.

“That big brother, big brother likes flowers. This is for sister. But don't be sad anymore.” I followed the direction that the little boy was pointing at. My eyes looked at her for a while then smiled at her.

Brother Andrian always knew my sadness without the need for me to complain that I was sad.

“Thanks.” I said and hugged his thin body.

My hand moved gently through the boy's head. As I rubbed his head, my heart rippled in pain. Want to cry it feels.

I slowly loosened my arms. Afterwards, the boy ran back and joined his friends. Laugh and play again. Her smile was very loose, making my heart warm a little.

“There's a problem?” Kenzie, who was standing, now took the place to sit beside me. I didn't even realize when he moved.

“I saw a pile of drugs in the drawer Kak Dhafin.” I said, remembering the time I cleaned my sister's room, and how surprised I was when I found so many packs of medicine in my sister's drawer.

Some of the medicine boxes were almost gone. Some are bone white, some are gray. I'm not a child of health, I can't tell what kind of medicine my brother is taking.

The writing is latin. Just try it for free. But what I caught, Dhafin is in a bad condition right now.

“Pain reliever medicine may.”

I frown, “Nyeri? What pain?”

“Your sister is often overtime at the cafe. He is also a hard worker. His body could be sore. That's why he took the drug to relieve some of his pain. Some adults also take medicine for their health.”

Don't know if I should believe Kenzie's words. A little strange if it's just ordinary pain medicine or just an achy painkiller. I was just afraid that my brother was secretly sick and didn't tell me because I was afraid I would be worried.

I only have Dhafin. Only him. And I hope he stays healthy so he can take care of me until we're both reunited with mom and dad.

I looked down, looking at the purple paper flower that the child had given me. Twisting slowly and I observed the petals one by one.

I remember what Kak Dhafin said when I could not sleep and was busy gardening to arrange flowers in the garden behind our house.

Brother Dhafin approached me. Ask me why I don't sleep, and I answer because I can't sleep.

I love flowers, there are many types of flowers that I care for. At first I was not careful to take care of them. However, since flowers always reminded me of my late mother, I got excited about taking care of them as if what I cared for was my mother.

Brother Dhafin came up to me and brought a small pink rose pot perched near the fence. Give it to me and say it slowly. “Bunganya bloom. But small.” He said while looking at the flowers that had just grown. Not yet in perfect bloom.

I smiled hearing it. Seeing my thin smile, Brother Dhafin again said, “The life of someone is like a flower. To give birth and grow. Once they grow they will bud. Human life begins with the flower buds. The more we grow, the greater the human being. And when it blooms beautifully, they will fall continuously long withered.” I stopped my activities and looked at my sister. “It was during the fall that humans began to get sick. They started to get nervous about his age soon. And when the flower withers and dies, it is also a sign of the age of man is exhausted and his task in the world is completed.”

I remember my brother's words. A little justified his words. Man comes into the world but leaves the world. That's not a myth. But the facts that all humans will face.

About the withered flowers my sister said the other day, can I ask God to have my sister's life replaced with paper flowers?

I want my brother to live happily. Don't be sick, let alone sad.

Maybe I'm a burden to her, but can she stay happy and find her future life partner to live a decent life?

Caring for a handicapped and troublesome sister. What can I do? Just planting and caring for flowers, maybe.

There are no special skills that I can show my brother and make my brother proud. I'm still the troublesome Hyera.

Disabled girl with all her flaws that can only trouble her brother.

Can you live in exchange?

Sillier.

Want until whenever I complain to fate, everything that happens still can not be replaced and repeated. Want to live better later in life? I can change it slowly if I have the determination to live better.

If, I had determination.

“You just go home? From earlier I saw you contemplating on.” I'm not the kind of person who can hide my anxiety and sadness. The expression on my face will be very noticeable when my mood is not in good condition. I am not an actress who can act well in this world.

I nodded in response. Kenzie stand up first. He stretched out his hand to hold my hand. I'm happy to accept Kenzie's hand. I am grateful that my friend did not leave me even though I was disabled.

We walked over to Brother Andrian who was still busy playing with children with cancer. Seeing us approaching him, Brother Andrian stood up from his bed. “You want to go home?” tanyakanya.

“Iya Brother. It's late afternoon too, let's say goodbye.” Pamit Kenzie and followed by me.

As usual, Brother Andrian always landed a light kiss on my head. Tracking my hair plan while saying ‘be careful on jalan’.

It looks like Dhafin.

Dhafin often treats me that way. And I think Brother Andrian is imitating him. He said I was considered like his sister. That's why he was so caring and kind to me.

I also love Brother Andrian as much as I love Brother Dhafin. Brother Andrian has a great contribution to my life and my brother's life. Always arrive early to help us when we need help.

It's a little laughable to say this, but Brother Andrian is indeed our super hero. I hope, Brother Andrian can live better and continue to be happy in the future.

I walked with Kenzie. My palm is still perched on his big palm. There is no intention of his to release or just loosen the grip. Tight, as if he didn't want me to go far.

It certainly makes my heart shake.

A myth about love that grew out of male and female friendship, and that's what's happening to me now.

Denying not believing the myth is also free. Because I really like Kenzie. I don't know when I liked it. That feeling just flows over time often gets us together. I like Kenzie. And I love Kenzie like a girl to a man in general.

I just like it in silence, but I'm happy.

I'm not asking Kenzie to return my feelings. I'm not asking Kenzie to know how I feel. I didn't ask Kenzie to stay with me. It was enough that I felt this feeling. Kenzie would be embarrassed if a disabled girl like me liked her.

He deserves a much better girl. There were many, and he could definitely find one among them.

Bruck...

My body staggers and almost falls if Kenzie doesn't catch my body.

“You all right?” Ask her with worry. My arm was my answer to him.

“Can you step aside?! I shouted from earlier, why don't you guys step aside?!” The person who hit me just now grumbled with a very, very angry face.

“Sorry, I didn't hear Uncle.”'s warning Sorry while bowing politely.

“You it...” His speech stopped. The index finger that had been pointing in front of my face spontaneously he lowered. Uncle was laughing cynically with both hands that ruffled waist. “..pantes aja not denger.” The voice of the uncle swallowed and then took two steps forward in front of me. “Basic deaf!” His words were slow, but pressing at the end.

My body stiffens. I'm deaf, but are all deaf people that bad? Can't you give a warning in a slow way? Can't you use any other words than to point out the direct harsh accusation like that?

I am indeed deaf. I am indeed disabled. I am different. But should I be differentiated and maki? Not being able to hear is not my desire either. Should I wear a nametag with the words ‘I'm Deaf’ so that everyone knows and doesn't bump into me?

Should I tell the world who I am?

I hold the hearing aid in my ear. One of my hands held onto my chest which was suddenly painful. I'm sorry, but the truth is I'm deaf, but I'm hurt.

“Udah, Uncle was just an emotion and in a hurry. No need to enter into the heart.” Kenzie smiled gently. Slowly wiping my shoulders channeled the spirit from within him.

I smiled wryly returning her smile. Nodding a little and we walked back.

Along the way to the parking lot, I kept thinking about what Uncle said. Is he a person who has a deficiency? Is it wrong to be a row of disabled people?

Being disabled, not my wish. Can the whole world stop insulting me?