I'm Sorry to Throw You Out

The Bloodless Pain

"Do you really not want who I am, Beautiful?" asked Rajesh with eyes holding back the dam of tears that once blinked it is sure to have fallen apart.

Zoya, who is called Beautiful by Rajesh in the hope that the name can carry a memory of Rajesh, in fact only shakes weakly.

"Son, right you don't remember it at all?" Karin asked softly while rubbing the top of Zoya's head.

Zoya kept shaking her head without taking her gaze off Rajesh. Rajesh feels his knees are getting weaker and it feels unable to support his own body. Rajesh fell down in a tight position. It surprised everyone except Zoya.

"It's so bad for me that you don't even remember me. I deserve it, Beautiful. Or whoever you are now. I deserve not to be remembered. I'm just a useless human who should never be present in your life." Rajesh sobbing.

His heart ached to find this truth. One side he accepts, but the other side of the heart that still wants Zoya feels heavy receiving.

It hurts more to remember the status among those who are still legitimate as husband and wife. In the past, it felt like he wanted to quickly divorce her but now why does it not feel so easy? Used to choose to survive because of the legacy of Wardoyo's grandfather, now even it seems that all that is not a consideration.

Rajesh only wants Zoya who in fact does not recognize him at all.

"Son, try to slowly remember it." pinta Karin.

Karin asks Zoya to remember not because she wants Zoya to return to Rajesh but Karin wants her son and daughter-in-law to be able to continue what is already interwoven with clear memories and thoughts of course. Whether they want to re-knit the bonds of the household, whether they want to finish it, Karin leaves all the decisions in Zoya's hands.

"Ma, I don't remember at all. I think I just saw it this once. Who is he? So should I remember that?? How important is she in my life until I really have to remember her???"

Rajesh's heart felt torn apart to hear it. Smooth but successful destroy his heart and soul. It is better to be slapped, beaten or even beaten to the point of bleeding than to have to hear Zoya's innocent question.

It hurts but it doesn't bleed.

"He was it, Rajesh. Him,,,"

"Rajesh, or whoever you are, sorry. I can't remember you. If before today we ever had a relationship, if I ever had a mistake with you, I'm sorry. I beg you to understand. I have limitations at the moment. Just an apology I can give now and I don't know when. I feel so happy just remembering who my parents were and my brother and that good woman were."

Zoya quickly cuts off Karin's talk who would have originally told Rajesh. Zoya insists that she is happy with Karin, Delvara and Rati.

"Sorry, I feel pretty happy with them. And whoever you are, seek your own happiness. You deserve to be happy even without me." Zoya spoke again and Rajesh tearfully returned.

His world seemed to be broken into pieces. It cannot be recovered and repaired anymore. Ruffled.

"Son, Mama, I appreciate whatever your decision is. But mama hope you are not rash to make a decision. You have not fully recovered. It's not all that easy either. You guys are,,,"

"Aaaawww,," Zoya held her head and looked in pain.

"Zoya, why are you, son? What's that sick??" Karin panic.

"Mbok, call the doctor." he said later when Zoya suddenly fainted.

Mbok Rati panics but can still think and remember that calling the doctor is enough with the emergency button. Immediately pressed it repeatedly.

"Ma, Zoya why ma??" Rajesh panics and stands up to Zoya's gurney.

"don't know. Let the doctor check first." said Karin without looking.

The doctor and his team came. As usual they will ask the family out first to give their space to do their duties.

"This is because of Rajesh!!" rati shouted suddenly while accusing Rajesh.

Mbok Rati was so unable to hold back and his emotions were thrown away just like that. Surprisingly, Rajesh just fell silent and did not fight back or hurt at all was treated so by his former aides.

"Husst mbok, you can't say that." Karin reminded.

"Well, if it wasn't for the Rajesh den coming in and forcing Indah nduk to think hard to remember it, it would have been fine Indah." mbok Rati had started crying grieving for Zoya.

"Stay still mbok, can't talk like that. Everything that happened has come out of HIM. We should pray for Zoya the same." Karin continues to try to calm down Rati.

It's not that Karin isn't sad about what happened to Zoya again. Nor was he worried about Zoya. But Karin prefers to surrender to HIM. Try your best to act. And as much as possible do not blame any party because Karin does not feel that good to judge the ugliness of other humans. Good and bad, let his Lord decide.

"Maafkan Rajesh, ma. Semua yang dikatakan mbok Rati memang benar adanya. Ini semua terjadi karena kedatangan Rajesh. Seandainya Rajesh tidak memaksa masuk dan membuat Zoya berpikir keras, mungkin saat ini dia tetap tersenyum bersama kalian." lirih Rajesh.

"That's it. Just pray for him." said Karin.

Rajesh nodded though in his heart still could not forgive himself which indirectly must be the cause of Zoya's condition back drop.

"Save him God. He deserves to be alive and happy. If there is any pain, just give it to me. Let me endure it. I am willing to share his suffering. He's been suffering for a long time, don't burden him any more."

Rajesh prays sincerely for Zoya. Ignoring his own happiness and this is the first time Rajesh expects good things for others.

"Run up Zoya. Live on. I still want to see your smile. I still want to fight for you. Regaining your heart and love that are currently still stuck with your memory. I don't want to give up so soon, my wife. Wake up. Your husband rules you." Rajesh's mind.

At the same time the doctor came out of Zoya's room.

"The patient is conscious. But I ask not to be disturbed first. Let him rest first."

"Alhamdulillah." All give thanks.

"My sister why doc??" Delvara who had been called by Karin came in contact with the goopoh and immediately questioned Zoya's condition.

"His intentions should not be too forced. He does remember, but not everything seems to be. Either it is so, or part of him refuses to remember. Don't forced. Slow down. Keep away from things or from anyone who might have hurt her or had her traumatized."

The doctor ordered then. Leaving all who are now staring intently at Rajesh.

"Are you self-conscious enough to get out of here without us being kicked out??" sindir Delvara's.

Rajesh swallowed his saliva with great difficulty. With a heavy heart, he nodded and then walked away with a heavy heart and feet.

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...With love, ...

...Authors....