Dusk And Suffering

10. I Am A Wound

"Senja, ask for money to buy my needs." Manda handed over a hand asking for a monthly allowance that Dusk had been responsible for since he worked at a fancy restaurant.

With no hesitation and a smile that was still sweetly reviewed, Dusk gave most of his salary to the Mother. He kept only a few hundred for himself and perhaps there was an urgent need.

Then he went back to his room. On this special day, Dusk wants to spend time with his grandmother. He wanted to collect his grandmother's debt ten years ago.

Today is exactly the age of Twenty years. The day he had been waiting for, the day he had to set his heart to know his mother's past. With a ready step and strapping, he stepped foot closer to the weathered bed that he always used for bedding.

"Good morning, Grandma," said Dusk cheerfully.

"Good morning. You're off today? What makes you this good. Tell Grandma" replied Patmi trying to sit down.

"Today is my twenty year anniversary. Don't tell me Grandma forgot Grandma's promise" Dusk warned.

Ms. Patmi breathed a deep breath, "Are you going to be ready to be born inner hearing Grandma's story?" ask Mrs Patmi make sure.

"Ready, even I've been waiting for this moment from a long time," replied Dusk reassuringly.

"All right." Ms. Patmi stared at the wall of her room whose color was starting to change. "Twenty years ago, your mother came home late for her college work. She came home alone, halfway through, your mother suffered a disaster that traumatized her for several months. He was raped by a young man he didn't know. Your mother said it was possible that the young man and your mother were the same age. The young man liked your mother a long time ago, but he never said. He's just monitoring your mom. Nor did she know why the young man was doing that." Ms. Patmi looked at Dusk who still looked calm, but her eyes were already filled with tears.

"When your mother woke up from her sleep, the young man was no longer there and left the book you were now carrying. You also know, is there a home address in the book? One month after the incident your mother was pregnant. He was completely destroyed and his world seemed to collapse. But Mother and Pakde were always by her side, we were not at all angry or blaming your mother. We went to the address of the house in the book. In the hope that the young man is responsible for what he has done. But once there, the owner of the house was different. The young man who impregnated your mother has moved abroad. That's what we heard from the residents of the house. From then on your mother turned into what she is now and finally your mother has no conscience anymore." Bu Patmi's tears are dripping.

"So what do people say that I'm an illegitimate child? I used to wonder why Mom was like this, why my mom was different from other moms. If only I had known this from the beginning, I would have walked away from Mom's life. Mother's wounds will definitely increase and widen when she sees me. I am Mother's wound. I'm gonna go find Dad, Grandma. I have to find him" said Dusk wiping his tears.

"Where are you looking? We have no leads other than the address in the book. Already, don't look for him. Take care of your own life and don't take care of your father. Not necessarily he's alive."

"Do I have to shut up, Grandma? I don't accept what Dad did. He's not a good man. He has to pay for what he has done. Not only Mom's wounds, but mine too. I'm hurt because of Dad." Dusk could no longer hold back the pace of her tears.

"What are you gonna do? Don't act like your mother! Grandma forbids you from looking for her, not that Grandma takes away the chance to meet her. You're angry with your dad, aren't you? What about throwing away this book will all change? You want to meet your father, right? There's nothing you can do if you throw away your father's only thing. You'll never meet her, Dusk!"

The twilight was silent, sitting limply on the floor. He roared in Grandma's arms. He never thought that the father would throw himself and his mother away.

"I didn't think I was born from rape. Why would God give me a lifeline like this, Grandma?" ask Dusk with a weakened tone.

"Senja, you said to Grandma that you are ready to be born and your mind hears this fact. Then why are you so fragile now? Prove that if you can get through this, you have come here, you can get to this point, you must be proud of yourself. Prove you can be happy in your own way."

"Let me go, Grandma. I am Mother's wound. If I wasn't around Mom, I'd be able to move on with life well."

"Nobody can change my life for the better. Whatever you do will not be able to restore all my time and pride. I should have told you about this a long time ago, at least you could have left earlier. And I have a chance to fix my life. My age is no longer young. There's nothing I can start from a household. And all this because of you two, your father and also you," hardened Manda in a calm and slow tone but felt to kill Dusk slowly.

I don't know since when Manda was standing on the doorstep. Whether he heard all the conversations his son and mother had as a whole or half nobody knew.

Nothing has changed from Manda. The woman was not well with her son. If Manda was always angry, hit and berate Dusk. No longer when Dusk dewesa, Manda had never again given a punch or censure it but every word thrown by Manda made Dusk feel killed by his own mother slowly. Manda's words are like poison that eats away at his life slowly but will surely kill him.

"I also don't want to be born from the rape of my mother. If I could choose I would also prefer to die. I don't want to live in this world, but my parents don't want me. I don't want this either, Mom. That's why I want to just leave, let me live alone and in my own way."

"You'll never get out of here. You still have debt to me, debt to raise you. Don't forget that. You'll let me go when you get married to a rich man. Just calm down, I'll find a husband for you. Let you be free of me. You want to go, right? I'll grant you, but don't go alone, go with your husband later. I'll find you a rich man, so he can pay your debt."

"Will you sell me?" tanya Dusk.

"It's up to you to call it how."