Assalamu'Alaikum Love

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Fazas

“Lamaran?”

Just two mouthfuls I put the fried rice in my mouth when I said that to me. Proposal. A simple word that made me lose my appetite for breakfast this morning. We shouldn't have talked about heavy things like this when we were all having breakfast together in the morning. But I think you have a good reason why the man didn't wait until later tonight and chose to say it now.

“Application for Faza, bah?” not only me, Wahyu mas who is usually reluctant to interfere and cut the sentence abah, this time even put his spoon on a plate of fried rice that still contains half. Looking back at me before looking at me with a really hard look.

“That night you met a friend at the assembly, and he asked you, Za.”

“Abah friends know Faza?”

“Pak Burhan, several times he and abah were involved in the same project. And we often chat about you and Arifin, the boy of Mr. Burhan.”

Application without knowing who is applying. After a long time I only heard the term from Ummi Usammah and Ummi Haidar, finally now I hear it from abah. And the way you convey to me so calmly that there is a man named Arifin who is about to propose to me makes me lose my words. In our family, as well as for me who spent many years living in a boarding house, such a thing is nothing new.

In the past, when I was still living in the cottage, many times I watched the elderly dantri mbak-mbak santri married by abah kyai with men whom they did not even know before. Ainun and I also watched their wedding a lot. Two people who had never known each other before were separated and were not allowed to meet before the man uttered the qabul ijab in front of the kyai and the witnesses.

It is very simple, as simple as saying the ijab qabul to then make them legitimate in the eyes of religion and government. It sounds very conservative, but I feel a novelty that I have never felt when I saw the santri mbak-mbak said hamdallah many times after he was legally married by a man of choice abah kyai. There was a sense of joy that filled my heart when I realized that two people who did not know each other before could be so trusting to be united in a bond called marriage.

“Faza not ready, bah.” I scooped back the fried rice from my plate to cover the sudden rage that had infiltrated my heart. Dare not lift your face to look at you and choose to glance at the Revelation sitting opposite me.

It's true that there's always a sense of haru that I can't explain every time I watch the wedding of the cottage with their husband. It's just that I'm not ready for things like that at all. My thoughts as a 20-year-old young girl still cannot understand what marriage and sacred bonds are with the opposite sex.

“Not because you're close to a man are you, Za?” this time I choked on the rest of the fried rice in my mouth that I hadn't had time to swallow. Brave to look at Abah who is also looking at me with a probing look. Again, I can not refuse to admit that it is not uncommon to worry about my association on campus. Even though I made sure I went to college in Islam and fortified me with long clothes and a wide headscarf, I still couldn't just let go without worrying about my daughter's company.

“Subhanallah, not bah. Faza was not ready for such things. Not because Faza is being close to someone.”

In fact, the clothes worn by a person cannot represent what the person is like. Many of my hijab-wearing college friends like me still often struggle with their male friends without feeling the slightest guilt on the clothes attached to their bodies. Even with those who only veiled ordinary but so polite in acting and like reluctant to be close to the men. So, I obviously can't blame you for the question that the man gave me.

“Ta’aruf-an only first. If you feel fit with Arif mas, can continue. If not, it's okay. Abah won't force you, nduk.”

Again, for the umpteenth time you've given me all the decisions for everything that concerns me. Just like ten years ago when you offered me to go to bed at my tenth age. Even so when he offered me a proposal from a man named Arifin who even had his name just heard once. There is no compulsion that I give to me.

But still the decision that I have to consider this time is much heavier than the decision I had to make ten years ago. Because the decision to get married at the age of 20 is not as serious as having to go into bed at the age of 10. That's why I just nodded assentingly when I offered to do ta’aruf with Mr. Burhan's son.

* * * * *

But even if you leave all the decisions about the proposal to me, I still can't stop thinking about our brief conversation this morning. Even during the lecture half an hour ago my mind could not focus at all on the material described by the lecturer about Islamic banking courses. Many times I took a deep breath and hoped that all the turmoil I felt would be slightly lessened. Just to realize if things are as serious as a proposal can not be ignored just like that.

“Try me to find out who and what is Arifin mas,” even the phrase mas Wahyu that he said to me when driving me to campus can not reduce the burden of my mind since this morning.

Perhaps my older brother knew that I did not agree with this proposal but did not have enough courage to tell my brother and reject the man's decision.

“Mas Apocalypse does not suspect like abah ‘kan?” ask me in a timid tone. I have to admit though sometimes Wahyu mas can be an older brother who plugs in his younger sister, his sister, but Wahyu also can always put himself as a good brother to me if our situation is not so good.

“Suspected like what?” like now, even though I have put on a face of compassion and pleading, still the Revelation still finds a gap to tease me with that annoying question.

“Mas,”

“No, deck. How many years do you think you've known you? Even though we lived apart for seven years, we still know you for a lifetime. And mas know that you will not break the rules you have made for yourself.”

Also true. In fact, Revelation is still a 26-year-old man who I can always count on whenever I am too afraid to just talk to you. The Revelation has always been my listener even if it is just listening to my story about what is possible for some people is not important. Revelation can always take a sufficient portion whenever it listens and responds to my story.

Although sometimes there are some things that we cannot agree on, but the Revelation never exaggerates the problem and chooses not to discuss it when with me. Again, everyone has a different understanding of some things. So do I and the Revelation. The fact that we are two siblings does not necessarily make us always agree and agree.

“Something bad happen, Za?” hana asked without hesitation as soon as we passed the stairs to the second floor when I had just returned from the museum and Hana had just had breakfast, which was actually more worthy of being called lunch.

“Nope,” I answered not forgetting with a thin smile.

Of course I know why Hana suddenly asked such an insignificant thing to me without any further ado. Hana has been puffed with my habit of lingering in the campus museum whenever there is a problem. And I just did. Quiet in the campus museum since the first hour course ended an hour ago. For almost an hour I sat in a deserted musolah and thought of the words of my brother and the Revelation that seemed to keep ringing in my head. Repeatedly took a deep breath only for the anxiety I felt to be slightly reduced.

“No need to lie like that, Za. How long do you think I've known you?” I couldn't help but give Hana a typical grin of a Faza Aulia to justify the girl's guess.

Telling Hana about why I became upset like this was certainly not an option I would take. The two of us were close, only that there were always things like being stuck on the tip of my tongue whenever I wanted to convey it to Hana. Including feelings about the opposite sex. I don't know if it's because I'm still too innocent about things like that, or because I feel that talking about things like that is taboo.

Never once have I talked about feeling toward the opposite sex with my close friends, even though they were Hana and Ainun. All this time I kept feeling like enough for myself. Maybe in the past when I was in the cabin Ainun and I often bragged about the issue of feelings for the opposite sex, also about the dream wedding. But really, everything we talked about was nothing more than a last-minute chat between two teenage responsibilities who were looking for a diversion for a sense they shouldn't be feeling.

Ah, maybe later. One day maybe I will have enough courage to share all my feelings with Hana and Ainun. Although until now I do not know ‘some time when’ was.

“Sometimes facial expressions are enough to give a clear answer, Za.” And Hana, I think this girl is sensitive enough not to look for me with annoying questions and to ask me to explain why I'm so upset.

“Obviously I'm covering up something from you, Han. Why do you feel like you are not disturbed at all?” Either because of my melancholy mood since morning or because I really wanted to ask Hana that insignificant thing as soon as we sat on the sofa to wait for our second lecture hour. And instead of being offended, Hana just laughed a little before patting me on the shoulder.

“Everyone has restrictions on what things they need to share with others.” Starting Hana while waving her hand at a student who greeted her. “Sama like you who can't share your problems with me. And I just need to appreciate it ‘ right? I thought if you didn't tell me, it meant you weren't ready to tell me. That's as simple as that, Za.”

Maybe it should be that simple enough. As simple as me and Hana who appreciate what we keep for ourselves. It's just that, things like that don't often make me think that Hana and I aren't really close.

“It's okay if you don't want to tell me about your problem yet, Za. And I have no right to force you to tell stories just because we were roommates for so many years.” Suddenly the conversation with Hana made me think back to Ainun. “As long as you can still keep all that alone, that means you have found a storytelling place that is much better and much safer than I ‘kan?”

And somehow, I seemed to find a lot of similarities between Hana and Ainun despite the fact that they were two completely different people. The thinking between Hana and Ainun was almost the same. Equally able to keep up with my complicated thoughts with their tactical thinking.

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