Assalamu'Alaikum Love

Tatazawajani thing ?

Fazas

A week has passed since I read the personal data belonging to Arifin who made me upset for a long time and brother who always gave a demanding look to me. Just a demanding gaze without even once asking me directly about the decision I made for the application from Arifin mas. But still getting a look like that from an unmitigated abah makes me careless myself. Plus the mother who has asked several times even though none of her questions contain coercion so that I immediately give a decision about the application.

“Mother does not blame you if until now you have not been able to give a decision on abah, nduk.” Mom said two days ago while I was helping her cook our family dinner. “But procrastinating on such a thing is also not a good thing, right?”

“Faza not ready, bu.” My whisper's weak. Not afraid of mother, but I was holding back the tightness in the chest that somehow seemed to be crammed every time I talked about this matter with mother or Revelation.

“Deciding something like this is indeed not as simple as deciding where you will go to college and what majors you will take. But still you have to decide, baby.”

Of course I know that sooner or later I have to make a decision on you. About whether I accepted Arifin's application or I rejected the man's proposal and asked Arifin to find another woman. I also know that deciding on something like this is not as simple as where I'm going to college and what I'm going to major in. It's not that simple because I know the decisions I make will be held accountable until the next day.

“Za know, mom. It's just that Za doesn't yet know which decision Za should take.”

“Whatever your decision, Za. I know you can make the best decision for Arifin's application. Accept or refuse. There is nothing better or worse between those two things.”

It does. Accept or refuse. Just because I rejected Arifin's proposal, it wasn't the worst decision I made. Even so if I accept it, it does not mean I have made the best decision.

“Change,” and after hearing the mother's advice two days ago, and after gathering determination since morning, then tonight I will give myself to meet the brother who sits on the porch of the house after returning from the mosque. Sitting next to my brother and watching the cup of black coffee I knew was prepared by my mother a moment ago. A cup of black coffee that is still full and like not touched just a little stuff.

“There are those who want Za to talk to abah.” At first after a while we just fell silent and I was still busy composing sentences to convey to abah. While the man seemed to know what I wanted to say and chose to wait for his daughter to talk without being forced.

“About what?” I asked softly and looked at me. Just like mother, there is no demanding tone from the question abah. But, somehow it was precisely that kind of tone that made it too difficult for me to say the decision I was about to make.

“About application mas Arifin.”

I saw him take a deep breath and exhale him back slowly. Grabbing his still-full cup of coffee and sipping it slowly before turning back to me. Makes me see the frown on her face and makes me think about when was the last time I actually noticed my face?

“Is it okay if Za receives Arif's application while Za himself is still in doubt about Za's feelings, bah?”

Yes, after so many days I wrestled with myself and thought about what I really felt, and about what made it so hard for me to make this decision. Now I'm beginning to understand that the reason behind the turmoil I feel is a feeling.

The feeling I felt from when but when I realized it had grown so strong. I know that it's too early for me to say that this feeling is what makes me so hard to make a decision about Arifin's application. But inevitably I have to admit it too if what was said by the Revelation the other day is true. About someone who had unwittingly made my heart adrift.

“What kind of feeling, nduk?”

What kind of feeling? I myself do not know what I really should call the feelings that bother me at this time. I just feel like there's someone I want to replace Arifin's mas. I want that guy to propose to me, and not Arifin.

“Faza don't know, bah.” I couldn't help but cry as well after all these days of holding back this disturbing feeling for myself. “Faza don't want to disappoint abah. By Allah Faza wants to make abah.” happy And without me knowing, the tears that for several days I held half to death spilled also in my arms. Feeling this man's hand that was beginning to wrinkle hugged me and rubbed the top of my head.

Again about someone I want. But if I ask my little heart, I have to admit that I really want that person. Look at the sharp eyes hidden behind his glasses. His smile that looks so sincere, as well as his tone that is so won in fact has unconsciously made me expect more from him. It's just that I know that this kind of feeling is not justified and I can't let this kind of feeling continue to grow in my heart.

“Faza likes it, bah.” I finally confessed to you too. I could never lie to you about how I felt. “Za can not give a decision about the application mas Arifin because there are feelings that Za save for the man.” not only on my brother, I also can no longer lie to myself. About me who kept trying to think of the man as a lecturer who passed on knowledge to me, even though half-dead I held back the feelings I had for him.

“Za knows this is not true. But Za doesn't know what Za should do, bah.”

“What boy is your college friend, nduk?” asked abah after taking off her embrace and letting me shrink my nose which started to fill with snot and made my voice sound strange.

“Not, bah.”

“Maybe you're tired of hearing it, Za. But really, you never intend to force you with desires abah.” Saying that while touching my shoulder and asking me to return his gaze. “Inah accepts Arifin's proposal purely because I love you and don't want you to get caught up in such feelings.”

Trapped feeling. I still have a hard time defining the feelings I've been feeling about the man lately. So, how could you say that I'm stuck with my own feelings? Or, am I the one who is still so naive that I think of such a thing I cannot do it?

“Bah,”

“But you certainly know if such feelings are not justified by God. It is inappropriate for a woman to harbor such feelings towards a man.”

“Za never told her about this feeling, bah.” In fact, sometimes I'm still Faza Aulia the young 20-year-old girl who wants to defend her opinion.

“Yes, I know that you will not tell the man your feelings. But isn't the longer you keep that feeling, the longer you commit adultery, Za?”

If only the one who said this was not my brother, the man I respected the most in the world, then maybe I was already angry with him. But really, he was the brother who gave me the name Faza Aulia and did not want his daughter to get dissolved in the wrong feelings.

“There's nothing wrong with feeling like that, Za. The feeling of love is indeed a fitrah that must be felt by humans.”

Love feelings. Is it true that what I feel for that man is a feeling of love? It would be too much to name this feeling that I still doubt as love.

“But wouldn't it be better if you gave that feeling to God? Let Him take care of your feelings, nduk. If that man is your soul mate, then no one will be able to hinder you even if it is abah.” Started again after a while I was still silent and like I did not want to reply to his sentence. Not that I don't want to reply, but I'm at a loss for words. “Let those feelings grow with the permission of God, nduk.”

But in fact I shook my head to hear the last sentence. I still don't understand if I should make this decision, or if it's just a decision that a daughter has to make because she doesn't want to upset her father.

But I've been thinking about it. About the decision I was about to make, also about the feelings I felt towards that man.

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