Assalamu'Alaikum Love

H2C

Fazas

As I and I talked about last week, this afternoon I will meet with Arifin mas who will come to visit home with his uncle. There was a sense of relief that I saw emanating from my face since yesterday afternoon when talking about the meeting today. Although occasionally I could still see a streak of guilt when I accidentally saw me and our gazes met for a few seconds.

I understand why you feel guilty about me, but choose to shut up and let me go. Of course it had something to do with our conversation a week ago where I confessed that I liked a man. Abah did not oppose me because of my confession, but clearly you also did not approve of my feelings.

“But wouldn't it be better if you gave that feeling to God? Let Him take care of your feelings, nduk. If that man is your soul mate, then no one will be able to hinder you even if it is abah.”

I put my feelings on God.

I've already done it. I've put my feelings where they should be so I don't have to feel tormented myself every time I see the man. It's just that, sometimes the feelings I've put down and kept neat are rebellious and demanding to be expressed. Every time I met the man, or every time we accidentally stare, the feeling I have been holding is even more wildly controlling my heart until sometimes I have trouble controlling it myself.

Not that I wasn't trying. I have tried my best to control my feelings for the man, not even infrequently I deny and fool myself by saying that I do not like him at all.

“Dek,”

I took a deep breath when I realized someone was standing in the doorway of my room and looking at me who was still sitting on the side of the bed. Mas Wahyu which since yesterday afternoon is no less upset with me. My older brother even repeatedly asked me if I was okay or not.

“It is still not too late if you refuse this meeting.” he said without further ado while pulling my study chair and sitting facing me.

“This is a new meeting, mas. Not ijab qabul.” My canda tries not to make the atmosphere between me and the Revelation cold and melancholy impressed. I never told the Revelation about the man I liked, but even though I didn't tell him, my brother is too good at looking at his sister's face until Revelation understands what I feel.

“Lantas what kind of feeling will you give to Arifin if your feeling is already tied to another man, Za?” the question was almost the same as the one Ainun had given me a few days ago. The question again made me curse myself for not being able to master such feelings.

I feel that I am very bad because I am willing to do ta’aruf with Arifin mas while my heart is fixed on Mr. Gibran. Yes, now I even dare to admit that I like my lecturer.

“Mas just don't want you to feel overwhelmed by this introduction, dek.”

“But I don't want to let you down, mas.”

“Do you not want to say your feelings to that man at all?” ask Wahyu while getting out of the chair and sitting on the edge of the bed beside me. Touching my shoulder and asking me to raise my face and return his gaze. Again the question of Revelation reminds me of my meeting with Ainun.

“Not to lower your self-esteem as a woman, deck. But it's the best way that you can let go of the burden in your heart. At least the man knows that you hold feelings for him. And if the man does understand religion, he will reject you if he does not like you, and will propose to you if he also has feelings for you.” connect the Revelation which again makes my face feel exposed.

If only my thoughts could be as simple as what the Revelation says, I would certainly express my feelings to Mr. Gibran. Told the man that I had even been fascinated by him since our first meeting four years ago. Saying everything I feel and letting the man make up his mind. Revelations are true, at least my feelings will be a little more relieved and I do not continue to hope that Arifin mas is Mr. Gibran.

“I dare not, mas. Besides, it doesn't seem appropriate if I express feelings to my own lecturer.” but in fact I don't have that much courage to tell Mr. Gibran that I like him.

“Your lecturer? So you like your own lecturer?”

“Name Gibran Wibisana.” I just nodded to answer the question of Revelation that sounded shocked. “We met in Blora four years ago.”

“If only I hadn't lent him an umbrella, mas. If only I had been quiet at that time and would not have had to look at him. If only I did not remember our meeting four years ago.” this time I could not finish my own sentence. Feeling my throat being choked and my chest feeling tight.

“If God has indeed predestined Gibran Wibisana as your soul mate, I am sure that he feels the same way as you do. If God did match you two, I'm sure he'll soon meet abah.” Whisper the Wahyu while rubbing my back repeatedly. “But if Allah predestines Arifin who is your soul mate, God willing after this you will fall in love with him in a beautiful way, dek.”

Guess who really became my soul mate. Arifin or Mr. Gibran. I really have no power over something like that. And keep trying to guess will only make me continue to hope that Mr. Gibran is my soul mate. That's why I just nodded in affirmation before letting my older brother wipe my tears and take me out because Arifin and his uncle were already in the living room.

True too, if it was Arifin mas who became my soul mate, I would definitely fall in love with her in a beautiful and noble way. Doesn't God always have a beautiful scenario for His servant? Even so, if Mr. Gibran who God destined to perfect half my religion, He will certainly move the heart of Mr. Gibran to come to you. Wouldn't if two people were in a match, God would move both hearts? Not just one.

___________

“Then, let's set the wedding date. Isn't faster better?”

Instantly I raised my face while casually om Lukman gave the proposal, which of course was welcomed by my brother. Really, we only met two hours ago, and now om Lukman and you already want to determine the date of my wedding and mas Arifin? Indeed, there is nothing too fast in this case, and it is true what Lukman said if the faster the better. It's just, I'm still too heavy to agree to that request.

‘Didn't if he was my soul mate, I would feel my fine-grained blood and my heart beating uncharacteristically when our gazes met? Then, why does it feel like there is nothing special that I feel when our gazes scatter?’

Even those questions kept ringing in my head until I unknowingly sat beside the Revelation for almost two hours, and listen to the conversation between abah and om Lukman and mas Arifin who occasionally chimed in chatter. While I just kept quiet and let my mind wander somewhere.

“How about next month only? It is not good to let Faza and Arifin get to know each other without any ties.” Lukman's proposal again that makes me lift my face and look at abah. “How, Faza?” at a glance I turned towards the Arifin mas who was still as relaxed as before. The man even smiled at me so politely. Just that, such a smile was unable to fascinate me and fall in love.

“Next month? Isn't it too fast, om?” ask me to vent.

“No word ‘too fast’ for a noble thing like this, nduk.”

“It's not so, bah. But next month a lot of Faza agenda on campus.” I started after getting my senses back though not completely. Really, hearing a wedding plan isn't something I'd like to hear right away on a Saturday afternoon like this. “There is a national seminar that Za must take care of and also the final exam that will be held the following month.”

“Then how about after Faza finishes the final test only, bah?” this time I not only frowned, I even grabbed the left hand of Revelation and grasped it firmly while taking a deep breath repeatedly.

If the groom has opened his voice, then what else can I do? What kind of alibi should I say to my brother and om Lukman?

“Let Za think about it first, bah.” And as if to understand what I was thinking, the Revelation who had just quietly ventured to propose to abah, om Lukman and also mas Arifin. “Not that Revelation wants to contribute too much, it's just that Za must not be ready if you have to give such an important decision right now.” I don't know how to react abah, I don't know, om Lukman and also mas Arifin heard the phrase mas Wahyu. But really, I will be very grateful to my brother so mas Arifin and om Lukman resigned.

“I hope mas Arifin and om Lukman can understand it.” Continue the Revelation again before embracing my shoulder and inviting me inside. “Wahyu and Za please resign bah, om Lukman, mas Arifin.”

If it's like this, then what else can I do besides curse and blame myself? Blaming me for being so scared even if only to reject this introduction. Blaming myself for not even daring to tell you that I didn't want this marriage.

“Tell me, mas. Is it wrong if I tell Gibran my feelings? Is it wrong that I confess to her about my feelings?”

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