Assalamu'Alaikum Love

Oma Aleta's

Fazas

My lover

And he turned away after saying that to me. She turned and left me crying like a stupid girl who had just been dumped by her lover. Makes me continue to apologize until my chest feels very tight and my throat is choked by an unreturned apology.

My lover

It hurts so much to hear him call me his lover in such a tone. It felt so tight when I had to watch his back move away that it finally disappeared behind the door of the campus and left me in the parking lot alone.

‘If you are not a match with that man, may Allah match you with someone better than him, dear. Better according to God, not in your opinion.’

After everything that happened this afternoon, then how can I look at her without feeling guilty and make my chest feel even more crowded? How will I have to follow his lecture and see him as a lecturer without being distracted by the fact that the man once called me by the word ‘belovedku’?

‘Yes Allah, I really don't know if matters of the heart can be as painful as this.’

Let people think of me as a strange girl crouching and crying in front of the campus gate. Right now I just want to do it. I just wanted to cry until I no longer needed to feel this excruciating pain.

“Faza,”

I even forgot that I was waiting for Revelation to come and pick me up when Mr. Gibran held my steps and we had a conversation that made me end up like this. But I'm sure if the man who just called my name wasn't Revelation, really, I still miss my brother's voice.

“Mas Arifin,” I muttered softly when I found a man in a white polo shirt standing two steps away from me and looking at me sluggishly. There was a highlight that could not be taken from that gaze.

“Tadi mas Wahyu said that you came home tonight because you have to take care of the seminar, so I think it would not hurt if I picked you up because Wahyu mas is in a meeting.” Obviously Arifin without asking me to explain why he's here. Again there was a speck of guilt as I stood up and returned the man's gaze.

“Since when was Arifin here?” I wondered because I had not heard footsteps approaching me since.

“Pretty long,” and two seconds later I know if something bad has just happened here. Even though Arifin was still smiling at me, I still knew that after this, all the plans that had been prepared by my family and the Arifin family would not go well.

“Mas,”

“And my presence here is enough to make me understand that you are forced to accept my proposal, Za.”

“I can explain everything.” Of course I can't let Arifin's mas speculate too far about what she heard just a moment ago. It's gonna get even more complicated if I let this guy swallow what just happened between me and Mr. Gibran.

“No need, Za. Everything is clear enough and I understand.”

“Not like that, mas.”

“Sorry that all this time I've been pushing my will too hard. I'm sorry I neglected to notice your feelings, Za. I'm sorry.”

“I'm the one who should apologize here. Everything that Arifin heard about me and Mr. Gibran was nothing more than the last wind.” and that is a lie because I know that there is no wind then that makes me so angry that I cry uncontrollably in front of Mr. Gibran like before. It was not the wind.

Really, if it was just the wind then, I was sure that my chest would not be this painful when I saw her turn away with a bitter smile on her face. Even now, it feels like my chest is still so painful every time I take a deep breath and remember the last sentence.

“It's okay. We'd better go home because you'll be worried that you haven't come home this late.”

When I set foot to follow Arifin to his car, I realized that today, I had hurt two men. I have hurt the feelings of the man I love, and hurt the man who loves me. So, is it still appropriate that I still hope about a sincerity of two men that even I have broken his heart?

* * * * *

“Sick again?” hana asked without any further ado and directly pressed her right hand against mine as soon as the girl sat beside me. It made me lift my face and observe the class which was still quiet and only a few children had just entered because the class was still going to start in ten minutes.

“Why is the first hour not logged in?” ask me to distract Hana and lower the girl's hand from my forehead.

“Personality. And what did you do during the national seminar last Friday until it got sick like this?” but Hana is still Hana who can't just distract him. That's why I just put up my mainstay grin to answer Hana's question.

“Too tired maybe.” Lies. In fact, I am not a typical girl who will get sick just because she is too tired to take care of the national seminar held by LPM yesterday.

My health had been declining since Saturday, but it had absolutely nothing to do with the seminar the day before. Well, that sounds like an exaggeration, but I think the reason my health declined was the conversation between me and Mr. Gibran that afternoon, and I didn't sleep all night thinking about what had really happened between us.

Also think of Arifin mas and all the speculations about the man's feelings. Ah, without even thinking about it, I can actually guess what Arifin is feeling. Really, no man is okay when he witnesses his future wife expressing feelings to another man.

And that afternoon, as I followed Arifin's car with my eyes until it disappeared behind the corner, I realized one more thing, that my relationship with Arifin's mas would never be as good as it was before. Also about my relationship with my brother which I also believe is not as easy as before.

“Why did Wahyu ask Arifin to pick me up?”

“Mas Arifin didn't say that yesterday afternoon we had a meeting?”

“Say. I mean, why don't you ask me to go home alone? I can go home by myself.”

“Mas didn't ask Arifin to pick you up, deck. He offered to pick you up himself. And I don't think it's good girls come home alone that late.”

“Why can it be?” it was as if I was not satisfied with the answer that Revelation gave me. He made the Revelation take a deep breath and exhaled it back slowly before approaching me and sitting on the side of the bed.

“Because at that time mas Arifin asked you news, and I replied that that day you have not come home because you have to take care of the seminar, and after that you can know what happened.” Obviously, Wahyu slowly seemed to want to compensate me who sounded so angry and impatient.

“Something bad happened ‘kan?” that's not a question. It was the insistence that the Revelation gave me to tell him everything that happened to him.

“I've confessed to him, mas.” Again my eyes warmed up when I started telling Wahyu about what happened yesterday afternoon in the campus parking lot. “She asked me if there was a man who was abusing me or not, and at that time I confessed to her about my feelings.”

“And mas Arifin heard your confession?”

And my cry back could not be withstood when I nodded affirming the question of Revelation.

“I'm afraid you're disappointed in me, mas.”

“No, all will be fine.”

But still even though the Revelation had embraced me so tightly, I still felt fear. I'm afraid that something bad will happen after this. The thoughts and fears that ended with the recurrence of Magh that I suffered until I had to be taken to the clinic yesterday morning.

“Za, you heard no the hell?” and I almost jumped out of my chair in shock when Hana patted my arm.

“What?”

“Besides pain, you are having a lot of thoughts turns out.”

“No, who said that?”

“Nobody said. But your attitude is enough to make me understand that you're saving trouble.”

I was just about to refute Hana's words when the classroom door opened and a man entered the classroom. Making the entire class speechless and returning the greetings given by the man. Two seconds of us were shuffling around, but two seconds was enough to knock out my meager defense.

A thin smile that he gave me at the second our eyes met made me recall the look on his face Friday afternoon. Also her own face as the man turned away from me and left me still crying like a stupid girl.

“Everything that happens is already God destined to happen.”.

I repeated that sentence many times to make my heart a little better even though after that my feelings were back to being ungodly.

It would be a lie if I said that I never expected that the man who applied for my brother would be Gibran Wibisana.

Many times I even prayed that Mr. Gibran would realize my feelings even though I did not tell him. Although I was repeatedly let down by the ridiculous expectation itself and made me only able to sigh deeply. It is too grandiose that I go back to thinking what I asked God about Mr. Gibran. It's just, I always defend every thing I ask with an alibi if I'm still a 20-year-old girl with all the inner turmoil and feelings I feel.

“If two people have made a match, no matter how far the distance stretches, no matter how long it takes to separate, they will remain united. It could be that two people have been sure of each other that they will be a match, but in fact the two people are separated, that's not the name of a mate. As humans, we must understand that Allah ta’ala always has a beautiful way to unify.”

The advice after advice that Ummi Usammah gave me when I visited him in Blora a month ago also seemed to judge me by returning to ringing in my head without orders.

“Just like you who may not be sure who will be your soul mate, whether it's Arifin, or it's Gibran, or not both. But trust Za if God's plan is the most beautiful.”

I-i know. Even before I received the advice from Ummi Usammah, I had understood by myself the concept of a soul mate that God wrote for me even before I was born into this world. It's just that, again as a human being I always have a gap to complain and want more than what I can actually hold. Including wanting to find out earlier about who is really my soul mate.

“If Allah does not write Gibran Wibisana to be your soul mate, God willing, by God's permission your feelings will fade by themselves, dear. And if God wrote Arifin the Son as your soul mate, with the permission of God will also grow a deep love for him.”

That simple. Although actually I myself do not know when and how the feelings that I have already felt for Mr. Gibran will fade and be replaced with feelings for Arifin mas.

And it should all be that simple. As simple as giving up all the feelings I feel to God, the Owner of All tastes.

* * * * *