Assalamu'Alaikum Love

Misbehavior

Gibran

Aida Restansi

For the third time I spelled out a name stroke on the tombstone in front of me while taking a deep breath every once in a while. Get rid of the tightness that I always feel every time I visit this place.

Two days ago, after me, Abah and Faza returned from KUA to register our marriage, somehow the desire to visit Aida's grave was so strong it filled my heart. I want to visit Aida's grave and talk to her a lot like I do every time I visit. On the one hand I would love to visit Aida's grave, but on the other hand I feel that if I visit Aida's grave then I will hurt Faza.

“Ke Jakarta? Not that the big Gibran family will leave for Surabaya next Wednesday?” I still remember the confused face of Revelation when I expressed the intention to leave for Jakarta at night. Actually I wanted to say it directly to Faza, but I don't think it's good that we linger together on the porch of the house while I'm not the mahram.

“There is someone I want to meet, Yu.” It's true, it's just that that person doesn't exist in this world anymore.

“Can't if that person comes here with the big family on Wednesday?”

“Can't.” It was hard to tell the Revelation that the person I wanted to meet was actually dead six years ago.

“Actually I want to visit the grave of my former future wife Yu in Jakarta.” But in the end I was honest too even though I only dare to be honest with Revelation.

“Former wife candidates?”

“Please tell Faza if I leave for Jakarta later tonight. But please don't tell me I'm going to Jakarta to visit the grave of my ex-wife-to-be, Yu.”

There was not the slightest intention in my heart to hide who Aida Restanti was to Faza. One day I will tell the girl everything, who Aida is, about our past, and about the fact that she is not the first girl I have ever proposed to be my wife.

“Why mas?”

“Let Faza know from me, not from anyone else.”

And after weighing between leaving for Jakarta or not, in the end I left too even though it feels very heavy to leave Faza in Surabaya even if only for a few days. Wahyu even boasted that his sister would sulk when she found out that I went to Jakarta without saying goodbye to him. Well, even though I wish it was like that, anyway.

“Sorry for too long not visiting you, Da.”

Two years ago I last came to this tomb and put two white roses on top of this belly button in front of me.

Two years ago, and I think two years' time was enough to make my senses understand that there was no point in me messing with Aida. And maybe that's why this time it feels different from my previous visits. The tightness is still there, but it doesn't feel as painful as it did two years ago.

“I came to tell you something.” I started again after a while just silent observing the name Aida Restanti and occasionally get rid of the dry leaves that fall on the belly button.

“I'm getting married, Da. Like you said, I found a girl who made me unable to turn away from her. Also, let me give this ring to him.” It felt strange, but I still felt that I needed to ask Aida's permission to give the ring to Faza. Because from the beginning, I bought the ring for Aida, not for Faza.

“The name is Faza Aulia. One day, I introduced him to you, Da. And God willing, with him I will be happy and stop looking. As you once told me.”

Find someone who made me stop looking. Right too, how did I forget something this important for so many years? Aida told me that eight years ago. When I didn't dare tell Aida how I felt about her and we were still two students who didn't really understand what a relationship really meant.

“No grandiose criteria needed, mas. The important thing is that person can make me stop looking after finding it.” I still remember very well the answer Aida gave me when I asked her about the criteria of her dream man. The answer from a plain girl like Aida that I was just responding with a light laugh as if it was something funny.

“Masa? No need handsome and well-established?”

“Play is relative, mas. And if established can be sought later. The important thing is to be comfortable first.”

“What kind of security?”

“It's like when I'm with you for example.”

There was too much that Aida taught me during our time together. An Aida Restanti who looks like a strange girl, can understand me so much and teach me about simplicity. The one who taught me about hard work was Aida Restanti. It's also about true love. About someone who could make me stop looking after him after I found him.

“You're right And if all I need to do is find someone who makes me stop looking.” I thought I was going to cry like before, but there were no tears coming out of the corner of my eye. “As I found it.”

“Thank you for everything you taught me, Aida Restanti.”

___________

“Finally my most handsome brother is getting married.” I haven't even got an answer to the greeting I said as Renata's kitchen ran towards me and hugged me.

“Answered his greetings first, Nat.”

“Wa’alaikumsalam.”

I'm pretty sure Renata and I haven't seen each other in weeks, but I don't know why Renata's been acting like we haven't seen each other for years. This sister of mine even struggled spoiled after hugging me a moment ago.

Or could this be called ‘chemale’ syndrome felt by a younger sister when her older brother is getting married?

“Why you? Tumben mas come home you're so spoiled like this? Running out of pocket money?” after we sat down at the dinner table and put a glass of drinking water in front of me.

“I've been working, mas. No need for support from the Gibran mas anymore.” he said with a proud tone even though the next two seconds Renata's face changed into an innocent face like a younger sister who was really missing her older brother.

“Then? Why are you putting on a face like that?”

“No, just moved because suddenly I want to marry while just last month I asked permission from papa to apply for a girlfriend mas.”

“She's not my girlfriend, Nat.” is a simple thing, but it doesn't feel like Renata calls Faza my girlfriend while the girl has absolutely no idea what ‘dating’ is.

“Iya, that means the student of Gibran mas who next week mas married it.” Renata's unyielding correction makes me laugh. “It feels like just yesterday Gibran graduated from college, back and forth doing research, and next week he wants to be a husband.”

“You're so melancholy like this, Nat?” I actually have been able to capture well the reason why Renata became like this to me. It's just that I don't want to go along melancholy like my sister.

“Mas really love that girl ‘kan? Mas Gibran will be happy ‘kan with this wedding?”

“Nat,”

“Jawab only, mas.” Cut Renata out before I finish my sentence.

When I decided to propose to Aida at the age of 22, Renata was 16 and only cared about what clothes she wore on my wedding day with Aida. But now, realizing that my sister has transformed into a 22-year-old woman makes me understand that Renata deserves to know how her brother feels. Instead of asking for my opinion on what clothes he would wear, Renata asked me something I did not expect.

“Mas has never been this confident, Nat.” I replied unabated as well. “Faza is the first girl who can make mas forget that mas was once so heartbroken because of the departure of mbak Aida.” The truth is like that. That Faza Aulia is the first and only girl who can make me forget the heartbreak of losing Aida, and the girl who made me dare to go this far. “Insyaa Allah mas will be happy with Faza.”

“Let's see Faza later, I'll ask him.” and I don't know when Renata got out of her chair and hugged me once again so protectively as if I would fly if it wasn't hugged like that.

“Ask about what?”

“About how to get a husband like mas Gibran.” Renata replied in a confident tone without any intention of letting go of my embrace. Makes me return her embrace and think that maybe what Renata is experiencing is indeed felt by all the younger sisters in this world when her older brother is getting married. They may be afraid of losing the older brother who is their second father. They might also feel afraid in case they would lose their protective figure. Although in fact, until anytime a brother will still be a brother to his sister.

“Do not have to look for one like mas, Nat. Look for men who can make you feel comfortable, happy and safe. Find him who can make you stop looking.”

But the melancholic aura that Renata had been giving off was also contagious to me. It feels like a mix of sadness because after this I might not be able to visit Jakarta too often, and also a sense of happiness due to the fact that my spoiled sister has grown into an adult girl.

And I think everything should be like this. Renata doesn't have to look for someone like her older brother just because she loves her older brother and makes me a role model. Even like me who doesn't have to look for someone like Aida just because reality doesn't deny that I love that girl so much. All we needed to do was find someone who made us stop looking. Take a deep breath and confess to the universe that we want to spend the rest of our lives with her.

That simple.

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