Assalamu'Alaikum Love

Forgive and Peace

Fazas

If anyone asks me how I feel after Arifin says that he has canceled our wedding plans unilaterally, then I will answer that I myself do not even know what I feel. I don't know what I'm gonna have to say about the feeling I felt a week ago. Even until Arifin said goodbye to me and my mother and also the Revelation, I still have not found my sentence back.

My feelings were numb and my heart was broken for the umpteenth time. My heart is not broken because Arifin canceled our wedding plans unilaterally without negotiating with my family first. It's not because you decided to send me to Blora after I finish this semester. But my heart was broken because I realized that I had been so disappointing. I was disappointed in myself for not being able to control my feelings and disappointed my brother and family.

“Stop blaming yourself, deck. All indeed God has arranged to be like this.” even the advice for the advice that the Revelation gave me since a few days ago is not also able to make me regain my senses. The words that the Revelation spoke made me cry and cry in the end.

I know that all this happened because of God's intervention in it. Even so with the Arifin mas who will not cancel our marriage if only God does not want it. So what else can I do as a servant other than surrender to the One Who Is All-Regulating? Let alone anything as great as the matter of marriage between two men, a leaf falling from its twig has been perfectly arranged by God.

“You were not betrothed to Arifin mas, that's why Arifin canceled your wedding plans.”

There was indeed a hint of disappointment that I felt towards the Arifin mas when the man so easily cancelled our wedding plans three days ago. I am disappointed in Arifin mas who impressed so trivial things as big as a wedding. I was disappointed in the Arifin mas who had so demeaned my family's self-esteem that I had abandoned my intention to marry me just because of a confession.

“Aku bukan kecewa karena itu, mas.”

It's true, not all the disappointment I felt was because of the cancellation of my marriage with the Arifin mas. My disappointment in Arifin's mas isn't that big.

We're not a matchmaker.

That's the only belief I've always had from a week ago to today. Even about self-esteem, it does not deserve to feel I so exalted my family's self-esteem just because Arifin took such a big decision without my parents' approval. Mas Arifin has a reason, and I just need to appreciate that reason.

“You became like this because of your decision to exile you?”

Again I was at a loss for words and could only shake and cry. There was so much turbulent feeling in my heart from a week ago that I had trouble breaking it down myself. It all felt like a tangled thread so I couldn't find the tip and the base.

“Entahlah, mas. I've given everything to Allah.”

And in the end all I could do was to turn to God and follow the path He had given me. Leaning to His ordinance and contemplating my nature as a servant.

It is true that all need something called effort. It's just that, I myself don't even know what kind of effort I have to do except correct the mistakes I've made.

And from now on, I'll move on. I followed my wish and hoped I wouldn't let him down for the umpteenth time. Wasn't it from the beginning that I wanted to be as wide a field of reward for good and not as big as slander?

__________

“Ya, babe?” Bilqis, one of the children who learned to teach with me. Well, I never said it, but every day after ashar to maghrib I taught najai willingly to children in one of the mosques near my house. Counting as a means of entertainment and a reward field for me. As it is now, the shock I felt since yesterday was reduced a lot as I gathered with these children and saw them laughing so loosely before we started the teaching and learning activities. It is excessive as it sounds, but in fact small children do have their own strength to lift the burden of adults.

“Mbak Za is sad huh?” ask Bilqis with a plain tone typical of 7-year-old children. Instead of joining his friends playing in the courtyard of the mosque while waiting for the adhan maghrib, this child actually sat cross-legged in front of me and touched the back of my hand with his small hand. I myself forgot since when to daydream like this and stare blankly at the children who were playing in the courtyard of the mosque.

“No. How did Bilqis ask that?”

“Soalnya mbak Za looks sad. Hence Qis ask so.” And I also do not know when this Bilqis started to get close to me and seemed to want to know every single thing that happened to me.

“Not really, mbak just a little sleepy.” so clear as it was my turmoil so that children the age of Bilqis alone can feel my change? If it's like this, then how else do I have to pretend that I'm still okay? “You don't play with friends?”

“No ah, Qis want to stay here with mbak Za.” But Bilqis' desire to accompany me inside the mosque only lasted a few minutes before a girl with an orange headscarf called out to her and invited her to look at the kitten she found beside the mosque.

Ah, if only I could also be like Bilqis who is so easy to forget something and replace it with something else, maybe right now my heart is not this painful and my chest is not this crowded. If only I could easily forget my confession to Mr. Gibran, forget about Arifin's decision, also forget about my anger, maybe right now I can laugh like Bilqis and his friends do.

And the tightness in my chest grew - so as my phone clang and a message I received from Ainun. I did tell Ainun everything that happened to me a few days ago. Including my confession to Mr. Gibran and the cancellation of my wedding plans with Mas Arifin. I need someone to listen to me, and Ainun is the only name I can think of right now.

<*AinunNisa>: Astaghfirullah, Yes. How could such a thing happen to you, dear? Just because of a confession, and you should be exiled to Blora? Really Za, how can I help you?

: I can't resist your wishes, Nun. Abah was too disappointed with the cancellation of my wedding plans with Mas Arifin. Maybe after this semester I'm already in Blora. Come to the cottage if you can.

: If only I knew everything would be like this, I would never advise you to confess your feelings to Gibran, Za. I'm sorry, Za. I'm really sorry*.

And the actual line of letters I had typed to send to Ainun I erased them back because I couldn't stand the heat in my eyes. The heat that always incarnated into tears even though I had been holding it back. Choosing to run towards the ablution place next to the mosque and start ablution to disguise my cry.

“All happened by the will of God, Nun.” My whisper to myself while wetting my face with ablution water and letting my sleeves get wet with water.

Only to realize that I returned could not help my own cry when I heard the voice of the Adhan echoed by the muezzin in this mosque. Letting his voice echo the Adhan fill my ears and let my tears come down and blend in with the rest of the ablution water on my face.

‘It's so heavy, Oh God. Help me support it.’

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