Assalamu'Alaikum Love

Mama

Gibran

But actually gathering the courage to ask Faza about it wasn't as easy as my mind had been all along. It's been almost a month, and I haven't dared to ask the girl at all. Never mind to ask, to just start a conversation feels very heavy and I always lose words every time I and Faza meet or just cross paths accidentally.

Plus we are busy preparing for a national seminar that will be held tomorrow afternoon. Start by following back up speakers and moderators and making sure they are all present tomorrow afternoon. Coordinate the entire team and ensure that all seminar needs are ready the day before the event starts. Also about some trivial things that somehow make the whole team, including me as the person in charge of several times jittery. Even things as simple as a seminar kit that will be shared with participants can make me lose patience. And again it was Faza who could temper my anger due to the lack of coordination done by the equipment.

“How can it be less? Hasn't the estimated needs been adjusted to the number of participants?” I almost shouted at Tania and Deni who took care of all the seminar kit needs.

“Sorry sir, it was my fault. I have not included about 80 paying participants on the spot the day after tomorrow. That's why the calculation of a kit is still less about 50 sets.” I don't know what it would be if the one who said and admitted his mistake was not Faza. And since the one responsible for recording the number of participants was Faza, then all I could do was wipe his face and take a deep breath. Impressed to be so favoritist? Actually not really, I didn't forget that Faza was in charge as the event secretary and public relations sie. So I think it's natural that the girl made a mistake.

“Let me in charge, sir. Later in the day I will find a printing press that makes a blocknote to make the rest of the shortcomings. And tomorrow morning God willing all is ready.” He said guiltily while noting some of the needed needs and letting Tania and Deni take care of other things. Leave me and Faza in the auditorium that's being prepared for tomorrow's day after tomorrow.

“You look messy lately.” I said after a while weighing and watching Faza who is still busy with his notebook. I've been watching Faza ever since the girl returned to college after a week of permission on the grounds of a family event in Blora. And I even forgot how many times I had the girl daydreaming and her eyes were blank. Either in class or in the LPM meeting room when we all close the national seminar that will be held.

“Father talk to me?” as of now, Faza even narrowed his eyes to make sure that I was indeed talking to him.

“Only we are both here.”

“Oh,” again, the girl tried to cover up her anger with a faint smile and stuffed her notebook into her bag. “No, sir. Maybe the feeling of Mr. Gibran only.”

“Something bothers you?”

“That's not a question that lecturers should ask their students, sir. Excuse me.”

This was not my feeling alone, but Faza was indeed gasping at my question. Although after that the girl only smelled a thin smile, but still it bothers me. Leaving me in the campus auditorium with all sorts of feelings while continuing to observe her passing figure and disappearing behind the entrance.

I forgot when was the last time I felt so bothered by a girl's attitude. Even when Aida used to sulk at me, my feelings weren't this wrapped. We would only leave for a few moments before one of us started a conversation to mend our relationship. But of course I can't equate my situation with the current Faza with the situation I've experienced with Aida. In the past, Aida was my lover while Faza is currently my student, nothing more.

Even until the national seminar was over an hour before the Ashar roar, I still had not managed to muster the courage to approach Faza and ask the girl. Om Rudi had even twice asked me when exactly I would invite him to meet Faza's parents. Just like papa who was so easy to give me the blessing to propose to Faza, so was the om Rudi who was so excited when papa asked him to be a guardian to propose to the girl of my choice.

But again I have to find an alibi to give to Rudi about why up to almost a month and I have not given him certainty about the proposal.

“Or maybe your candidate has been proposed by people and you do not know?” asked Rudi at that time which made me raise my eyebrows.

I could think of that. About Faza Aulia who is likely to have been proposed by a man and those who are soon to be married. Really, I'm sure it's not just me who wants a woman like Faza to be a companion. And I also believe that there are many men out there who have more than I have to come to the girl and express the intention to propose to her.

The question now is, what kind of man does Faza want to be her husband?

“I'll ask you soon, om.”

“Don't take too long, Gibran. As a man you must quickly take a decision.”

Actually I'm also not a typical guy who would be convoluted in making decisions and thinking about it a thousand times. Only, the problem this time is my courage is too small, until my words are always broken every time I meet with Faza and see the sad face of the girl. A sad face that somehow always stayed there after the girl came back from Blora. I wonder what happened in Blora to make a usually cheerful and loose Faza look so depressed.

“Faza.” And this time, as soon as I saw the girl walking from the direction of the musolah towards the parking lot with slow steps, I forced myself to call her. Lucky because the day is approaching night and the students are deserted so there should be no campus drama that endangers the lives of my campus and Faza.

“Ya pack?” it is the same as in previous days. The sad face was still there and it was like there was a black cloud hanging on his pair of round eyes.

I don't know how Faza hid the anger that I'm sure he was feeling from his friends. Even during the national seminar, the girl did not look like someone who was having problems.

Faza was still the cheerful and deft Faza as always. Arranging the national seminar, directing hundreds of participants, until the girl's face of relief when the closing prayer of the seminar was read. It was completely invisible that a Faza Aulia was harboring a problem for herself.

“Who's home?” ah, again I was at a loss for words that I had actually so that his round eyes were right on my pair of eyes. Just for a moment, before the girl took her eyes off me as usual.

“Fetched in Revelation.”

“Once,”

“Then I first, sir.”

No, today I can't be the same loser as the days before. I don't want to go home disappointed as before without saying what I want to say to this girl.

“Faza wait.”

“Ya pack?” again the girl turned her head and made our gazes scatter for a few seconds.

“There are things I want to ask you.” is weird, it felt like the nervousness I felt since this morning had just disappeared as I chased after Faza until we were only a few meters away from the campus gate where Faza was waiting for his elder brother.

“About what, sir? Does it have anything to do with the national seminar, or about LPM?”

“It has nothing to do with those two things. It's about something you can say very personal.”

“I don't understand.”

“So far, have there been any men who have insulted you?” and after a month or so I held the question at the tip of my own tongue, finally this afternoon it reached Faza.

Although I had to take a deep breath many times after I asked him and Faza looked surprised by the question. True too, such a question is indeed not a question commonly asked by a lecturer to his students.

“Have any men come to your father and apply for you?” I repeated after a while we just fell silent and let the roar of the passing vehicle fill the gap between us.

“Pak,” whispered Faza in the end. He took out his right hand from his jacket pocket and rubbed his face with both hands. “Why did Pak Gibran ask such a thing?”

“Because I want to know.”

“If no man has yet abused you, would you allow me and my guardian to meet your family?”

“Pak Gibran,”

“But before that I want to make sure if the door is still open, or already closed by someone. I don't want to be wondering too long about that possibility, Za.”

Again Faza let the sound of the roar of vehicles that pass on the road to fill the gap between us. Letting the two of us look like two strangers who even had trouble starting a conversation and me who was still paying attention to him seemed at a loss for words. Occasionally Faza took a deep breath and exhaled back slowly.

Strange, why does it feel like my heart hurts so much to see the look on his face like that?

“What's that hard to answer my question, Za?” as hard as I could hold my voice so as not to shout at Faza even though I had almost lost the patience to wait for the girl's answer.

But the girl was still silent and shook her head slowly. Touching his own chest with his right hand made me even more clueless about what was wrong with my question.

“Please, don't make me expect too long, Za.”

“Pak Gibran sure with that question?” she asked slowly while continuing to lower her gaze and avoiding seeing me. I knew there was something big that was currently bothering Faza, only that I still could not find the big thing that was bothering this girl to make her trouble like now.

But in my second breath, it was like I found that one big thing. It made me just pull both ends of my lips and smile bitterly. I know that big thing.

“So that man already exists.”

“A month ago.” whispered Faza who was like he was aiming for himself.

It was like an invisible hand slapped me right then and there, as Faza raised his face and returned my gaze. First because of Faza's answer to my question, and the second is because I found a clear speck that just fell from the corner of the girl's eye. Faza crying. For the first time I saw this girl crying.

“A month ago?” my ulang did not lose slowly.

A month ago. So that means the man went to Faza's house and met his parents right when I came home to Jakarta to ask for my father and mother's blessing. Just as I was leaving Surabaya and returning to Jakarta, a man knocked on Faza's door and proposed to the girl.

“So I'm late huh?” so, is this the answer to all the turmoil I've felt all along? When I found the courage to ask, the door was closed to me. If only I had that courage sooner.

“Za,”

If the one standing before me right now was not Faza Aulia, I might have already pulled her hand and asked her to return my gaze. But really, he is Faza Aulia and I don't want to touch him and make us both sin.

“May that man can always make you happy, Za.” So heavy. It felt like I had to admit my defeat to someone who didn't even know if I had fought all along. Ah, it felt like an exaggeration when I said that I was fighting while all I had been doing was to gather the courage to ask Faza.

“If only I had the courage,” Just as I turned the body and was about to pass, the girl opened her voice. “If only I had the courage to tell you everything. Tell the truth to Gibran.” His voice was still stammered as occasionally Faza took a breath and wiped the tip of his own eyes.

And I, again too long ago, found the red thread of Faza's words and interpreted the girl's words so that all I could do was pause while taking a step forward to shorten the distance between us.

“Please don't cry like this, Za.” Again I wonder if I had not sinned if I had touched her, I would have wiped her tears and made her stop crying like this.

“I'm sorry, sir.”

“Za,”

“If by claiming to make us both sin, let me take the sin of this confession.” I think I'm starting to see the red thread, as well as the reason why Faza cried like this. If only this girl didn't have the same feelings that I felt towards her, I don't think she would have cried like this. “Maybe this will be my first and last confession. So, can Mr Gibran listen to my confession?”

“Faza,” ah, it feels like my chest is so tight to see this girl's cry.

“I liked Mr. Gibran even since I first saw the father four years ago in Blora. I already liked the young man I lent an umbrella four years ago on the station terrace. I like foreign men that even I myself do not know what his name is...” This time I think Faza can no longer hold back his cries until the girl is choked by his own words. The words that made me fall silent and tighten my jaw.

“Four years ago,” hisisku unknowingly. Keep watching Faza who is still down and occasionally wipe his own tears. So this girl has liked me for four years? So this is the reason why we were reunited four years later? Ah, again I blame myself for everything that happened between me and Faza that felt like a game.

“For God's sake, I just said what I felt, sir. Please don't be burdened by my confession.”

“How am I not burdened, Za?” I started with a bitter smile to laugh at myself, just as a man walked towards us from the campus gate in slow steps. “How can I not be overwhelmed by your confession that in reality we have a similar feeling? How can I not be burdened with such a thing?” although it took me almost a minute, I finally understood why the man was here and stood two steps behind Faza. The man who was currently putting on a face that I was really hard to understand.

Arifin Putra, so the man who so dared to knock on the door of Faza's house and propose to the girl was Arifin Putra? So the wife-to-be that Arifin told me about the other day was Faza Aulia? Ah, how the world has not been as friendly as my mind all this time.

“Mas Gibran?” despite not making a sound, I know that Arifin is currently mentioning my name. It made me pull the edges of my lips and smile at them.

I had to retreat before I could even take up arms to fight. How could I not call myself a loser? I was ashamed, and angry at myself. Why did it take so long to gather that courage? Why did it take so long to realize that Faza had the same feelings that I felt for the girl?

“I'm sorry, sir.”

No, Faza shouldn't have apologized to me for all this. This is the destiny that God has set for us ‘kan?

“May God always bestow happiness on you and your future husband, my beloved.”

I'm heartbroken, again.

Even before I broke eye contact with Arifin whose existence Faza had not realized, I had already realized that I had broken my heart a second time.

And when I heard Faza's sobs as soon as I turned around and passed from that place, I realized one thing again, if my heartbreak this time is even more painful than my heartbreak seven years ago.

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