Assalamu'Alaikum Love

Karmas

Fazas

For love is the taste He gives His servant

When the feeling of it languishes warmly to the soul

That's when I gave up my race only to Him

To Him the keeper of taste

To Him the meaning giver

And until then came

Let me keep hoping that someday, we'll be together

“Za,” a touch on the shoulder made me jump and dropped the blocknote and the blue ballpoint pen that had been lying next to my hand. Raised my head and rubbed my face before smiling when I found a girl sitting next to me and looking at me with her eyes closed.

“Are you okay?” ask the girl who is none other than Hana while touching my forehead with her right hand. The more frowning he himself was the more he pulled his right hand from my forehead. “You're hot once, Za.”

“I'm fine, Han. And, how long have I been asleep here?” ask me before revealing the end of my sleeve and sighed softly when I realized that it was now three in the afternoon and that means I had been asleep in the library for over an hour.

I remember the last time I saw a watch still at one over forty. Today I deliberately truant your fiqh class upon my return from the LPM secretariat room. Choose to continue to ascend the stairs up to the third floor where the library of economics faculty is located rather than entering the multimedia room of the second floor where the fiqih muamalah class is held.

“You why don't you enter your fiqih class?” hana asked as she followed me out of the library and down the stairs to the second floor.

I'm actually not a typical student who would stain my presence just so I could sleep in the library like that. Even if someone asked me how many times I skipped class then the answer was only twice. First, when I was in the third semester, and then the road to the campus from my house was flooded and inaccessible for a full day until I had to skip college. And this is the second time I've skipped college.

This time not because of the flood or because of other interests, but there is something that makes me prefer to stay in the library rather than attend a fiqh muamalah class.

“Za.!” This time Hana even raised her tone while asking me to stop before we sat in a wooden chair in the basement in front of the economics faculty office. “Why you?”

“I forgot Han if there is a fiqih muamalah.” class And of course that was the most ridiculous reason that made Hana frown and look at me sharply.

“You even remember our college schedule last semester.” The Tandas Hana that made me lose my words. Feeling my head suddenly feel heavy and pain on my neck. “And I also know that you will not skip class just because of headaches and fever.” Hana continued with the same tone of voice. Hana Harsono, in fact, I can't lie to Hana about why I chose to pull over at the library instead of attending a fiqih muamalah class.

“Something bothers you?” hana asked again after sitting next to me and watching me for a long time. “You've been weird lately, Za. You become quiet and often act like you're avoiding something.”

Weirdo? Is that the influence that arises from all the turmoil that I feel lately, until Hana also realizes the change in my attitude? But it's not just Hana, it's also with me. I'm even sick of myself for being so easily controlled by feelings that it's hard to find my logic and common sense. I even chose to skip classes just because the one who was able to study your fiqih was Mr. Gibran who also contributed to the feelings that have been bothering me lately. Yes, in fact I chose to tarnish the presence of my presence just because I was not ready to meet face to face with Mr. Gibran.

“Mind to share, Za?” hana asked again which made me take a deep breath and exhale her back slowly.

“Some things do bother me, Han. But I'm fine, really.” My words don't go away either. It's okay if later Hana will laugh at me because I act like a labile teenager because of trivial problems.

“A problem doesn't necessarily add up just because you share it with me, Za.”

It's true, a problem won't add up just because I shared it with Hana. It's just, the problem is that I even have trouble just sorting out which sentences I should use to start the story.

“Do you think it's natural for someone to be distracted by their own feelings?”

“I don't understand, Za”

For the first time. After three years of Hana and I getting to know each other as two best friends, this was the first time I talked about feeling together with Hana.

“So you are hesitant to give a decision about the proposal because you save feelings for Mr Gibran?” hana asked after I was silent for a while and only took a deep breath many times. There is no scornful tone from Hana after knowing that it turns out that her best friend keeps a taste for her own lecturer.

“Now, I'm not even sure of my own feelings.”

This time Hana smiled and turned her head towards the door of the faculty room before touching the back of my hand that was just lying on my lap.

“In fact you are not the first female student to be found to like Mr. Gibran, Za.” Starting Hana while rolling one eye to tease me. “And I think that's normal. What surprises me is the fact that you met four years ago in Blora, and then you were reunited here four years later.”

By accident? Is there no such thing as ‘kejonjas’ in this world because everything has been arranged in such a way?

“When another student willingly infiltrated another class to be able to meet face to face with Mr. Gibran, you actually fled to the library. That's why I call you special, Za.” Hana continued after taking a deep breath and looked back at me. “Dan, I do not really understand how you manage to feel like that, also about the application you told me this.”

I watched Hana who occasionally turned towards the door of the faculty room to pay attention to what. Sometimes, the difference in mindset between the two of us makes us both afraid of hurting each other with the speculation we give to each other.

“I just give my opinion as your best friend without the slightest I intend to compare our opinions both.” I who tend to think complicated is not that easy to accept the mindset of Hana who is so simple.

“I think a marriage will only be a happy thing if two people who are married both love each other, are sincere. Then, how will you be happy if from the beginning you have kept your feelings for others? What feelings will you give your husband later if your feelings of love have been saved for another man, Za?”

Why did I forget something so important? Why do I forget the fact that a wedding will only be something I call ‘rumah’ if the two people involved in it are both sincere and ridho? True what Hana said, what kind of feeling would I give to the Arifin mas if the feeling I should give him instead I keep in the box which I then call the box by the name of Gibran Wibisana?

“But, I think it's too early to conclude that my feelings for Mr. Gibran are feelings of love, Han.” My urge was not too rowdy too.again my mindset that tends to be complicated it is difficult to accept the simple conclusion that Hana said to me.

“Then? Would you name it what that feeling is? Isn't this the first time you've felt this way in the opposite sex?”

Of course this is not the first time I have felt this way in my twenty years. I am a normal young girl and can at times feel the natural turmoil that is commonly felt by girls my age. About liking, about admiration, also about the view that I am often unable to keep on my opposite sex. I've also liked boys at the cottage a few times before, or my male classmates at school. It's just, it's the first time I've become this shady because of feelings of liking towards the opposite sex.

“It's true that this is the first time I've felt this way, Han. But I also can't keep.either, I'm confused.”.

“Why? I didn't know that having feelings for the opposite sex was a sin.”

“Indeed no. But who can guarantee that the man I like does not have a partner? Who can guarantee that Mr Gibran has not had a partner who has the potential to break my heart?”

This time Hana gave a small laugh as if my question was something very funny to her. Am I not worried about something normal? What if it turns out that Mr. Gibran already has a partner or even a child?

“That's why sometimes the kids in our class need to be a little more active when there's a new lecturer, Za. So that errors like this do not happen often.”

“Han,”

“I've heard that Mr. Gibran is not married. After all, what if in fact Mr Gibran already has a partner or even a child? Does such a reality stop you from liking it?”

Again, I can't answer that simple question. In fact, from the beginning I never thought about things like whether Mr. Gibran already had a partner. About what kind of woman is the ideal type of man. Also about what Mr. Gibran felt when he found out that four years ago we had met and I lent him an umbrella. I never thought of anything like that until I realized I had already felt it. A feeling that made it even difficult for me to organize my sense and logic. And by the time I realized it, I was already lost too far in feelings I shouldn't have felt.

“Entahlah. Maybe I still need some time to think about all this.” and just as I was getting out of the wooden chair I was sitting in, someone came out of the faculty room. It made me take a deep breath before reaching for the backpack I had left lying on the chair.

“If you really don't want to see it, at least don't shy away, Za.” Whispering Hana who was still standing next to me while the person who had just come out of the faculty office also seemed to still flinch before taking off her glasses and looking at me.

If only. If only it was as easy to interpret and respond to this feeling as when I reached out my hand and borrowed it an umbrella four years ago. If I had understood this feeling as easily as when I confessed that I was the young girl who had lent the man an umbrella four years ago, would I have ended up like this too? Getting lost and gasping ran away from the feeling I should have overcome.

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