A FOOL! WHEN ARE WE GONNA MEET?

Myself

I did not want to say hello and linger talking with my neighbors, after saying thank you once again to Lisa I immediately let go inside. Because of the effects of fatigue, this body immediately fell on the sofa in the middle room, my head felt like it was about to break and fireflies flying filled the eyes. I didn't sleep, just closed my eyes for as long as possible to eliminate this very disturbing firefly effect.

"Decoration... It feels like I want to be free from the demands of this job.." I groaned while frowning.

"Hold in a moment.. Always stop in the middle! Let's not be lazy anymore." said a voice inside my head.

"Aren't you tired of having to do something you don't like?" I ask myself

"You're tired! It still has a humanitarian side! Please hold on for a little while.yes...yeah?" He said begging

"Or ah! It's noisy!" I was upset to ask for a voice from my head to stop talking

I don't remember exactly when I like to talk to myself with my mind, it feels so real every time a voice from my head invites a conversation. But that voice, only occasionally, appeared, precisely at the time when I always felt a headache like now. Usually the voice, will tell about the journey of the people who wrote his bio into a book, which I only saw the cover doang. Somehow my own mind goes against my wishes like this, being said to be a multiple personality not at all. It says other mental disorders are not, so I only guess if I like to talk to my subconscious, not mental disorders, because it is still very sane.

But people who have a history of mental illness will not admit themselves mentally ill, which is why I even underestimate myself like a gini anyway. I can't accept myself claiming to be a mentally ill person, I'll never admit it until anytime. When I was a child, my brothers used to call me a madman, I foolishly agreed to that name. Until finally I had the chance to really act like a crazy person, I swear I am very sorry to agree with the title. Now I just hope, so as not to recur the disease behavior that has not stopped for a long time, and hopefully will never stop by again my life.

I unconsciously felt that my body was floating in the air, like someone was lifting my body. Right now I'm lazy to open my eyes, and maybe this sense of drifting is just the effect of this sudden fatigue right now. What is clear now is that I want to sleep so that tomorrow can return to work with a new spirit. Good night everyone.

****

The next morning I woke up with a head that felt very heavy, my body also felt hot coupled with a blanket that covered my body. I blinked my eyes in confusion when I saw that I was lying on my bed, this is my room in my apartment, because my family's photo was attached to the ceiling. Since when did I sleep on the bed, as I remember last night I slept on the sofa in the living room, but why did it suddenly wake up in bed.

"Don't anyone break into my apartment last night when I fell asleep on the couch." I immediately got up from the bed to check the living room.

Unfortunately when I stood up from the bed, the head felt spinning making me limp instantly and my body stinged just because of this kind of repetitive movement. My breath feels hunting, it feels so tight if I don't continue to breathe in a hurry like this, the heat gushed into my entire body. Suddenly all my joints and blood seemed to be rustling with turmoil about to explode in the body.

I was tired of breathing, sweat was flooding my entire body, what was going on with my body right now. When you want to raise your head, the room again turned violently to make me feel nauseous. Fireflies again filled my eyes that refused to close, it felt so pain in the head and joints of my eyes. My breath was increasingly hunting for fresh air, as if I did not want to let the fresh air pass even a split second at this time. My face was very cold but the rest of my body was hot, my other skin was also getting cold but my blood was constantly beating hot.

"Akghhh.." I groaned as my head was about to explode in pain.

At that time my pain was not too severe, because there was Ain who accompanied me through his warm voice continued to sing the song I wanted and made me calm to sleep. But now there will be no warm voice that will sing the song I want again, for some reason now I feel the pain of losing it again after a few days have passed. I miss Ain who always looks at me lovingly, I miss Ain's not-so-less attention when accompanying my days with him.

I miss the sincerity in Ain's eyes every time I look at me, I miss everything in Ain. Now I can't hold back any more, let me say what I want to say, and let me miss Your people excessively. Every word that unravels from her lips, let me remember it all, let me be swept away in her sincere affection for me. Right now my heart is full of her, I want to feel our last warm embrace of the day, the first hug she made to me after so long. Only Ain can make me feel the love and passion for a life of this magnitude, only Ain and there will only be Ain.

"Akgghhhhh.." I shouted my own crying voice which so bitterly desired the warmth and quiet presence of Ain there.

Why, is God so cruel? God has taken away someone who makes me feel that life has meaning. Why would God take away someone who made me feel a genuine affection that I did not find in my own family? I want to hate God, but why can't I? Why does my heart cry out for help to You again oh Lord. All of which is why I have to end up with a question that I won't understand the answer to, I don't want to wonder, but why should I feel pain from someone I never loved.

"I don't love Ain! Butwhy? Wh why? Why does Ain's presence affect all my life?" I can't stop the tears from flowing

I hit my own chest, because I felt such a painful tightness, the feeling I once felt when my mother scolded and yelled at me as a child, why should this kind of feeling be present? Does God want to see me through this test with a smiling face? Or does God want to show me something I need to know, to pass this test? But why should the pain I so hate be the test of my life? Why and why God?

I wonder why I have to live with the painful shadows of the past like this? Why is God so fond of seeing me struggle just to prove myself to people who underestimate my existence? Why does God always give me happiness that I don't want when I don't want it? And why did God give this kind of painful test when I was just as alone as I am now? What if I can't endure the pain of this exam and cause death for me? Then what will be the fate of my body if it is not found as soon as possible by people? It will certainly rot and will only be the gossip of Your people, who like to judge people at will, right?

I admit, if I am indeed a brash servant, I am a servant who never feels satisfied with what is produced, I am never sincere with the feelings of others. But don't I really have to live like that, if I want to survive in this competitive world? I beg for forgiveness, for all this time I have not come too close to You, O Lord. But I always remember You at any time and under any circumstances, please do not blame Your little servant. At least let me get back to normal breathing, so I can perform my morning prayers.

Let this pain recover, before the good time for the morning dawn prayer is passed in the slightest from my grasp. It's okay if you don't recover like before, let me just perform the morning prayer like this, let this tightness still feel a little to be my reminder about You. Even with a body that stumbles like this towards the bathroom, to take ablution I still give thanks for the opportunity that You are giving at this time.

Even though it felt like this head was about to break, I was still able to perform the dawn prayer which made me gradually improve from before. When I went out of the room, I found no one and also no sign if my apartment had been put in people last night, was it possible that last night I slept while walking to the bed? I don't know, I drink a glass of water to wet my thirst that feels dry. Although the pain I felt was still there, but it was not an obstacle for me to go to work like my usual days.

Although not with the spirit of 45 I still feel satisfied because I can still breathe through the streets of this always noisy city. After finishing the shower and getting ready to work, at the door Lisa was standing about to press the bell of my apartment, coinciding with me who opened the door. He was shocked because I suddenly opened the door, and his face when shocked made an excuse for me to laugh, even though it felt empty.