A FOOL! WHEN ARE WE GONNA MEET?

Just a Memory

Arriving at the apartment, I immediately cleaned myself in the bathroom, hoping that the aroma of the amusement park that was carried home vanished from my body. After finishing the bath I felt lazy to do anything, because it remembered if tomorrow morning had to wake up and go to work. Working under the pressure of superiors does not make me feel depressed, it's just that I feel very saturated because of a very regular schedule just like that every day.

"Do I take time off! Or not resign from the office? But if you stop it means you have to go back to the village dong! Then in the village became unemployed! That's not exciting.." I muttered while regulating breathing.

To calm the mind, usually I always listen to music with shahdu in the room. And usually unconsciously I will sleep in a sleep that calms the soul and mind. But today I don't want to listen to music just yet, because my mind is still wandering around as usual. I opened my eyes after getting tired of thinking silly and unsurgical things.

I looked at the ceiling of the room that had been decorated with some photos of my family, it felt as heavy as a feeling of longing, anger and hatred. When staring at one-to-one photos on the ceiling of the room, from a long time ago until now this hatred and longing has always been the reason why I worried about my family. I always questioned, did I really come from and be born into that simple family, or was I just a pitiful child?

For a long time also I did not cry when getting sadness for a long time away from family in the village. It was as if I was away from home and my family was my true happiness, but when m3 thought about it it made me feel a deep longing for the warmth of my family, she said, even though I know it wasn't for me.

When I was a teenager, I used to lock myself up in a dark, invisible place. From that place sometimes I like to listen to the conversations of my brothers that sound very pleasant. Sometimes I want to join the conversation, too, but he says what I say, it's always weird and out of the conversation. But somehow for me, what I said was very much related to their conversation, maybe there I again felt foreign to my own family.

During that time I always showed a cheerful face like no burden, and sometimes my face like that even sparked the anger of some of my brothers. Strangely, I became increasingly indifferent to the attitude of those who always underestimate and look very dislike me. In my family, I have always been the one who ignited the anger and quarrels that occurred at home.

I remember, my parents used to fight and talk about divorce, and it must be because of me. Until I was always the breeding point of my other brothers, unfortunately I was even afraid to fight and just silently harbored anger. They also said that I was a brainless human with a rotting black heart.

He said I was a child who was not grateful for the situation, never felt guilty for making a mistake, always acted stupid, unlike my other brothers and sisters. Who lives as they are, grateful for the situation, always smart in action, and who must be very proud of by the mother. If asked, am I angry and sad when I hear all that? Of course I said very angry but not the least bit sad about it.

First, I was angry because I was always taken for granted by my mother, second, I was angry because I was born into this family, third, I was angry because I loved her as my mother, fourth, fourth, I'm angry because it must be me who always looks okay, fifth, I'm angry because mom always compares me to everyone, sixth, sixth, I was angry that my sacrifice would never be considered sincere by him. I am so angry with myself that even crying means nothing in life. I just hope that, if I die someday, I want everyone who has met and known me, not to remember if I was ever born in this world.

There is still a lot of anger that I have been holding alone, no one knows all the suffering in my mind because of my own anger. Even I felt angry, if I saw this face smiling kindly in front of the mirror, hearing this mouth laugh, feeling this breath go smoothly. Only one thing I never regretted in this life, seeing myself as useless in the eyes of family.

The clock on the wall of the room beats with a beautiful rhythm, as the night passes by thinking of unimportant things. I was tired, but my mind was still excited to remember all the events that made me always feel alive. Given the faces of my family who seemed to underestimate my efforts so far, their faces that were smiling cynically were very beautiful when driving her away in the first year I went wandering.

"By the way..it doesn't seem like I'm getting back my money that they owe!! But have they not been in debt for a long time and have never returned it." I murmured in memory of the debt of my brothers.

"But! Do I always have to be quiet to see their treatment.that always underestimates my efforts and dreams! Huhhhhh... Remembering them makes me sleepy!!" I muttered again before falling asleep

The room lights turn off automatically, when I snap my fingers, this spooky apartment is all advanced facilities. Even the electric kitchen that only became my wish as a child became a reality in this place. All my brothers thought I was living in a shabby, remote place, but who would have thought I would live like the world in a black box that my brothers always watch in Korean dramas. I'm tired, I want to rest because I have to work tomorrow....