Part of me

Try to understand me

It is I who am astonished at myself.

~

Since childhood life is full of abundant affection, living in luxury in simplicity. A submissive, kind-hearted child who often smiles happily as if without burden. Yes, this is me who was originally just a plain child who gradually became a child who felt the inner pressure of having to accept that nothing is clean without treatment.

I am a spoiled child with a father, a mother brother (second) and a sister (first) who gives all her affection to me. The spoiled me was forced to be independent by circumstances. Fine, fine, earlier when my father died I did not have too much trouble at first because after I told him and then hugged and spoiled in his lap I forgot all that happened because of his gentle and emotionless advice. But after she was gone I was alone, even though I lived with my mother but my heart and mind were not in line with my mother, the father who pampered me with his tenderness and the firm mother seemed to throw off the tender taste that father gave.

I who was initially given the tenderness of a father was given pressure on the assertiveness of the mother who made me feel unwanted and unexpected. I feel like a burden right now, which makes me lose my identity. I now live like a fish swimming against the stream.

I lost a lot of things in me because I was forced to be what they wanted me to be.

My father who died a few months after my (first) sister got married and 6 days after my birthday which I thought was fancy for inviting my female friends and that was the day my father asked me to mother to make banana sponge repeated my year and I asked for rice sut to be shared together. A special birthday and made me afraid of my own birthday celebration since then I never asked for my birthday celebration again because I was afraid I would lose it again. I was scared until I could say I was traumatized but I wanted a gift so since then I don't want a birthday celebration even when I see other people it makes me jealous, but the fear in my heart is greater than the envy. On my birthday, though, I just ask for a gift if I want a cake I'll ask them to buy in town instead of having mom make it because it makes me remember my birthday and makes me claustrophobic. From that time until now I who initially really like mother-made cakes become disliked. Even though when my mother made two or three pies now I can't eat one pans because I remember that and always feel that there is something wrong with the sponge cake.

I was originally happy to eat sponge cake now sponge cake made in the same way makes it difficult for me to swallow it.

Don't forget I don't want a cake on my birthday, I only receive gifts even if not how much but the thing I like the most is chocolate.

Everyone has their own desires, hopes and dreams. I dreamed of becoming a young and talented architect but because the entrance fee of the school major was too expensive I relented because I did not want to burden my mother and brothers and sisters. I relented and chose to go to Agriculture because in addition to design or drawing I was interested in farming. The interest was present when in elementary school a scout routine was held once a Sunday and it was the arrival of a graduate from agricultural school and introduced a lot about plants and the next week we were asked to bring manure.

In my village the majority of the population farm, farm and raise chickens or goats. My father who had a patch of land enough to eat feet even though we were originally called the poor sedesa. It just so happened that said it was my father's brother. Hehe bitter yes said poor sedesa by his own sister really make the heart of people who hear will be hurt and people who know will pity.

I'm good because my father always taught me to be humble while I'm vengeful because I'm tired of listening to what he keeps saying, yes he's my mother. I blame the man who made my mother keep saying that. But when you ask me who made me that you know I don't have to explain much.

I'll tell you some of my example things that sometimes easily change direction why? because I choose my heart and I know a little bit when someone lies I see from the look on his face and listen to his heartbeat more precisely when someone lies their heart will pump faster you can seeing from his breath and his dusty chest sometimes not covered in sweat and others.

I always look into the eyes of my interlocutors to know about his feelings and the truth.

I am sometimes the origin of guessing someone's future and origin talk more to unconscious and when doing so.

I want to know why vampires like blood?!

I want to taste human blood but fear blood.

Maybe no one knows how much I want to kill people who hurt me or those around me.

My blood is turbulent as if it is lust to kill. I've been trying to find out about a poison that can make people die or suffer. But my little heart, educated by my father as a child, said patiently, there are all rewards.

That is also the reason I want to know my past or rather my past life. Whyyy?! yes, because I have great killing intent and I have previously told you that there are some supernatural beings that I have seen. Precisely I often feel about the existence of supernatural beings, whether it is evil or good even sometimes I unconsciously often communicate and talk to them or smile when I see it. But I say I'm not indigo because I don't see it directly but I feel its presence and I only see some ah it's hard to explain but I know clearly what I feel.

So try to understand me:)