Part of me

Aku

I divided myself into parts a part of myself is here in this story, some is in a diary that accompanies me everyday and the rest may be living days in the real world.

I keep every part of me in every place so that when I get bored I can look for them and remember what I've been through all this time.

I have no regrets about dividing myself into many parts, only this way can make me forget the painful things I have experienced.

I don't want a lot of people to know about me not because I want to keep it to myself but I'm afraid the problems and processes I'm going through aren't as painful as they are but I still complain as if my problems are the worst but in fact I am the one who feels the most hurt.

I'm not good at judging or choosing what's good for me but I can see what's bad that's going to happen to me if I act through the boundaries.

There was pain I suffered but I could not explain it.

There was a fear I felt but I couldn't say.

There was a painful journey that I went through but I didn't want to tell because it was a disgrace to me that God had helped to hide it from the outside world.

I realize I'm not good enough for him to fight for me right now so I don't expect much about how he'll treat me in the future.

I also don't expect him not to be willing to see me when he sees better than me.

I'm thankful that I've been with him all this time.

I am also very grateful that God has sent him to heal the heartbreak that I previously suffered.

Although it has not healed completely but it is more than enough to go back through my beautiful days before getting hurt again.

Right now I'm grateful enough for what is there and accept it with the rest of my heart let God help me manage it.

If I meddle in the rules, I don't know how many things I'm going to mess up in the future.

The mess I've been making is enough to make half of my life ruined because of my wish that I gave the wrong person to get me hurt pretty badly.

Briefly I was hurt by myself who put my heart on the portion of the wrong position and made me hurt by myself.

It's not appropriate if I blame others let alone ask for help others because the one who hurt himself is me.

I once thought;

"God has been good enough to me. He still wanted to accept me in a state of mind that was already unholy, a body that was quite dirty by sin and even I betrayed him for ignoring his orders and also for his trust in me.

yesterday I had drugged Him with himself who then betrayed me and even dropped me from despair.

God I know I was wrong, I know I made a terrible mistake but I have nowhere to go but to come back to you.

Forgive me Lord, please help me for the umpteenth time and please never leave me here alone because if you leave me then where else will I go?

Which other house will accept me as You accept me, forgive me, take care of me and love me?

Other than You there is no more comfortable place I have to take refuge." I thought for a moment...