Part of me

Surrender...

When I was unable to think clearly, it flashed through my brain "did I just give up on this world?" I was getting tired of pretending to be okay but I was hurt so deeply. I know a lot of people who want to be in my position because all they know is what they see, not what I feel. But I, I want happiness. I miss you, my dear father. If I were allowed to be honest, I would say at least "please bring a man who can make me feel the presence of a father."

I am selfish, stubborn or heartless but I also want the affection of a father. I know I'm a pretty spoiled kid. I just miss my dad, I miss his affection. I want to meet my father even if only in a dream. "Help me, I'd love to see you." I know if I die, I can't see my dad. Because I know the sins I commit cannot be counted on my fingers. I don't have any friends here, I'm selfish. I refuse to share my mother's affection with anyone else. I'm losing. I realized, gradually his attitude became more indifferent. I know, yeah I know for a fact that this is all temporary. I'm not in this world forever, but I want my happiness. I want a complete family. I want the love of mom's dad even though I know that I got it I was a kid but I want that right now. Not to remember a childhood that made me want to cry because of longing or I was unable to survive. I miss my father, I miss my childhood when I was hugged and sitting on your lap, you were peeping my forehead and cheeks. I miss you, I miss your affection and everything about you dad.

If I could choose, let me go not you. All lost you whereas if I were to go a little people would lose me because who would miss me? A fella? Maybe many of them think that I am a hindrance to them I know I am not a good person, I also know that if I can only rely on myself.

God has taught me to live independently since I was a child. God kept me away from the people around me. I was alone without direction, walking around, when I made a mistake all pushing me away no one wanted to embrace me. Until I realized that their existence from the beginning was only to take the opportunity to get what they wanted. God has made me realize that everything that exists will be lost. So too with love.

I'm getting tired.

And want to give up.

But I was too cowardly to end it.

But what is my power?

L'm..

Only a child cries and asks her for milk.

I know that my attitude is bad but I treat everyone well.

I never make anyone nice to me hurt or disappointed.

I always desperately try to make them happy with my presence. But in fact they more often think I am benalu in his steps.