Part of me

Introductions

Introduce the...

It's my story.

My life story.

But it wasn't me who set it up but him!

I was like a puppet in his grasp.

This is me who doesn't know what to do?!

Many desires are hidden in my heart one of them 'I WANT TO BE ****IN MY****'

It was a long time ago when I lost it I was like I wasn't.

I lost her like I lost my soul.

I lost my spirit to survive,

I lost the desire to get better.

I was crushed like ice cream in the heat of the sun.

Many times I tried to get up but I fell again and again when I rose and was free like a dove flying in the wide sky despite the many dangers that he loved from below but he still flew far away ignoring him.

I want to be myself, I want to be myself,

I want to be free to do what I want but he is inside me!

Yes I know since I turned 11 exactly when I was about to step into the 5sd class my father the person who I think best understands me has left me.

At first I acted as usual as if nothing was missing but gradually I felt a sense of loss. Whyyy?! because I no longer have a place where there are people who accept my grievances!

You asked me where my family is?!

It's funny you don't know that I don't have a lot of family!

Whyyy?!

I'm a nobody, man,

My father's not an officer, though,

My father wasn't the one defending the country, and

My father has no rank in society.

But my eyes...

He was a man who was able to calm myself down who was in a mess.

He was the most precious person to me after I realized I had lost him.

Since he died, he,

I live with my mom.

Oh yea...

I forgot to say that I have

one father

one mother

one sister who was the first child and

one brother is the second son.

I should have had two brothers who were supposed to be the third child but she died at the age of 40 days after she was born.

My mother once said "if only they did not say that after this child (third brother) could be taken away maybe the mother would return home" roughly my parents were expelled from where they lived.

Incidentally the village was where my father was born while the original mother or born in a place that is far distance from the place of the father to the place of the mother if not wrong approximately 13 hours.

And also maybe I won't be in this world or at least I have a friend who's only three or four years old.

I've often heard my mom say "if she's alive (blablabla).

Ever crossed my mind...

"If you don't want me why not just kill me? Why not just abort me while I was still in fetal form so that I did not need to feel the inner torment because compared to others whether it was a neighbor's child or a brother or sister. Yes I know I'm selfish, I'm emotional and I'm irritable you know me, I'm jealous, you know my attitude, you know all about me but you never understand what I want."

You just said who knows you better than I am your mother.

Haha isn't that funny?!

When you say that but you ignore me at the birth of my niece you spoil her more than I do!

The heartache of being left by a lover is incomparable to being ignored by your mother!

I was probably wrong when I was jealous of a newborn child.

I know I'm not completely ignored but I envy her because she you kissed her forehead and even her cheeks.

It's clear on my face that I envy her you say you know me, you understand me but you don't know my heart!

I am the one who envies that little boy.

Yes let me be said to be selfish let me say whatever I will accept.

If you knew why I envy her because I never let you kiss your cheek and even to make you hug me I had to cry first, must be sick in order for you to be treated like when I was a child.

Should I be envious?

Blame me like that?

Although I want to carve a smile on your face but it will mean nothing in your eyes.

I know I'm not like most women because I'm used to playing with boys.

I didn't tell anyone that I was jealous of that little boy you praised for having dimples and eyelashes that were as flat as a woman until it crossed my mind to cut him off and I did.

I envy obviously envy her perfect while I?!

She has my white skin?!

I could only cry and scream in my heart.

I was just pretending to be happy but until now I was getting tired and wanted to stop pretending.

I feel sorry for myself because I think too highly of myself.

This I see well I try my best for you but you never see, I believe in you and yet you lie.

I'm the only child in your eyes, I'm the one who means nothing to you, I'm the one who's just your doll!

I am suffering from the pressure of your mother brother (second) and sister (first).

If I could choose I would choose not to be born rather than feel unwanted even I never had so-called friends or friends that I knew would all approach me when they did need my help and be lost when I need it.

I'm the one you teach to appreciate yet know what it's like to be appreciated by someone my age, I'm not trusted by an outsider who I consider a brother.

Father, this is fair to me who always lives in luxury in the simpleness of your life, I who, if I have a desire, cannot be denied if it happens, I will be sick and you who always try to protect me now as if I were a burden to you!

There's not much I can do for you but I just want you to appreciate me.

I want you to understand me with your heart not with your mind.

If you think I'd be happy with your money you're wrong I also want your affection, I want to be like those out there who are simple and happy.

I wish you the best until now. But I'm tired of wanting to get back together with dad.

Dad I want to go home with you, pick me up Dad!

I want to go to God and meet you because the longer a person lives, the more sins he may commit.

Let me meet you even in a dream. Father I miss begging you come in my dreams...