Part of me

Re-opening the diary

If I'm at the point of refusing to tell a story or talk, all I do is write and draw whatever comes to mind, like now because there is nothing I want to tell you I reopened my diary...

~flashback

*Dear diary's...

Wednesday, 15 july 2k15

Many dreams many wills, I also feel I have a lot of ability to buy this is what for people I love but I also want to realize my dreams in various ways that I can do*.

I wanted a lot of things but I realized it wasn't easy to get all of them. I had to learn to be patient, sincere and even I had to be patient to save. I also want to realize my ideals with the support of my parents.

Although my heart ached because it was often scolded and yelled at by my parents. I always want to be patient and patient but patience is not easy I admit that learning to be patient is very difficult but I am sure I can.

I want so much to learn in this life I really want everything to be fine but life has to be like clockwork that keeps turning. The hour hand will keep turning again the battery stone is still good to use, and the clock will stop turning when the battery stone is worn out like a man is filled with faith and if it is time to go home it will die.

Yes my Robb please tell me how I can make all my dreams come true.. Yes my Robb give me health, safety and patience for all that you have tried to give me. I believe that everything that happens is the way and will be useful in its time.

~flashback off

After I finished turning the pages of my diary, I began to learn some things from the past and made it an experience even though at that time I may have complained more but at this time I am grateful that my creator gave me this test and trial for paving the way for me in the future. Now I draw wisdom from everything that has happened in the past that not everything can be solved with anger sometimes I also realize that calmness is the solution of everything maybe make jokes can it makes us more relaxed.

Right now a lot of my friends me or people I know are complaining about losing their partner. Remember the partner here is not a married couple or the other but if the language of the young child is dating. They do not know what it means to lose. I want to tell you what is truly called loss. That loss is the moment when we lose our soul and body, when we are separated by different realms, different dimensions exist and different laws. Maybe they have never or have never felt the true meaning of loss. I feel the loss when abandoned by my father, I feel sad, although at first I do not understand because I can be called a child even though my age must be questioned. Why question? Yes because I and my nature are different from most people. I am often spoiled to make me a childish at my age who is quite mature but in mindset sometimes I am more mature than others.

I am at home like a queen but in the outside world or in the environment around me like a stepson. Why so? Because many of my friends are jealous of me because of my closeness to their teachers or parents let alone the so-called father or adult man. It's nothing, I'm so because I lost my father at a time when I was in need of his affection, his understanding and his presence that made me seem to be looking for attention. I'm not mad at them because I know they envy me. I understand my reckless nature, obviously, my nosy and ignorant nature makes it easier for me to establish communication, but I have long imprisoned myself in my deepest heart if they knew that the me that was with them was not me the truth. The real me who is asleep musing may be sad but no one knows because they see the cheerful me. I am easy to make friends or get along with makes them more envious of me. Some even insinuate me, there was once a problem until someone wanted to gouge out my eyes because yes it could be said my eyes were round so maybe he thought I was glancing at him and he didn't like that that which made him that way. I once thought of killing them in my way because I was not actually a person who was able to accept everything well I was not vindictive but for the person who hurt me it would give a wound that imprinted on me my memories that make me look for them wherever they are for what is certain to give them proof that I am more capable than they can say I am selfish but let it be. It's me, it's me. I have the right to keep walking in my path and I also respect their right to say what they say I always accept the taste of someone but I cannot be sure that I will accept it well I just say I just accept not accept it well or reply to it.

All I know about feelings is not to hurt as long as they are not disturbed or not hurt. Reply if you do not accept, accept or remain silent if you do not want to extend and do not forget there are some people who you should not touch.

There is happiness if you decide to take away your sadness. There is disappointment when you decide to believe.

Many things will happen if you start your failure or success always have risks that you have to bear alone, because most people just want to know not really care about you.

Like me who when helping and then accidentally making a mistake, I am the one who holds the greatest risk of being blamed. They don't care what I do, they just know the results, they don't think about how I feel about them and they ignore it. When that was true, I felt like I didn't exist. I was just forgotten, as if I wasn't helping, as if I wasn't finishing and like he was doing everything himself without my help. Sometimes even they often admit that it is he who did it and finished it himself. That's where I just chose silence and a sweet smile because again and again I was forgotten and ignored even the work I recognized by him.

It rarely crosses my mind with all kinds of questions.

What do you regret ?

What is missing from me ?

Even I don't know who I am ?

Maybe what I regret is indifference to my own life while what I lost was me.

I don't live for myself.

Far from my real word.

I hate all this.

I don't want to continue like this.

I want to go home quickly.

My father misses you.

I want to meet you.

Am I destined to be alone ?

Looking for happiness alone and sharing it with others until I come back like this until the end I die ?

Yes my robb has no choice for me, I can only complain to you, because there are no friends to tell a story let alone choose a story. 08-02-2020

You let me be like this. Then if someday bad things will come to you, just accept that you have ignored me. For what I care about you guys for now we live our lives each of us does not interfere with each other because we initially do not know then it does not matter if we are now far away and back foreign. 14-02-2020