MY LOVE ENDS WITH YOU

MAKE UP

DAVIS POV

FLASH BACK ON_CONTINUED

I've been doing a series of health tests for the whole thing. My family and I are so grateful that I was declared healthy.

From that moment on, I felt very guilty to my family especially Mommy. I promise to always be careful in doing all actions, not to harm and embarrass myself and family. 

Various ways I do to overcome my addiction to drinking and free ***. Not because I am hyper but because according to doctors, someone who has often free** with changing partners and also enjoy it, psychologically will be disturbed. 

This time I did not only college and work, but also therapy. Until I finally got to know Islam.

 

FLASH BACK OFF

Kurangkul and I carried his head in my arms, I pecked the top of his head gently hoping to channel the energy of affection to him. Narita was still crying in silence.

Suddenly guilt crept in the recesses of my heart. I felt like a very dirty and despicable figure in front of him. I feel unworthy of him.

“Sorry, I don't deserve you, baby!” I just let go of my embrace to him.

Still in tears, Narita ran to the mattress, pulled away the blanket, then entered the blanket to cover his entire body from the tip of the foot to the tip of the head. His crying broke.

A week has passed, my relationship with Narita is still cold. Even though she cooked and served me, yet when in the room she was still reluctant to speak, getting close, even whenever I touched her without saying much, she always refused. I can only wait for him to speak from heart to heart. I want to hear what she wants, what she expects next from this relationship. I resigned to all his decisions, I also felt guilty for never honestly saying this from the beginning. I admit I'm selfish, I just assumed my love for her made me have to have it, without thinking that what I've been covering up all this time could boomerang for myself.

NARITA POV 

My desire to know everything about his past left me shocked and disappointed. I didn't expect him to be hiding something this crucial. Maybe if he said it from the beginning, I could think twice about accepting his proposal. But now I am confused.

For me he was the first for me, all of you he got me for the first time. So much so that I would respect myself that I would only give it to my husband. I am not easily influenced even though my environment is a neighborhood that adheres to many western cultures. He knew he was the first to touch me.

I didn't expect him to be that dirty. Oh, God, can I say it's dirty? I'm sorry my husband, I don't mean to be mean to call you dirty, but honestly, ever since I knew about his past, I've been disgusted to be around him.

I was confused where I should complain. There's no way I'm telling this to anyone else, because it's about my husband's disgrace, which means my family's disgrace. I don't want people to sneer at my husband.

I could not possibly hold it alone because I was not someone strong enough to resolve my heartbreak with my own thoughts. My brain feels dead-end.

I realized this week I've been ignoring it. When he tries to touch me, I will reject him even if not with words of rejection. My husband, I'm sorry! Wait for my heart and mind to be calm to make the best decision.

I don't think I'm willing to let go. For me, our relationship is not a traffic relationship, but a relationship based on love that was built long ago. I admit she was my first love, though there was still a monkey love before her. And it seems, his love for me was also quite deep, evidenced by the distance separating and the time pausing, but we still felt the same feeling, when we were reunited.

But I'm not sure if I should defend it. Can I accept his past?

At that time, the Ustadzah gave me an input:

Everyone has a past, be it a dark past or a past full of beauty. Maybe your husband never told you about his past because he wanted to close it up, no need to expose it to people especially couples, because it would make his disgrace re-open.

Zina is one of the sins that harms yourself and others. Even so, this sin can be forgiven by Allah SWT if his servant truly repents and returns to His way.

If your husband has repented, it means that Allah SWT has closed the disgrace, and does not need to be revealed again. The closure of the disgrace should be a marker so that someone can become a better person. That way, disgrace in the past can be forgiven and of course must be able to focus on living the present and the better future. Focus on being a sholeh guy.

So, my advice, if you love him, accept him as he is with all his past, because the past is not to be looked back on but the past is a valuable lesson for him. If he has repented, why do you doubt his past? Look and live your future together. You become a sholeh wife and she becomes a sholeh husband. Form a family that Sakinah, mawaddah, and warohmah. Aamiins.

I listened to the lecture quietly until after the Ustadzah answered my question, I went back to reflecting on his words.

Could it be that I was too naive, so easily affected by the disgrace of her past?

Day after day, I reflect on the decisions I will make. It seems that I am indeed too selfish if I cannot accept his past. After all, now he has repented and even wants to convert and study religion without encouragement from someone, purely his desire to be a better person, wise, and calm in behavior. Then what do I doubt?

Ever since I knew my husband, I've only known him who was kind, considerate, spoiled yet mature, and faithful. And that didn't change until nearang. I shouldn't have doubted him now, because in fact, he's still Davis as I used to know him.

There are times in his life that should be a bitter experience for him, but at the same time a turning point in the strength of his faith and devotion in worshiping the Creator.

I was again wracked with guilt when I realized how much I had ignored him for more than 3 days. But I was too embarrassed to start apologizing or start talking. I became someone who just wanted to know him, embarrassed, nervous, and shy about expressing an apology.

But he seemed to be silencing me. Could it be because he gave me time to reflect? Or did he assume that--, ahhh I don't want to think about anything bad. I'll have to start if he doesn't.

One morning while we were having breakfast at the dinner table, as I used to serve him, took his rice, vegetables, and side dishes, peeled the requested fruit, poured him some water to drink. We were still both silent, even we both understood what we were about to do with just actions and eye gestures.

However, when she was about to enter the car that Rio had opened the door to, I immediately followed behind her, I pulled her jass, and she turned back. His eyes looked as if saying ‘what's the matter?’. Without saying a word, I immediately grabbed his right hand, I salim takzim. His face changed, he was shocked. This morning I changed my attitude, unlike myself during the week.

He was still silent, a moment later he put on a thin smile, then grabbed my shoulder and he replied with a friendly kiss on the tip of my head.

“Assalamu’alaikum” said with a gentle eye gaze .

“Wa’alaikum greetings. Careful mas!” my reply.

He smiled as he entered his car, then opened the window and waved his hand. I replied with a smile and a wave of hands.

“Alhamdullillah” says lirih.

There is a sense of relief in the heart.