My husband, Doctor Adrian

Despised

This week has been a busy week for me. I go to Adrian's house every day, cook for him. Sometimes, it helps me too. Sometimes, he just watched me cook. We talk often. He told me about his love for Africa and what he wanted to do there. I don't think his departure will actually happen anytime soon. He still has a thesis to work on, and how will it work?

Today, I just got back from Nathan's office after helping him audit the financial bailouts. I decided to go back home to rest.

When I got home, I took a shower and ate. I was just about to go back to my room when my phone rang.

Adrian.

I lifted it on the second ring.

"Can we get out now?" tanyakanya.

"Ke.. Out out? You where?"

"In front of your house. I wait." she said quickly and then turned off the call.

I changed my clothes with a sweater and a very old green kashmir trousers. After that, I rushed out of the house. Outside, the Range Rover Adrian is already parked. I opened the driver's side door and entered.

I glanced at him briefly, wondering why he suddenly came to pick me up. But my mouth is silent. Millions of memories flashed through my mind. It's been a long time since I've been in this car. Every conversation we had, both pleasant and painful, was again present in my memory.

He was wearing black clothes, as usual. I could breathe the musk scent from his body even though we weren't too close.

He started running the car. I put on my seat belt and dared to ask.

"Where are you going?"

He didn't answer. But one hand held my hand. I can't speak. I'm so confused. Along the way, I chose to enjoy the view. The roads are not so jammed this Saturday.

About twenty minutes later, we arrived at the outskirts of Jakarta. The atmosphere is so shady and cool here. Instantly, I knew where we were headed. In that instant, I felt my feelings raging. I feel sad, sad and guilty. I threw my eyes at the window.

Adrian stopped the car. I know we've arrived at Papa's funeral. I closed my eyes and leaned against the car seat, not wanting to talk to Adrian, or see him.

I knew he was looking at me, and I purposely stayed in this position. Closed his eyes, not moving. Soon I felt his hand clasping my hand again, for the next time today.

"Why didn't you say it?" His voice was softly heart-wrenching. It sounds so sad. I still can't see it. Shall I tell him that Papa is dead? When we don't even talk? At a time when even he had no spirit of life so Mom did not tell him? Should he bring me here? I hate being here with him. Maybe one of the reasons I feel guilty is to show up in front of Papa with my ex-husband. Suddenly I felt annoyed with Adrian. I'm not ready and will never be ready to come to Papa with him.

"What do you think with me all this time come to your house.. Take care of your home.. Cooky.. It all makes you feel like you deserve to bring me here?" ask me with a high note. I looked at him sharply. He seemed surprised by my surprise. I tried hard, but my eyes were already glazed.

"I just want to pray Papa.. Pamit and apologize to Papa." He still looks at me expectantly. His kindness has upset me even more.

"Can you, go alone? Why the hell.must take me! I'm not related to you anymore!" my yelling. Actually, things aren't that simple. I wanted to tell her how much I had made Papa angry and disappointed in me in his last moments. I'd like to say that it feels weird to be in Papa's grave with him. But even those hurtful words came out.

My regret came that very second, when I saw the sadness that emanated from the look in his eyes.

"OK, if that's what you want. Would you.want to wait in the car? I'll be there for a second?" Said timidly.

I nodded quickly. Anything, just get out of here fast.

He took a bouquet of white flowers from the back seat, then he left me. I watched him from behind the car glass. Adrian walked slowly towards Papa's tomb. I can even see Papa's grave clearly from here. I saw Adrian standing and looking down for a while. My heart moved. I got out of the car quickly. Then walk slowly towards him.

My heart stopped beating hearing it.

"May Papa be calm there. Please, take care of Lula and Mama from up there, yeah, Pa." Adrian took a few steps back, then turned around. He was surprised to see me.

"Wanna go home?" tanyanya gently. I nodded and got in the car.

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I held back tears throughout the journey. He can't see me crying anymore. Unfortunately for me, the trip home was pretty stuck. I hate him, I hate him. Could he take me to my own Papa's tomb? What does he think.. I can't come alone? I'm sick of him and all his pretentious natures.

The sun had already set an hour ago when we arrived in front of my house. I got out of the car immediately, without saying anything, without looking at him. Heart hurts. Remembering Papa. Remembering my marriage to Adrian. Maybe, we should never see each other again.

I entered my gate in a hurry. When I opened the door, I stopped. I'm really claustrophobic now. I don't want Mama to see me like this. I put my hand in my bag, looking for my car keys. Luck sided with me that night because it turned out I was carrying it. I got into my car and started the engine.

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I've only been in this restaurant for less than fifteen minutes, but I'm already drunk. I've spent half a bottle of wine alone. On an empty stomach, my body absorbed every drop of alcohol like a sponge. I touched my temple, enjoying little by little my consciousness disappearing.

Someone pulled my arm. "home."

I'm turning.

Adrian.

"Go home now." His voice was deep, like he didn't like what he saw. He's pulling my hand.

"God.." I was limping because of the pull.

"But.. I'm not old yet." I said.

"I've paid." he said briefly.

I smiled, drunk. "You. How do you know I'm here?" He didn't answer. We got to his car, again. He helped me sit in the passenger seat. He even retreated my chair so I could lean back.

He was sitting in the driver's seat, not yet running the car. I laugh. I don't know because of what.

"Hm.. I hate you, Adrian. Really hate." Then I shed tears. "Can you not appear again in front of me?"